Page 136 of Seven Letters

‘Yes, she is,’ Mia agreed.

‘First, I owe you all a big apology. I’ve behaved really badly and I’m sorry. I – I’ve been so terrified, angry, upset and freaked out since Sarah collapsed. I can’t sleep or eat. I thought I was doing the right thing. I really thought keeping Sarah alive was the best thing to do. I was clinging to a screed of hope, like a drowning man. I felt so alone. I needed to believe I could salvage something from this horror. But when I went into that room this morning and I looked at Sarah through Izzy’s eyes, I saw – I saw what she’s become. I saw … I saw that she was gone, really gone. Not an ounce of that person is my wife. I finally saw the reality and … and I knew that no baby could survive in there. If he was older, if she’d died when he was twenty-four weeks or even more, then maybe he could have made it.’ Adam began to choke up. ‘But I see now that it’s hopeless. I have to give up on my baby boy. I’ve lost them both. All I have is Izzy.’ His face collapsed, and he sobbed the tears of a broken man. A man who had had his heart ripped out. Rob put an arm around him and cried with him.

Everyone was crying. Mia stood up and went over to her brother-in-law. ‘You have us and Rob. We’re your family. We’re here for you,’ she said, as she put her arms around him and patted his back.

‘Why did God have to take them both?’ Adam wept. ‘One was bad enough, but both of them? It’s just too much.’ He cried into Mia’s shoulder.

Mia heard the door open and close and open again. ‘Here you go, mate, sit down and have a drink of this,’ Johnny said.

He led Adam to the couch and helped him sit down, then handed him a glass of whiskey. ‘Drink it. You need it.’ Rob patted his shoulder.

Adam swallowed it in one. ‘Thanks.’

Charlie stood up and went over to sit on the arm of the couch. ‘Look, Adam, you’ve had a terrible time. We all have.But if I’ve learned one thing from losing Penny, it’s that you need your family. Don’t push us away. We want to help you. We’ll all help with Izzy. There will be days when you can’t get out of bed for the grief. On those days, call us. We’ll take Izzy to school or mind her for the day. There’ll be days when the pain of loss will bend you double. Let it flood you, don’t fight it. It will pass … and I know this is impossible to believe now, but it will slowly, very slowly, get a bit easier to bear.’

‘Thank you, Charlie.’ Adam squeezed his father-in-law’s hand. ‘I really need to cling to that hope because, right now, I can only see and feel pain. Every time I look at Izzy, I want to put my fist through the wall. I’m so angry for her. She deserves to have a mother. She deserves to have Sarah in her life. The person who adored her most in the world is now gone. It’s just not fair. She’ll never see her grow up. I’m so angry for her and for Sarah. She was the best mother.’ Adam began to sob. ‘Who is Izzy going to talk to when she’s a teenager with girl problems?’

‘Me.’ Riley stood at the door, carrying a tray laden with some of the uneaten food, coffee and wine. ‘I’ll help her. I’ll talk to her. I’ll have her back. I promise.’

Adam dabbed his eyes with his soggy tissue. ‘Thanks.’

Johnny helped Riley put the tray on the coffee-table and kissed the top of her head.

‘I promise I’ll be there for her,’ Riley said. ‘Even when she’s a bolshie teenager – yes, Mum, I know, it takes one to know one – I’ll be there. I’ll make sure no boy ever treats her badly and no girl ever tries to bully her. I’ve got it covered, Adam. And Mum will be there for her too. She can keep an eye on her in school and be like a surrogate mother. Mum loves Izzy and Izzy loves Mum – and she’s a pretty amazing mother.’

Mia’s heart swelled. She wanted to run over and crushRiley in the biggest hug, but she held herself back and just beamed at her daughter.

‘We’ve got it covered. We all love Izzy and we all love …’ Riley’s voice caught ‘… loved Sarah. She was awesome.’

Mia went over and put her arm around Riley’s shoulders. Her daughter didn’t shove it off. Instead she leaned in.

Johnny’s phone rang and he scurried out of the room. How could he take a call now? Mia was stunned. It must be about the new job.

Mia turned to her brother-in-law. ‘Adam, no one will ever replace Sarah in Izzy’s life, but we’ll all try to fill the gap. We’ll be with her every step of the way. Trust us. Let us in.’

Adam rubbed his eyes. ‘Thank you. All of you. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I want you in Izzy’s life. She needs all of you and your support means the world to her and to me.’

‘And I’ll visit more, and you guys can come and stay with us. We’re all in this together. We’re all here for you, Adam. You’re not alone,’ Rob said.

Rob handed everyone a glass of wine.

‘Not for me, thank you. I’m driving,’ Olivia said pointedly.

Riley grabbed a glass. Mia removed it from her hand and handed her a cup of tea.

‘Seriously?’

‘Yes.’

They all drank deeply to the sounds of Shocko singing ‘Let It Go’ with Izzy outside.

Adam cleared his throat. ‘There is something else. I’ve made the decision to turn off the ventilator. I’ve spoken to Dr Mayhew. We’re doing it tomorrow morning at ten. It’s time to say goodbye. I’d like you all to be there, but I totally understand if you’d rather not.’

Shocko and Izzy’s voices rose to a crescendo ‘Let it go …’

52

Mia slipped quietly into the ICU. It was late and, despite the clanking of machines, raspy breathing, murmurs of voices, the place felt calm.

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