Page 138 of Seven Letters

‘You always sang Johnny’s praises, gently suggesting I back off and stop hounding him about job interviews and networking. You told me to trust him and not suffocate him. You reminded me time and again of what a good man he is. How much he loves me and Riley. What a great dad he is.

‘You’ve taught me that I need to change. I need to see life through your lens. I must stop and look at all the wonderful things I have, appreciate the people I love and stop seeking more. I have to stop pushing myself and them to achieve more and just enjoy my life. Readingyour diary has shown me that I need to stop and smell the roses. Thank you for that.

‘You saw the world through the eyes of a happy person. You saw the good, the hope, the kindness in life. You saw the world simply and clearly.

‘You knew what mattered most and ignored the rest. You focused on the positives. You loved with a full heart. Please know that you were loved profoundly in return. The depth of our loss and grief is testament to how much we love you. I’m so angry that you’re going to miss out on Izzy’s life, but I know you’d tell me not to waste time and energy on anger. “What’s the point of being angry, Mia?” you said once. “Anger just eats away at your soul and makes you ill. You have to let it go.”

‘Sarah, as long as I have breath in my body I will look out for Izzy. I will love her, protect her, mind her, care for her and try my best to fill her life with joy. I owe you that and I will be honoured to do so.

‘And wherever you are, be proud. Be proud of a life well lived, of having loved and been loved and of creating the most incredible little girl in the world (apart from Riley!).

‘I love you, Sarah, and I will miss you every single day until the day I die.’

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Mia decided to wear red. It was Sarah’s favourite colour. It felt wrong to wear black. It wasn’t a funeral. It was a farewell. She wanted to look nice for Sarah, even though she knew her sister could neither see nor hear her.

It was silly, really, but these little things helped. Riley was in her school uniform because she had an exam that afternoon, which Mia wasn’t letting her miss.

‘It’s so unfair.’

Mia was firm. ‘Life has to go on, Riley. We need to try to get things back to normal. Well, the new normal.’

Adam had dropped Izzy to school, not telling her what was happening. Her mother was dead: she didn’t need to know the terrible details. No one did. That was something the family would keep to themselves. The trauma, pain and awfulness of what they had lived through had been contained, thanks to Johnny. Mia was so grateful to him for that.

Their choices and decisions, made under the most horrendous circumstances, were for no one else to judge. How could anyone judge anyway? Mia thought. No one could ever imagine this happening because it doesn’t happen. Ever.

Johnny was in the kitchen on his laptop. ‘We have to go,’ Mia said, glancing at the clock on the wall.

‘Just give me a minute.’

Mia stood for a minute. ‘Johnny!’ she said.

‘I’m coming,’ he grumbled.

In the car, Johnny seemed preoccupied and distant.

‘What is this article you’re working on anyway, Dad?’Riley asked. ‘It must be really long – you’re always on your laptop.’

‘It’s just difficult,’ he said, looking at Mia.

She patted his arm. ‘It’ll be worth the hard work to get the job in the bag.’ She smiled at him.

Johnny flushed and concentrated on the road. He seemed very tense, but everyone was tense, these days, and a job was riding on this article. Mia looked out of the window and up at the clouds. I’m coming, Sarah, she thought. I’m coming to say goodbye and let you be at peace. It’s nearly over, sis.

They stood in a semi-circle around the bed. Adam, Rob, Mia, Charlie, Johnny and Riley.

Angela and Dr Mayhew stood to the side, waiting. The window was open, letting sunshine and fresh air and the sound of birds flood the room. Sarah looked even worse, but it didn’t hurt to see her now because it was all going to be over soon.

In the breeze, Izzy’s picture fluttered. They looked up. Stick figures labelled Mummy, Daddy, Izzy and Baby, with wide crayon smiles and huge hands. Izzy’s family, now about to be halved.

Adam cleared his throat. ‘Thanks for being here. It means a lot. I’ve said what I had to say yesterday to the family. It just leaves me to thank you, Dr Mayhew, and all of your team, and you, Angela, for being such a rock of support and sense to all of us. It is some small comfort to know that Sarah has been cared for by such good people. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would have to make such a heart-breaking decision, but Sarah and Ben are gone and it’s time to let them be at peace.’ Adam’s voice broke. Rob put a hand on his shoulder.

Adam nodded to Dr Mayhew. One by one, the alarms and monitors were turned off and then, finally, the ventilator.

Silence. Complete silence. Nobody moved. Mia felt as if her feet were frozen to the spot. It was over. The nightmare was over. No more wondering, What if? No more arguing and agonizing over what to do next. Sarah was at peace and maybe now they could be, too. No more fighting, no more cruel and angry words.

Mia knew that she had to find a way to get on with Adam. She needed to support him and, more importantly, Izzy, and for that to happen, she had to be on better terms with him. She owed it to Sarah.

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