Page 142 of Seven Letters

‘You’re not sleeping on the couch.’

‘I am not sleeping with you.’

Johnny walked in. He pulled her up. ‘Mia, I will sleep on the couch. You’ve had a hell of a day. Go upstairs to bed. You need sleep.’

‘How can I sleep knowing you’ve betrayed me and my family?’ Mia shouted.

‘I did the only thing I could to keep it out of the papers, Mia.’

‘Well, it’s going into the papers anyway, so you did sweet fuck-all. How the hell am I supposed to explain this to Dad and to Adam? Jesus, Johnny, how could you do this to us? After all we’ve been through. I will never forgive you.’

Mia picked up her pillow, slammed the door shut and walked back upstairs. Riley was hovering on the landing.

‘What’s going on?’

‘You’ll find out tomorrow, so I might as well tell you. Your father wasn’t working on an article for a new job, he was writing an exposé on our family and Sarah’s horrific death. It’s going to be splashed all over the paper tomorrow and everyone will know our private and painful business.’

Riley frowned. ‘But Dad would never do anything to hurt you. He loves you. You know that.’

‘I thought I did.’ Mia’s voice caught. ‘But apparently hehas decided to betray me. I come home from witnessing the end of my sister’s life and think my husband might hug me or tell me I’m going to be OK, or that he has a job and all the financial pressure will be off my shoulders but no – oh, no. Instead he tells me the whole country is about to know all the painful and intimate details of Sarah’s death.’

Riley wasn’t convinced. ‘Dad must have had a reason, Mum. He’d never betray anyone, least of all you.’

‘He swore to me that the story had been quashed. Now he says it was going to come out anyway – if it was, I’d prefer to have been betrayed by a stranger than by my own husband.’ Mia slammed her bedroom door and locked it.

She had thought Johnny was going to hug her and tell her how brave she was and how sorry he was that she had just said goodbye to her beloved sister. But, no, he’d landed this on her instead. Mia stared up at the ceiling and wondered how she was going to explain Johnny’s betrayal to her father and to Adam. It made her feel dead inside, like Sarah. She didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive her husband.

55

Mia sat outside in a garden chair, wrapped in her dressing-gown. She watched the sun rise. It was spectacular. The sky slowly went from navy-blue to pink as the rays burst through, announcing the birth of another day.

Mia’s first day without her sister. Her first day with nowhere to go, no one to visit. It was over. She felt empty, depleted. Was she really supposed to ‘get back to normal’ now? Was she supposed to get dressed and go to work as if her world had not been ripped apart? Would she have to talk about the weather and the news and which movie stars were sleeping together? Mia shuddered. All she wanted to do was talk about Sarah. She wanted to say her name over and over so that she would not be forgotten. She wanted people to know her, to understand how wonderful she was. To know how unbearable it was to lose your sister and her baby.

Mia wanted to run down the road and scream at people, ‘Do you know how lucky you are?’ Maybe she was going mad from grief and lack of sleep, but how can you sleep when your heart is broken, when you have seen your sister’s body decomposing in front of your eyes? Sleep had not come.

Johnny’s bombshell had rocked her to the core. She had lain awake, thinking about Sarah, then feeling huge waves of anger as she thought of what Johnny had done. She didn’t want to remember all she’d said to Sarah during that final goodbye, but it kept rearing up to confront her: she had talked of love and cherishing and going easy on herself and everyone. Was this the first test?

It had gone round her thoughts in a loop, exhausting her, and the only person she wanted to talk to about it was Sarah. What would Sarah have said? She’d always listened carefully to Mia, but then she was always so fair and generous to Riley and Johnny. Mia knew Sarah would tell her to give him the benefit of the doubt, but she kept pushing that voice away because she didn’t want to hear it. What he had done was so huge. How was she supposed to get past it?

The door opened and Mia heard footsteps. She looked up. Johnny handed her a cup of tea.

‘I don’t want it.’

‘Mia, I know you’re upset about the article but –’

‘I’m not upset, I’m furious. You let me down. You betrayed us, you –’

‘Mia,’ Johnny snapped. ‘I had no choice. You have to believe me. I wouldn’t lie to you about this. I’ve been torn apart ever since that meeting with Jimmy, but it was honestly the only way to resolve it. You’re my world, Mia.’ He stopped, trying to compose himself. ‘Please, Mia. Read it before you judge me. I went to get the first edition. It’s out today. Why don’t you read it and then decide if you’re going to forgive me or not?’

He handed her the newspaper and placed the cup of tea on the ground beside her. ‘I’m going for a walk. I need to clear my head.’

Good riddance, Mia thought. She was so angry with him, she could barely look at him. She threw down the newspaper and looked back up at the sky. She stared at the colours until her eyes watered. It was going to be another lovely day.

As she watched, a thrush with a speckled breast landed on a branch of the ash tree. It was a beautiful bird, its eyes darting with curiosity. Mia stayed perfectly still. The bird hoppedonto a lower branch, then a lower one. It was coming closer to her with each hop. She could see the yellow feathers mixed with the creamy-white and brown ones. She’d had no idea a thrush had so many colours. It flew from the low branch, landing neatly on the path, only about a metre from her chair. It walked delicately towards her, watching her intently all the time. It stopped just an arm’s reach away and regarded her without any fear.

My God, Mia thought. She’d never been so close to a wild bird.

She stared at the bird and it stared back, and for some reason she thought of Sarah. She was sure she’d read somewhere of a belief that the souls of the dead revisited in the form of a bird. She couldn’t help it, she reached out slowly with her hand towards the thrush. It hopped back a step, then took flight, out of reach, landing on the willow tree further down the garden. It began to sing, and the sound made Mia shiver with delight.

---