Page 38 of Seven Letters

Angela opened the door to Sarah’s room and stepped aside. Mia took a deep breath, but when she saw her sister, a cry escaped her. Sarah, her beautiful little sister, was lying on a bed covered with tubes, drips, wires and lines. Her legs felt weak. Angela quickly took hold of her elbow and steered her to the chair beside the bed.

‘Breathe for me now, Mia,’ she said quietly. ‘I know it’s a shock, but it’s still Sarah. The machines are helping her to stay alive.’

Mia stared and stared at her sister. Her face was pale. Herlovely hair lay around her on the pillow – it seemed to have lost its shine. All she could hear was the clicking and swooshing of the ventilator. She struggled to come to terms with the scene before her.

‘Can I get you a glass of water?’

‘No, I’m fine, thanks,’ Mia said. ‘I got a shock, but I’m all right now. I’ll sit with her.’

‘I’ll be just outside,’ Angela said. ‘Press that button there and I’ll come running.’

She left the room, and Mia let the tears flow. She reached out and took Sarah’s hand in hers. It was warm and soft. It felt like life, completely at odds with how Sarah looked. ‘Sarah, it’s Mia. I hope you can hear me. You’re going to be OK. Stay strong, fight back. Let your inner tiger out. Come back, Sarah. We love you. We need you.’

She sat and listened to the whirring of the ventilator as she held her sister’s hand. She sat forward so she was right up at Sarah’s ear. She vaguely remembered reading somewhere that hearing was the last thing to go, so maybe on some level, in some way, Sarah could hear her. Maybe not, but she was going to choose to believe that she could.

Mia kissed her sister’s forehead. She whispered in her ear, ‘I’m here for you, Sarah. I’ll help you. Fight, Sarah, fight like you’ve never fought before, for your baby, for Izzy and Adam, Charlie and all of us.’

Mia wiped tears from her eyes and shook her head, trying to banish any negative thoughts that were trying to creep in. If I believe strongly enough, she’ll be OK, she thought.

‘Sarah, I’m going to try to shock you awake. Brace yourself for this. I found condoms in Dad’s chest-of-drawers.’ Mia waited. ‘What – nothing? I can’t believe you didn’t react to that.’

The machines whirred and clicked. Mia wanted to scream,but she reined in her emotions. She leaned down and pulled Sarah’s diary out of her handbag. Sarah always said that writing in her diary had saved her a fortune in therapy. Mia reckoned the idea of someone reading it would freak her out and definitely make her wake up.

‘Right. Be warned, I’m resorting to underhand measures now. I found this yesterday and I’m going to read it out loud until you wake up. So you’d want to wake up quickly, because your deepest, darkest secrets are about to be laid bare. I’m not joking.’

Mia flipped open the diary. A bunch of envelopes fell to the floor. She picked them up. They were all addressed to Izzy. Seven of them. On each sealed envelope Sarah had written –Letters of love from a mother to her daughter – Izzy’s first year. Each letter was another year,Izzy’s second year, and on up toIzzy’s seventh year.

Mia felt her throat ache. Izzy, beautiful, sweet, innocent Izzy. Sarah had written love letters to her, and now Izzy would have them for ever. ‘Sarah, you really are a brilliant mother,’ Mia said. ‘It’s never occurred to me to write anything to Riley. You’re amazing. What a beautiful gift to give your child.’

Mia tucked the letters safely into the back of the diary. Then she looked at the page she’d opened it on: August 2009.

‘I’m doing this, Sarah,’ she said. She settled herself in the chair and began to read aloud.

‘9.30 a.m. I’m lying here staring at my incredible baby girl, Isobel, but Izzy to us. She’s sleeping now, and her little rosebud mouth is set in a perfect pout. Her arms are thrown over her head and she looks so peaceful and happy. I never knew such joy existed. Mia told me about it. She kept saying, “Just wait until you hold your baby in your arms,” but I didn’t understand her. I didn’t know that I could feel so much love.

‘Adam is besotted too. It’s been so lovely to see him so happy. He’s been so stressed lately with having to close two of the stores and lay off staff he’s had for years. He found it so hard. I’m worried about how stressed he is. Thank God for Izzy. She has lit up his life.

‘I keep telling Adam that he mustn’t worry about money or earning more. He still has the main bathroom shop and it’s keeping us afloat. We’re fine. I don’t want fancy things. All I want is our little family unit, safe and healthy.

‘But Adam’s always been so driven. He wants to be successful and keeps saying he feels like a failure. It’s because of his rotten father. He’s obsessed with proving himself, but I keep telling him that he has no need to prove himself to anyone, and definitely not to me. He is a great guy, a loving husband, and I know he’ll be a great dad. I just wish he could put his past behind him.

‘I tried to get him to go and see a therapist, but he refused. He thinks he’s dealt with it, but he hasn’t. His brother Rob went to see a psychiatrist and he told me he found it really helpful. But Adam just said that Rob’s gone all Canadian and it’s more “normal” for men to see shrinks over there.

‘I keep trying to boost him up. I tell him how brilliant he is, providing for me and allowing me to give up work. I want him to stop working 24/7 and spend more time at home. Hopefully he’ll be home earlier now to see Izzy and spend time with her.

‘5.00 p.m. Mia just called over with Riley on their way home from school. Mia had a face like thunder when she came in. Apparently, Riley got into trouble in school today for telling one of the other girls to “fuck off”.

‘Mia got pulled aside by the headmistress about it. She was furious. Poor Riley, I felt a bit sorry for her. She’s a great kid, just has a very strong personality, which some of the gentler girls in the class find a bit much. Even at only seven you can see she’s a fighter – just like her mum. And Mia didn’t lick it off a stone either. Mia is like Penny and Riley is like Mia.

‘Mia said it’s not just that Riley was bold but that it reflects badly on her as a teacher in the school. I get that, but Riley is a chip off the old block. Mia disagrees when I tell her that. She seems to think she was this angel child. But I remember her, and she really wasn’t. She argued with Dad all the time and with Mum, but Mum is like Mia, fiery and smart and driven. They get each other.

‘I like peace and quiet and harmony. After Mia calls in, I always feel breathless. She can be a bit of a whirlwind. In the thirty minutes she was here she made me a cup of coffee and a sandwich, changed Izzy’s nappy, hung out a wash and unloaded the dishwasher.

‘I told her not to, but she’s not happy when she’s not doing something. Mia never sits down and just chills. She can’t.’

Yes, I can, Mia thought. I can sit down and watch Netflix. Although … she never just watched a programme, she’d also be on her phone checking emails or doing lists in her head or sewing the hem of Riley’s school skirt.

‘Sarah, you’re right about me having to do things all the time, but not about Riley being my mirror image. I was not this troublesome to Mum, no way. I certainly never spoke to her the way Riley speaks to me. She can be so rude. Since I grounded her for getting drunk, she’s been even worse. She stomps around the house sulking and making us all miserable. Johnny begged me to let her go out and spare us the moods, but I have to put my foot down or else she’ll just go completely wild.

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