Page 52 of Seven Letters

Mia saw him out onto the corridor, and as he left, a group of nurses and doctors came out of Sarah’s room. Angela walked over to her. ‘You can go in and see her now, Mia. It’ll be nice and quiet for a while. We’ve finished washing her.’ Angela patted her shoulder. ‘It’s so tough on you all. She’s so young and beautiful. Go on in and talk to her. It’ll help you process all you heard at the meeting. I’ll try to keep everyone away from the room for a bit.’

Mia thanked her. She entered and sat down. She reached over and held Sarah’s hand. It was warm. It was so difficult to believe she was really dead when she looked like she was just sleeping.

‘Oh, Sarah, what am I going to do without you? Who am I going to bitch to about Olivia? Who am I going to turn to when I need to give out about Riley and Johnny driving menuts? Who am I going to boss around? Jesus, Sarah, I can’t do this without you.’ Mia held her sister’s hand to her cheek and sobbed.

When the tears finally subsided, Mia felt about a hundred years old. Her life was falling apart, breaking up and dissolving. She reached into her bag for a pack of tissues, and her hand met the cool leather of Sarah’s diary. She took it out and let it fall open at a page. Then she started to read aloud. She needed to hear her sister’s words. They’d soothe her, help her …

September 2017

‘Why God, why? Just got my period again. It’s now been five years and nothing. How can I have got pregnant so easily with Izzy? What’s wrong with me? The doctors keep telling me nothing is wrong. Adam’s sperm is strong, my eggs are normal. So why isn’t it happening?

‘I want a sibling for Izzy so badly. I want another baby. I love being a mum. It’s who I am. It’s what I do best. I’m not very good at anything else. Let’s face it, I’m never going to get a big important job and earn lots of money. I like being a mum. It fulfils me. I know some people think that’s sad and pathetic and all women should be smashing glass ceilings, but I really like being a stay-at-home mum.

‘I like baking with Izzy and snuggling up and watching Disney movies and going to the park. Mia thinks I should get a job. She says it’ll distract me from the baby thing. She says working helped her when she found out that they couldn’t have more kids. But I don’t want to get a job just to be busy. I want to pick Izzy up from school at 1 p.m. and cherish every moment with her.

‘Besides, I’m different from Mia, there’s nothing “wrong” with Adam or me. We can have more kids. We will have more kids. It’s just taking a long time. Mia thinks being alone in the house all morning is bad for me. She thinks I’ll get depressed. But I won’t. I’d get depressed if I went back to a boring job just to distract myself.

‘Mia likes being a teacher. It gives her great satisfaction. She loves teaching the kids and seeing them thrive. Well, I love seeing my own kid thrive, with me, alone.

‘I’ve never liked big groups and noisy offices and all that chat and bitching about your boss and gossiping about other people. Even when I did work, I always kept out of those conversations. I was nice to everyone but kept my distance. I don’t like sitting around giving out about people. I don’t see the point of it. If you don’t like someone, just avoid them or figure out a way to manage them.

‘There was one mum in Izzy’s class who kept trying to force me into coming to coffee mornings and boot-camp with some of the other mums. But I didn’t want to, so I just kept saying no, in a nice way, and eventually she got the message. I won’t be forced into doing anything I don’t want to do. I’m no walkover. Mia always says I’m the politest stubborn person she knows. I like that expression – it makes me laugh.’

Mia smiled. She did always say that about Sarah. She was so nice and polite that people often didn’t realize how steely she was underneath. If Sarah didn’t want to do something, nothing and nobody would make her change her mind.

‘It’s actually good that I’m free in the mornings because I can take Dad for coffee or a walk while Mum’s having her chemo. She hates when he fusses around her. She likes to be left alone to listen to her audio books. She’s so like Mia, she hates fuss too.

‘Mum can’t bear us trying to look after her. She’s the one who looks after us. She’s the one who minds us when we’re sick. She’s the one in charge of organizing everything. She really hates being the sick one. But she’s been so brave. They said the cancer was aggressive, so they have to fight fire with fire. Poor Mum, she’s lost all her hair and she’s very weak after the chemo sessions.

‘Thank God she only has one more session to go. She’s really very worn down from it. I’ve never seen her so weakened. It freaks me out.Mum has always been so strong and in control, but now she’s like a broken bird. It’s just horrible to watch. But her spirit is strong and, as Mia says, if anyone can fight it, it’s Mum.

‘Mia’s devastated but pretending she isn’t. She keeps saying it’s all going to be fine because she can’t bear the alternative. I’m not so sure. Mum looks terrible and I know it’s mostly the chemo but her colour is awful and I’m worried, really worried, that she might not get better. Mia’s so close to her she just won’t allow the thought of her dying to even enter her mind. I tried broaching the subject yesterday and she cut me dead.

‘“Sarah, Mum’s going to be fine. She’s going to get through this and live a long, happy life,” she said.

‘I said nothing. There’s no talking to Mia when she’s like that. Besides, I know it’s only because she can’t bear the thought of what could happen.

‘Poor Dad is devastated about it all. We go for long walks and we chat about everything and nothing. He hasn’t ever said it out loud, but I think, like me, he suspects Mum might not get better.

‘They’ve been together thirty-seven years. I’ve only been with Adam eight and I can’t imagine life without him. If anything happens to Mum, I’ll have to be strong for Dad.

‘If – no, actually, when I have a baby, if it’s a girl, I’ll call her Penny after my mum. I really hope she doesn’t die. I pray every night for Mum not to die and for me to get pregnant.’

Mia remembered those dark days well. Her mother, her rock, the strongest person she knew, beaten down by that horrible disease. But even though she was battered and bruised, Mia still saw the spark. Her mother’s eyes never lost their light, until the end. Those last two weeks were the worst of Mia’s life. Her mother had given up.

‘I can’t fight any more, love. You have to let me go,’ she’d said, one night, in her hospital room.

Mia had selfishly begged her to keep trying. It was Sarah who had pulled her aside and told her to stop. Her sister told Mia she was being selfish, that their mother had suffered enough, and it was time to end the pain.

‘If you love her, let her go,’ Sarah had told Mia.

So Mia had held her mother’s hand, feeling her bones beneath the thin layer of papery skin, puckered with bruises from being jabbed for so many months, and she had said goodbye. ‘I love you, and I want you to be at peace. Mum, let yourself go. Thank you for being the best mother a girl could wish for. I feel so lucky to have had you in my life for thirty-five years. You are the most amazing woman. We love you.’

Two days later, her mother had taken her last breath. The pain had knocked Mia sideways. Her anchor was gone, and she’d felt like a boat bobbing around on the sea, lost and alone. Grief was a form of madness – she knew that from bitter experience. And she knew it had Adam in its grip now. She adored Sarah, she wanted her to live, but she knew in her heart that she had lost her.

‘You were right, Sarah,’ Mia said, rubbing Sarah’s hand. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Mum. It was so painful to say goodbye … and it’s too painful now. It’s too much. It’s just too much.’ Mia sobbed, her tears splashing onto the pages of the diary.

Week Two

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