Page 63 of Seven Letters

‘The occupational therapist has just left, and Adam has gone off for a meeting with the consultant neurologist, so it’s a good time to go in.’

‘How is Sarah today?’

‘I wanted to mention it before you saw her. She’s a little swollen, but it’s just fluid, so don’t be alarmed.’

‘Is it affecting the baby?’

‘The baby seems fine, but the doctors will be keeping a close eye on it.’

Mia put on the protective gear and went into the room. She was glad Angela had forewarned her: Sarah’s whole body had swollen. Mia gasped at the sight of her. Sarah would hateto look puffy. She was always so careful not to put on weight. Unlike Mia, who was always thin and never put on weight no matter what she ate, Sarah had always had to be careful with her diet. Mia reckoned their different metabolisms were down to her being a worrier and Sarah being laidback. Mia worried her weight off, while Sarah’s positive attitude made her less nervy and thus more prone to gaining pounds.

But Sarah had incredible willpower so she ate very healthily, exercised every day and only allowed herself a few treats now and then. She baked brownies, cakes and scones that everyone else ate. Mia didn’t know how she did it. She herself had tried to give up alcohol once and lasted three days. Life’s too short: I want a beer or a glass of wine after work and I’m not going to feel guilty about it, she’d told herself on day three, as she’d popped the top off a bottle of beer.

Mia took a deep breath and sat down. ‘Don’t worry, Sarah. You’re only a little bloated, still gorgeous,’ she whispered. She took her sister’s hand in hers. ‘I wish you were here to go through this with me. Everything is such a mess. I need you.’

Sarah remained stock still, the machines breathing for her. Mia sighed and took out the diary. She still hadn’t told any of the others about it, but she felt that Sarah wouldn’t mind her keeping this one thing for herself. She turned to the back of the book and read Sarah’s last entry. What were her sister’s last thoughts?

April 2018

‘I’m having a son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘I had the scan today, and it’s a boy! Oh, thank you, God, for this beautiful baby. I know it’s going to bring such joy to our family.

‘Adam didn’t make it to the scan and I was furious, but he was so emotional when I told him he was going to have a son. I’m so happy tobe able to give him this. Our family will be complete. A beautiful little girl and now a boy too. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. I hope he looks like Adam, dark hair and gorgeous hazel eyes.

‘Izzy is so like me, blonde and blue eyes, and I’d like Adam to have his own mini-me. He is already talking about teaching our baby football and taking him to rugby matches and watchingStar Warswith him. It’s so lovely to see him so excited.

‘I can’t wait to go shopping for baby clothes. I know you shouldn’t tempt Fate, but I have a really good feeling about this baby. I just know everything is going to be OK.’

Mia covered her mouth with her hand. To read her sister’s words and feel her joy leap off the page was agony. She reached over and touched Sarah’s cheek. ‘I’m so sorry – this should never have happened. You should still be here, enjoying this pregnancy and this baby. It’s just not fair.’

Mia looked out of the window. Rain was coming down in sheets. Black clouds covered the sky. It was weather for ducks and shattered dreams. She shuffled around in the chair and tried to get comfortable, but a body racked with grief is never still.

‘I wanted to go shopping this morning, but I got a rotten headache. I’m too scared to take any painkillers for it but it’s pretty bad. I actually had to pull over after dropping Izzy to school because my eyesight got blurry.

‘I’m in bed now resting and it’s getting a little better. I’m probably low on iron. I’ll pop into the chemist on my way to collect Izzy and get some.

‘I’ve had a few bad headaches with this pregnancy. I didn’t have any with Izzy, but I felt much more nauseous on her pregnancy. I was constantly retching into the sink when I was pregnant with her. But it passed after fifteen weeks. I’m sure these headaches will pass too.

‘Anyway, who cares about a few headaches or nausea or any of it? I have a beautiful daughter and I’m going to have a gorgeous son. It’s soworth it. I hate hearing women moaning about being pregnant – how hard it is and how they hate being “fat”. It makes me so cross. First of all, you’re so lucky to be pregnant, it’s a blessing and not everyone is lucky enough to have children, and second of all, you’re not fat, you have a baby inside you.

‘Mind you, shifting Izzy’s baby weight after she was born was a struggle. I used the excuse to eat for two when I was pregnant, and it took me a year to shift that extra stone. I’m going to try to be healthier in this pregnancy.

‘I loved my bump with Izzy. This one isn’t showing yet, but I can’t wait until it is. I’ll walk around sticking it out proudly. Dad is so thrilled. His eyes were all watery and he kept saying, “A grandson, imagine that.”

‘I think he would have liked a son. I know he adores Mia and me, but sometimes there were just too many women in the house for him. I’m so happy he’s happy. He said he couldn’t wait to tell Olivia. He really likes her. More than we realized. I’m glad he’s happy, but she can be a little annoying. She doesn’t bother me that much and she’s nice to Dad, which is all that really matters, but Mia can’t stand her and, being Mia, she doesn’t exactly hide it. She can be quite rude at times. I know it bothers Dad. I said it to Mia, but she got all grumpy and said I was being fake-nice and she didn’t do fake.

‘She’s so stubborn at times. I told her it was better to be fake-nice and not hurt Olivia’s or Dad’s feelings than always to say exactly what she thought. I reminded her that she has to be diplomatic in her job at school and she should try using those skills with Olivia too.

‘I know why Mia hates Olivia so much – she’s not Mum. Mia can’t stand the thought of Mum being replaced. But Olivia isn’t replacing her, and she never will. Mum was Mum. Olivia is just someone who is nice to Dad and keeps him busy.

‘But Mia doesn’t want Dad to move on: she wants the house to remain exactly the same. But Dad deserves to be happy. We all do. Mia needs to get over herself.’

Mia bristled. ‘Get over myself! Huh. Thanks, Sarah. I’d like to see how you’d have reacted if the situation was reversed. I’d like to see how blasé you’d have been if Dad had died first and Mum had rocked up with some silver fox, who was all over her. I don’t think you’d have liked it one bit, and you’d have found it a lot harder to be “fake-nice” to him.’

‘I’m worried about Izzy feeling left out. She’s mentioned one or two things about the baby taking up all of my time and wondered whether I’ll love her the same when he’s born. I’ve really tried to reassure her. I want her to know how loved and cherished she is. I want her to love her brother and not resent him. It’s so important that they bond well. I don’t know what I’d do without Mia. Even if she drives me nuts at times, and I know I bug her too, she’s my person. No one in the world has my back like Mia and I’m the same with her. I’m allowed to give out about her from time to time, but when Adam does, it makes me furious.

‘He finds Mia too strident – they clash all the time. I’ve tried to suggest to Mia that she doesn’t pull him up on everything he says that she disagrees with, and I’ve said the exact same thing to Adam, but they can’t help themselves. They disagree on so many things. If Mia says black, Adam says white.

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