Page 89 of Seven Letters

Adam sipped his gin and tonic. ‘I’ve been avoiding alcohol. I’m afraid if I start drinking, I may never stop.’

‘Don’t worry, I won’t let you overdo it.’

‘What if I have Dad’s genes and end up an alcoholic?’

‘Adam,’ Rob said gently, ‘you’ve always been able to have a few drinks without going overboard. You’re never going to be like Dad.’

Adam pulled a cushion from behind his back. It was edged with little fabric bobbles. ‘Sometimes, lately, in very dark moments, I kind of envy Dad. He just disappeared into a haze of booze. He felt no responsibility to anyone. He only thought about and loved himself. Maybe he had the right attitude – life would be easier if we didn’t love or have to take care of others. There would be no pain or grief.’

Rob kicked off his shoes and placed his feet on the velvet footstool. ‘He was a selfish, pathetic, shallow old bastard, who left this world without one person mourning him. Would you really want that? I know you’re in Hell right now, but you loved and were loved. You have Izzy, who adores you and whom you adore. It’s not what you wanted, it’s not what you had, but it’s still something good.’

Adam took another swig of his drink and let the numbingeffect of the alcohol wash over him. ‘I’m not a good dad, Rob. I can’t even make her bloody lunch. She needs Sarah – I need Sarah.’ He began to cry.

Rob silently handed him a tissue.

‘Sarah was our family. She was the centre. She was the most important person. I was so busy working all the time that I left raising Izzy to her. I should have been home more. She asked me – she made me promise that when our son was born I’d be home every night for dinner. I should have been here more, Rob. I wasn’t a good husband or father.’

Rob put down his glass and sat forward. ‘Hold on a minute here. You are a good husband and father. You provide for your family. You’ve given them a beautiful home, security, love and a good life. OK, so you weren’t home every night, big bloody deal. I’m not home every night either. Ellen is always complaining that I work too hard. But they don’t get it. We have to work hard! It’s the only way we can feel safe. When you come from nothing, you never feel you have enough. You crave financial safety and security, but it’s never enough.’

Adam nodded. ‘You’re the only one who really understands. No one else knows what it’s like to live each day not knowing if there’d be food in the house, if Dad would be awake or unconscious. Oh, Rob, what am I going to do about the baby?’ Adam asked, his voice breaking.

Rob chose his words very carefully. ‘I can’t tell you what to do. You have to look at the facts and make that decision yourself. Weigh up what the doctors are saying and make the decision that’s best for your whole family – all four of you.’

Adam buried his face in his hands. ‘I know what’s happening to Sarah is awful, but my boy’s heart is still beating. Sarah would have done anything for her kids. She once said she’d give up her life for Izzy.’

‘You don’t have to make a decision today or tomorrow. Take a breath.’

Rob was really worried that Adam was going to crack. He was teetering very close to the edge. His big brother had always been the strong one, the determined, driven, confident one. He had always been there for Rob, through thick and a lot of very thin. Adam was his hero, the person he looked up to and admired most. But now, looking at that broken man, Rob knew he had to be the supportive one. He had to be strong for Adam. If his brother wanted to keep Sarah alive, Rob would back him. Just like Adam had always backed Rob. No matter what curveballs life threw at them – and there had been many – they always had each other’s back.

After seeing Sarah, Rob had called Ellen and sobbed down the phone. It was such a shock to see her in that terrible state. Ellen said she thought it was wrong and they should turn the machines off, but Rob said it was Adam’s decision and he had to support him no matter what. They’d ended up arguing about it.

It was the ultimate impossible choice. Rob’s heart broke for his brother. You’d think life would give Adam a break. Seriously, what kind of God lumps this on a man who has already had to claw his way through childhood? Rob drank deeply and enjoyed the burning sensation as the alcohol slid down his throat.

‘I don’t like fighting with Charlie and Mia, but it’s my son.’ Adam looked at Rob with eyes full of anguish. ‘Dad gave up on us, and I won’t give up on my Ben. If that means falling out with the others, then so be it. If I can’t trust them, they can’t be near Sarah. It’s as simple as that.’

Rob knew it was very far from simple. ‘Why don’t I try to talk to Charlie and Mia, smooth things over? I’m with you, all the way.’

Adam wiped the tears from his face. ‘Thanks, Rob. I feel like I’m going mad. My only sanity is you.’

Rob picked up his drink and knocked it back. He wanted to sleep, to pass out, to wipe out the gruesome image of Sarah’s distended and distorted body. But he knew he had to get up tomorrow and face it again.

35

Johnny walked into the bedroom and placed a cup of tea on the bedside locker. ‘Come on, up you come and drink your tea.’ He placed his hands under Mia’s arms and lifted his wife into a seated position. ‘You’ve had an evening and a morning in bed crying. Time to get up now.’

Johnny gathered up the mound of tissues on the floor beside Mia and threw them into the wastepaper basket. He opened the curtains.

Mia winced as sunlight flooded the room. ‘Stop, Johnny, it’s too bright.’

He opened the window. Fresh air flowed into the room. ‘Sunlight and fresh air are good for you. Drink your tea.’ He handed her the mug. It had ‘Number 1 Mum’ on it. Riley had given it to her for Mother’s Day when she was nine, still sweet and compliant.

Mia sipped the tea. ‘Sugar?’

‘I put some in to give you energy.’

‘Nice.’ Mia sipped again. Her head ached.

‘I know you want to pull the covers over your head and stay there, but it’s only going to make you feel worse. You need to get up and go to see Sarah. Talk to her. I know she looks awful, but hold her hand, talk to her, make your peace with her going and say what you want to say to her.’

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