Page 30 of Good Sisters

‘Aww, Louise, you had a memory about her, didn’t you? They catch you when you least expect it.’

Jenny was one of those rare people who knew what youwanted, needed and were feeling before you did. I’d never had a secretary like her. She was incredible and I paid her over the odds to keep her.

She handed me a tissue.

‘I just miss her, and so does Clara, but she can’t express it and … uh, uh, Mum was so good with Clara. It’s a big gap in her life and she’s all confused and I don’t know how to help her. I think Mum would have known what to do, but I can’t ask her because she’s gone. I’m so worried about Clara, and the one person who loved her as much as I do is gone.’

Jenny rubbed my back. ‘Don’t forget that your mum was there to help you and Clara when you most needed it. Her bond with Clara helped her so much. That will always stand to Clara. You’re doing your best, Louise. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You never give yourself a break.’

Jenny handed me a glass of water. I took a sip, wiped my eyes and stood up. I had to get it together. Ronald was waiting for me upstairs.

‘Help me, Jenny. I have to go back up with a bottle of champagne and celebrate the deal. I have to show him I’m on top of my game and not a bloody mess.’

Jenny grabbed her make-up bag and began to patch up my face. Then she looked at my blouse. ‘Right, take that off and put mine on.’ She whipped her shirt off and handed it to me. She then gave me deodorant from her own bag.

‘Okay, you look better now. A bit red around the eyes, but if you put your glasses on, they’ll hide it.’

‘Now I need to find a bottle of champagne.’

‘I’ll ask Aisling. I know she bought a case for Ivan last week.’

Jenny was back within seconds with a bottle of champagne. ‘You’re a life-saver.’

‘You’re welcome. And, Louise, it’s normal to grieve. You have to let it out or it’ll drown you.’

But how could I let it out? I had a daughter to look after, a very busy job that paid the bills, and a widowed father to mind. I didn’t have time for grief. I had to keep the show on the road. I was all Clara had. She needed me to be a good mother, provider and supporter. Falling apart was just not an option.

When I got home at seven, Gavin met me at the front door. ‘I wanted to tell you something before Clara sees you,’ he whispered.

‘What?’

‘She came home from school, and when we were having our snack, she asked me about her dad, who he was, if I knew his name. She’s never asked me anything like that before.’

Damnit. ‘This is only the second time it’s come up,’ I told him. ‘She asked me a little while ago. I was hoping she’d forget about it. What did you say?’

‘I said she had to talk to you.’

‘Okay, thanks, Gavin.’

‘I’ve got to fly. Shania wants a hot red curry tonight. She’s got mad cravings for spicy food.’

‘Go and look after her. Thanks for helping me out.’

I put my bag down on the hall table and went to Clara’s room. Her door was closed and I could hear ‘Fernando’ playing. Mum had introduced her to ABBA and Clara had become obsessed. ‘Fernando’ was Mum’s favourite ABBA song. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and knocked gently. ‘It’s Mummy.’ I opened the door.

Clara was sitting on her bed, wrapped in her favourite blanket, Luna asleep beside her. Clara had her lights turned down low, the way she liked them. She looked younger than her almost ten years, young and fragile. She was humming to the song. I sat on the edge of her bed and let the song finish.

‘How was school?’

Looking down, she rubbed the corner of the blanket. ‘Why don’t I have a daddy?’ she asked. ‘Everyone else does, except Billy, whose daddy died.’

‘Well, you do have a daddy. We just don’t know where he is.’

‘I know you said you don’t know him, but how can you not know him? Jude said everyone knows who their daddy is.’

To hell with Jude. I’d had a long day and I didn’t need this.

‘I told you, sweetheart. I met your daddy in Italy and we had one lovely, romantic night together and then I came back to Ireland. I had no idea that you would be conceived that night. It was a total surprise, an amazing and incredible surprise.’

---