Page 43 of Good Sisters

‘Okay. Well, why don’t you talk to Hannah and just say you didn’t mean to criticize the cake? You just don’t like carrots.’

‘But I do like carrots.’

‘Okay, but not in a cake. Look, just talk to her. It’ll be nice to go to her party and have fun.’

‘I don’t want to go to her party. It’ll be too noisy and her mum will probably make more disgusting cakes.’

‘Clara, you have to get used to going to parties and having fun with your classmates. I know it’s hard sometimes and parties can be noisy, but it’s part of life. Remember what Granny always said? “The more you try, the easier it’ll get.”’

‘Well, Granny’s dead now.’

That hit me like a punch.

Clara continued, seemingly unaffected by her reference to her grandmother’s passing while I struggled to control my emotions. ‘Anyway, Mummy, I’ve been disinvited and I don’t want to go. Hannah and her friends don’t like me. They think I’m weird.’

My heart sank. My beautiful girl was always going to be an outsider, the kid who didn’t fit in. I wanted her to have friends and fun, but as Colin had told me, Clara’s idea of a good time was not the same as most kids’. Clara’s idea of a perfect day was being in her bedroom with the lights dimmed, snuggled up in her blanket with Luna, reading or watching a movie of her choice with the volume down low.

‘Okay. You and I can do something fun on Saturday afternoon instead. What would you like to do? We could go for a walk in the forest and have a picnic, or –’

‘We could try and find my daddy.’ Clara cut across me. ‘You’re so clever, Mummy. Gavin and Sophie and Julie are always saying how clever you are. I bet you could find him. I want to find him. Everyone has a daddy except me. William said I have no daddy because when he saw how weird I am he ran away.’

I felt my heart shatter. I’d thought my love would be enough. I’d thought my family and the village I’d surroundedClara with was enough, but it wasn’t. My sisters had warned me this would happen. They’d said Clara would get to an age where she’d want to know more. But how could I help my beautiful daughter, when I had no clue who her father was?

‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll try really hard, but I may not be able to find him. You understand that, right?’

She put her arms around me. ‘Thank you, Mummy.’

I held her gently, enjoying the hug, and tried to figure out what the hell to do next.

Dad came to visit us on Saturday. I was in the kitchen making lunch, listening to him and Clara talking while they sat on the couch, Dad with his arm lightly around Clara. I could hear her telling him a very long story about birds and he was doing a good job of sounding interested. He had always been sweet to Clara, but he was a little nervous of her, wary of saying or doing the wrong thing and setting her off. He’d always taken the lead from Mum and followed what she did with Clara.

Clara finally finished her story and Dad said, ‘Well, now, I’ve learned a lot today. You are a very clever girl. I don’t know how you remember all those facts.’

‘I’m clever like my mummy.’

‘That’s true. Your mother was always the smartest of my children.’

‘Is she your favourite?’ Clara asked.

I smiled to myself. If Sophie and Julie were here, they’d be straining their ears too.

‘Ah, now, fathers don’t have favourites. I love all my kids equally.’

‘What about your grandchildren?’

‘The same. I love you all equally.’

‘Granny always said I was her favourite.’

‘Yes, pet, I think you were. Sure, she was mad about you.’

‘I miss Granny.’

‘I do too.’

‘I wish she didn’t die.’

‘I do too.’

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