Page 44 of Pitch Prince

“That’s…not what I meant,” I said. “I mean…I don’t know how to be openly gay.”

“I’m here to help you,” Rhys started, but I cut him off before he could continue.

“I’m not sure I want to come out yet,” I said.

Rhys kept his voice controlled. I was used to hearing him use this tone with Finn, when he went into help mode. “So when do you think you’ll want to? In weeks? Years? I lo— I really like you, but I can’t wait around for you forever, Cal.”

Something in my heart twisted at the confirmation of what I had feared. “I wouldn’t expect you to. I just…I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”

“Why, Callum? Are you ashamed of being with me? Or Is there something I’ve done, something I can do?”

“I’m not…ashamed of you,” I said. “I’m ashamed…of me. And despite you being so wonderful, it’s something I’m struggling to let go of. But seeing that article in the paper…I don’t think I’m ready to face that kind of scrutiny yet.”

“Scrutiny I’ve had since the say I started my career,” Rhys said. “Scrutiny ten times less than what Finn has put himself through, with how he was forced out of the closet. All you’d need to do is hold my hand on the street, or kiss me after a match. Your secret would be out, and the world would move on.”

“What if they don’t? I asked. “What if they dredge up every time we’ve played against one another and spin it, like I’ve been cheating on my wife for years or…”

“Then we face it together,” Rhys said. “Because that’s what couples do.”

“I don’t deserve you,” I said. My heart was heavy as horrific, and tempting, intrusive thoughts ran through my head.I could make this so much easier for Rhys.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked.

“I…don’t know. I really like being with you, but I just…I can’t be with you and promise you I’m ever going to come out.”

“Well that’s fine, we can work something out,” said Rhys, holding my arm as if I was already moving away from him.

“Can you honestly tell me you’d be happy with me not being out? With you never being able to hold my hand in the street? Waving off questions whenever a sports or LGBT site asks about your relationship status?” I asked. I was sabotaging myself and I knew it. I just hoped that at some point I’d be able to forgive myself for it. For letting go.

“Then what do you want?” Rhys asked after a moment.

“I…it’s not about what I want, is it?” I asked, my voice coming out sharper than intended.

“Well it certainly doesn’t seem to be about what I fucking want does it?” he said.

I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I slowly gathered my composure before standing up to leave. “I should go.”

Rhys didn’t reply. Didn’t look me in the eye as I grabbed my suitcase from the hallway and opened the door. When I looked back, he wasn’t looking at me. He faced away from me, staring at the patio doors as I left.

20

Chapter Twenty - Rhys

It was only half an hour before a key turned in the lock and Mum rushed into the flat. I was letting the tears flow freely and she looked at me with pity in her eyes I hadn’t seen since the day I came out to her at fourteen.

“Oh, love. What’s happened now?” she was at my side and pulling my head to her shoulder in seconds. I dampened the wool of her cardigan with my tears for a few more minutes before I could give her an answer.

“Just…just a man,” I said.

“I’ve never known you to be so hung up onjust a manbefore. C’mon, whose door do I have to knock? It’s been a whole since I’ve thrown a punch but I can tell you they used to fear me in the Corporation Pub back in the day.”

“Doesn’t matter, mam,” I said. I still owed it to Callum to protect his identity, but Mum was reaching for the ripped up copy of the sports paper on the floor. “Oh, love. Married?”

I shrugged before letting out another sob and she rubbed my back. “Tea? Or something stronger?” she asked.

“Just a tea, Mam.” She threw the mugs Callum and I had been using less than an hour before into the sink and started making the tea with fresh cups. “So. How long has this been going on?”

“About four months,” I answered honestly.

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