Page 25 of Lord of the Lock

“Want to talk about it?” I asked. “Something on your mind?”

“No, no. It’s fine.”

It was not fine, and I could tell just looking at him. “Scoot over,” I said. “Back to your side of the bed.”

Nathan’s head disappeared from view as he shuffled over to his side, and I pushed myself up with my good arm to lay next to him, not quite touching. His body was beautiful, pale in the morning sunlight with just the hint of muscle tone to it now. His banana-print boxers were also adorable. But now wasn’t the time to be focusing on that.

“Lay on your side,” I said, “face away from me.”

Nathan looked confused but turned so that he was facing away. I kept my eyes trained on the back of his head, determined not to look any lower.

“Do I have your permission to touch you?” I asked.

“Like how?” Nathan asked, his voice tinged with concern.

“Just one finger on your back,” I said. “I won’t go anywhere you don’t want me to.”

Nathan sighed. “Go ahead.”

I touched one finger to the back of his neck and drew a gentle line down his spine. Nathan shuddered. “Want to tell me about your nightmare?”

I traced circles around each spot on his spine, stopping a respectful distance from the line of his boxers before working my way back up. After a minute, Nathan sighed and started to talk. “That ex I told you about…we were kids, really. I know we were eighteen, but they don’t teach you gay sex ed at school. So I’d done all the research online and he only had experience watching porn. So he wasn’t the most…considerate lover.”

I bristled, but kept my tone calm. “Did he ever hurt you?”

“No…not deliberately,” said Nathan. “I consented to everything, it was all…I don’t know, it was legal. I guess that’s how I’d put it. But after my parents found out and I told them he was my boyfriend, it was like we settled into this routine. He would come over a few times a week after a few drinks with the lads, and we’d have sex. He would finish sometimes, often not…and then he’d fall asleep, beer on his breath and usually on top of me. I could sort myself out in the bathroom, but I think that aspect of being gay kinda grossed him out.”

I willed my finger not to hesitate as I carried on creating relaxing patterns on his back. Nathan was opening up, and much as it was horrible to hear, he needed to say it. “So we carried on for a bit like that…and I didn’t know how to get out. Every time I fell asleep, I felt that little bit more claustrophobic or trapped, and I haven’t really liked it since.”

“So you’re not a cuddler?” I asked.

“I…wait.” Nathan turned over to face me. “Can you turn over like I did for you?”

I did without asking him why. After a second, he spoke, even quieter and more hesitant than before. “Can I…can I move closer?”

“Of course,” I breathed.

After a second, Nathan’s hands snaked around my chest, and his body connected with mine. In order for us to spoon, his head was tucked somewhere between my shoulder blades and his feet were still about half a foot further up the bed than mine, but we fit together in that way like an odd jigsaw. I did my best not to be hyper-aware of the way his crotch was pressing up against my arse.

“I’ve always wanted to do this,” Nathan said.

“What, cuddle?”

“No, well, yeah. Big spoon.”

“You’re still a little spoon, “ I teased as his hands idly stroked my chest and stomach, pushing through dark curly hairs and making goosebumps appear wherever they went. “Just like a teaspoon in the tablespoon drawer, bumping up against the back of a big spoon.”

“Whatever, it’s nice,” replied Nathan, his voice muffled just a little bit by the way his face was smushed between my shoulder blades.

“So we’re fake boyfriends with real cuddles?” I asked him after a minute.

“I guess so,” said Nathan. He trailed one hand across my stomach and belly-button, and this time I couldn’t stop myself from a full on shudder. “Sorry, is this OK?” he asked.

“More than OK. Your hand just feels really good,” I said. I was aware that I was getting hard, but didn’t want to pull attention to it. Nathan was just starting to trust me, just starting to feel safe around me. That was much more important than getting off. The feel of his hand on my front and warm body at my back were just so, so good. “You know if you need…this kind of thing, no judgement, no fear, I’m here. Cuddle buddy for life.”

“No one’s ever gotten me talking before like you did just then, “ said Nathan after a second. “After all the…shame of everything, I just kept quiet. But you opened me right up.”

“I stole it from my therapist,” I admitted.

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