Page 33 of Lord of the Lock

“Shit indeed, young man. What has gotten into you?”

“Dunno. Don’t care.” I put the coffee down, and it sloshed over the counter. “Everything’s just shit, isn’t it.”

“What’s the problem?” Rhod asked. He looked so concerned that I felt sick.

“Why aren’t you fuckingangry?” I asked him. “Surely if you hated me half as much as I hate myself right now, you’d be screaming at me. Firing me. Telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve the trust you’ve given me.”

“That was surprisingly eloquent, Finn. Grab a bin bag please.” Rhod stepped into the living room and I had no choice but to follow, snagging a bag from a drawer on the way. I opened it on his instruction and stood silently as he dropped beer bottles and the wine bottle into it with a crash.

“The first time I had to deal with a young man who chose drink over a happy life, I was angry,” said Rhod. “The second time, maybe the third, fourth, tenth times too. But I got over being angry at some point. And I got deeply, deeply sad. Because the living conditions here make people sad. The Welsh Valleys are crushed under the boot of whatever man or woman is in power. The jobs around here are terrible and life ishard. Most of us go to school, we become a plumber, or a shop assistant, or a cleaner, and we work until we’re sixty-six. And then we die. Our fathers mined the coal in these valleys until their hands turned black and stopped working, and then they retired. And then they died. And that’s the way it’s been, forever. The Valleys are beautiful to an outsider. The green, green grass of home beckons you wherever you are. But these hillsides can be like a prison.

“And it drives a man to drink, it really does. You get angry, you drink, you get happy, you drink, you get sad, you drink. And then you die. Not necessarily from the drink, but you die a drinker. And people never, ever get out of the valley. Because they’re too poor, or because their father drank, or because their mother drank and she beat their father black and blue for coming home from the pub late every single night. Rugby is an avenue away from all that for a lot of boys, Finn. It runs through our veins, it’s in our blood and cuts us to the bone. No fancy doctor in Cardiff or lawyer in London puts their body on the line like a rugby player does. It gives purpose to someone who’s got nothing but work. We drink after a game to celebrate, of course, but we get up in the morning, we go to work and we come home to our wives and our children, and the high of that life we’ve built for ourselves is enough for us to keep going.”

Rhod paused for a minute, gathering up the bag before beckoning me to follow him into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and swept every single full bottle into the bag with a crash.

“Now you, Finn. You had it all. You had rugby, and you got out of this bastard valley like so few do. So no, I am not angry at you at all for falling back into drink. But it hurts me, it hurts my heart. I could never be angry at you. You boys are like my own children, and I have done my best to shepherd you all into being better. Into not drinking like all your fathers and their fathers before them. So whatever has driven you back to this, I will do my best to help you get better.”

The tears that had threatened to break free in the night were flowing now. “I don’t deserve you, Rhod.”

“No. You don’t. Now, tell me what brought you back to this.”

What could I say? I’d overstepped the fake relationship that Rhod very much believed was real, but I couldn’t let him down for a second time today. So I just shook my head.

“Is it the job? Or being back here?” Rhod asked. I shook me head. “Is it your man?” I nodded slowly. “Damn, this is normally when I ask one of my players if he’s gotten his girl pregnant, but I somehow don’t think that’s the case here.”

I laughed through the tears, and wiped at my face with one wine-stained sleeve, the smell turning my stomach. “I…” I knew I had to stick to the truth as close as possible. “ I pushed our relationship a bit further than he wanted to take it.”

“You proposed?” Rhod asked. I nodded slowly. That was pretty accurate.

“And he said no?”

“Well…” I swept my hand across the room, gesturing at the wine stain on the carpet.

“Whatever was said or done, I’m sure your young lad likes you. Even if you’ve pushed a little too hard or fast. You’re smart, you can work through it.”

“Thanks, Rhod,” I muttered. “Sorry about…everything.”

“I said I wasn’t angry , and I’m not. But you missed the first match for some of these boys today. It’ll take a bit of work to make them know that you care, but I’m sure you can do it.”

“Thank you.” I pulled Rhod into a hug before he could protest. The world might have been swimming before me, my head might have felt like a strobe light was on a constant pulse inside, but I was going to be OK. I just had to get better. And part of that, once I’d given him the appropriate space, would be about apologising to Nathan.

“Right, I’m off to celebrate. You take today easy, but I want you in my office tomorrow to talk training for our first league game of the season. Some of the lads played shoddily in today’s game, and that either because they didn’t care that it was just a friendly or because they actually need more training, and we can talk about that then.”

“Sure thing, Boss.”

“Oh, one last thing,” said Rhod, heading for the door. “I want you hosting an open session on Thursday evening after the regular training session. Maybe pick a player to help you? I’m sure we have some untapped gems in this valley.”

“This valley mined coal, not diamond,” I replied, feeling pretty damn slick.

“And what does coal turn into under pressure?” Rhod shot back before letting my door slam shut.

I was alone in the house. “I dunno, slightly harder coal?” I said to the empty room. And then I was running to the kitchen sink to throw up.

* * *

I was finally making progress on the wine-stain on the carpet when the door knocked again. I had spewed my guts up, showered, brushed my teeth and napped, and if I wasn’t feeling fresh as a daisy then at least I was feeling a little fresher than before. I had opened the curtains and windows to let some air in and things were feeling OK.

I’d also found Rhod’s wallet on my kitchen counter, so I was sure the knocking on the front door was him. I picked it up from the coffee table, whistling as I opened the door. Not to the balding elderly gentleman who had known me since I was a kid, but to the pink-haired little guy who had become my world in a matter of weeks.

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