Page 34 of Lord of the Lock

“Hi,” I said awkwardly.

“Can I come in?” asked Nathan after a few seconds.

I stood aside to let him past me, knowing he’d see what I’d been up to. But in amongst all the lies to other people I knew this relationship needed to be built on honesty above all else.

“Busy morning then?” Nathan asked. I pulled off the marigold-yellow dish gloves I’d been wearing and moved the wash-bucket into the kitchen. The wine-stain was going to be a permanent addition to the cream floral carpet but I’d made a dent.

“…yeah,” I confessed. “I was cleaning up after last night.”

“Party? Have anyone round?” Nathan asked. The same tinge of jealousy in his voice that I knew would be in mine if I’d asked the question.

“No….just me,” I said. “Would you…could you sit down? There’s lot we need to talk about.”

“I agree,” said Nathan. “Alexa, coffee, make it fucking strong!”

I smiled at the fact he knew my house well enough now to shout at it. When I heard the coffee machine beep I brought the coffee in to him and sat on the arm of the seat to give him distance. Nathan took sip. “So.Fiancé.”

“Fiancé,” I replied. So we’d cover that first. “All I can say is…I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have put you in an awkward position, and I’m sorry to have said something so stupid…I just wanted to protect you without going all ape mode, and my stupid fucking brain came up with the worst possible solution to the problem.”

“Sounds about right,” said Nathan with a small smile. “I forgive you. But we’re going to need to come up with a solution.”

“Can’t we just hope no one else finds out?”

“No one finds out what you blurted in the street in front of at least five drunk men, one of whom by all accounts has a habit of getting drunk and spouting off about me? Yeah, in this little village that’ll go nowhere.” Nathan laughed ruefully.

“We can say we broke up…” I suggested, barely managing not to wince.

“What if that’s not whatIwant?” asked Nathan. “This is working out well for me at the moment, and it seems to me that if I want your company we’re gonna have to keep up the ruse. I enjoy spending time with you Finn, it’s just…that kinda fucked it all up.”

“Then we’re fake-engaged, for as long as you want us to be,” I said. “You know those friends who say if they’re not married by thirty-five they’ll get married? Why not do it backwards? We’re engaged now. And if you find someone you’d rather be with, we break off the engagement and pretend it never happened.” I tried saying it as casually as I could. But it wasn’t nice, the thought of breaking up with Nathan. Fake-breaking up.Whatever.

“That’s the stupidest idea I’ve heard sincefake relationship,” said Nathan, and this time his smile seemed more genuine. “So naturally, I’m in.”

“Great…” I said. “Though I want to be honest with you now, and if you want you can cut it all off.”

“Well that only has meslightlyworried,” Nathan quipped.

“I have a problem with alcohol.” I let it hang in the room for a second before carrying on. “I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud before. But I had a problem before I left here for Cardiff and with fame and a bit of money it just got worse. I don’t think Ineededit every day, as such, but if there was a party with people getting drunk, I had to get the drunkest. If I wasn’t sleeping through a hangover on a Sunday then there was no point to there being a Sunday. And at home, if I was alone by myself I’d polish off a crate of beer in a night.”

Nathan didn’t say anything, so I carried on. “I’m doing my best to get better, I promise. And Rhod gave me a real wake-up call today. My drunken behaviour fucked up my international career and I’m determined not to let it fuck up what little I have left. When I’m around you and I’m having a good time…it’s easier not to drink. But I don’t want it to be something that I need when I’m lonely. I want to be better. I need to be better.”

Nathan put the cup of coffee down on the table and I wasn’t sure if he was about to run out of the house and never look back. He launched himself at me and wrapped his arms around my neck. “I’m here for you, whenever you need to talk,” he whispered in my ear. “I will be here as long you need me.”

I cautiously let my arms wrap around Nathan to hold him close. His promise meant more to me than anything else in the world in that moment.

17

Chapter Seventeen - Finn

It was a warm evening, and the late summer sun had yet to set over the hillsides. Pont rugby club was getting a fresh coat of paint for the upcoming rugby season and our first game with Pandy was fast approaching. But Rhod had insisted that we start the open sessions for potential new players. I had the feeling he wanted to start a second, more inclusive team.

I had brought Ben along with me to help with our open rugby session. Rhod was right. We’d spent so long pushing at the current team, becoming an insular society that only accepted the best from the local high school, that we might have been missing out on some absolute gems in the community.

About twenty people had turned up for the open session, all between the ages of 16 and 30. Some had previous rugby experience, some had never touched a ball in their life. The goal of these open sessions was to get them comfortable with one another and the sport, and to build confidence. As Ben was pretty young and not the stereotypical rugby player with his gangly build, I hoped that he could encourage some enthusiasm and extract new or hidden confidence from the newbies.

“Right then all, let’s get started!” I shouted. “We’ll start with a lap of the field!” There were groans from the group, but I needed to get an accurate measure of people’s fitness before I could start telling them what they should and shouldn’t be doing. Ben took the lead and the rest followed him as he shouted encouragement to them with cheesiness and overconfidence I hadn’t felt since high school. As they all took off on a lap around the field - some, especially the younger ones were like rockets whilst some could manage a walk - I spotted a familiar flash of pink moving toward me across the field.

Fuck. It was a Thursday. Nathan’s usual training day with me. He had started using the gym without me every now and then, but we still had a personal session every Thursday. And because I was disorganised enough to have never kept a diary in my life, I hadn’t seen the potential clash. I could see Nathan’s face, and his lips were turned down in a little frown that I wanted to wipe off his face.

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