Page 43 of Lord of the Lock

In the light, I could tell that my impressions of him the night at the Pont Hotel were pretty accurate. He’d aged badly in the six years since I’d last seen him, with greying hair at his temples and a bit of a paunch coming on. It didn’t bring me any pleasure to see him brought to this, but it didn’t exactly hurt either.

Lewis sat down and for a few fragile seconds, neither of us said anything. Then when he did go to open his mouth, the kindly old waitress came to take his order. When she had brought him a cup of tea, he finally got his chance to speak.

“So I’ve been a bit of a shit,” he said. I waited for him to carry on, but he didn’t. He just lifted his mug with one shaking hand, and took a long slurp of his tea.

“Well, you got that right,” I said. “So why meet now?”

“I just…” Lewis hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m not here to beg for you back, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

The thought had crossed my mind. “Well I’m glad. I said no six years ago. I’m not about to change my mind.”

“Good. You deserve better. You have better.” Lewis took anther sip whilst I tried to collect my jaw off the floor.

“What?” I finally managed.

“You deserve better than me, and you’ve obviously gotten it. I treated you like shit in high school, I strung you along, and I…I know now, some of the things I did wrong. I know that I wasn’t…considerate, I guess.”

It was the understatement of the fucking century, but still not something I expected to hear passing Lewis’ lips.

“…thanks,” was all I could bring myself to say. I took another long drink. Was Lewis going to talk more, or was I expected to say something now? That I forgave him?DidI forgive him?

“I just wanted to ask. How do you get happy?” Lewis asked after a minute.

“Happy?”

“Yeah, happy. How do you get…like you?”

I laughed without much humour. “I was harassed out of my home town by my ex-boyfriend and his big scary hookup, lived in exile in a tiny village in the middle of fucking nowhere, only to come home to a father who’s insistent on making my home life a living hell, and I’m in some kind of relationship with a man that probably sees me as his sappy little liability.”

“You’re joking, right?” asked Lewis.

“Which part?” I took the mug of coffee in front of me and swigged down the dregs like I was finishing a pint of beer.

“You’re, like…yes, I was a stupid twat. So on your first point, you’re right. But I had no idea Charlie was harassing you too. I haven’t spoken to him in five fucking years. That’s…that’s not on.”

“Seriously? He threatened me in my first couple of weeks back here. If I hadn’t been with Finn…” I tailed off. Weirdly, looking back, that day just over a month before felt like a happy memory now. The fear I felt in this small town had faded. But I still remembered that he was such a big part of the reason I’d left so long ago. “Did he ever come out?”

Lewis looked around conspiratorially. “No. We didn’t hook up after…after that one time.”

“And have you…” I left the question open ended, and to be honest I didn’t know exactly what I was asking. I hoped he’d fill in the blanks.

“I’ve not…been with anyone, since,” admitted Lewis. “I think I always knew I was…I was going wrong with you, and I can only say how fucking sorry I am for being such a shit. And then that time with Charlie, he made me feel exactly like how I must have made you feel. Like a toy, or a tool to be used. So I did a bit of research. Not porn, I googled ‘how to have gay sex’. Can you fucking believe that? And then I got led onto this video about cups of tea…”

I laughed. I was surprised by how easy this conversation with Lewis was. How much he’d grown. “I’ve only heard of that one recently. It was an eye opener.”

“Fucking crazy, man. Anyway, by the time I’d figured out what I wanted, how to be me, how to be fucking proud of being…a queer, I guess, I was getting grey, getting fat and the cigarettes had wrecked my fucking teeth. I’ve tried Grindr, and other than sixty year olds wanting to shit on my chest I am not a fucking catch.”

I was glad I had finished my coffee, because I would have snorted it all out of my nose at that one. “Jesus Christ, Lewis.”

“Anyway, back to your points,” he said. “Yeah, it was shit — what I did to you, what Charlie did to you — but you got the fuck out of here. Don’t you know how many of us wish we’d done the same? You lived in Cardiff and then on the Welsh coast, and I live three streets away from the house where I grew up. I still see my shitty father every day because we work for the same fucking company. Yougot out, and I can apologise every fucking day for being the one who forced you out, but you did.”

I sat in stunned silence, and Lewis seemed to take it as a sign to carry on. “And your dad is making your life a living hell? That’s been my whole fucking life, and God knows your father has his reasons for being a prick. The rest of us just had shitty dads from birth. So big whoop. And you falling for a man who doesn’t look at you twice? I was within three feet of you the other day and I think if I’d taken a step closer he’d have ripped my head off for getting too close. That man is as in love with you as anyone I’ve ever seen. So I’ll ask you again. How do I get to be happy?”

“I told you, I’m not…” I paused. “I’m…fuck, I’m happy, aren’t I?” And despite all the shit in my life, there was one thing. One person, who’d been the catalyst for it all. And we’d been dancing around each other like two idiots. Finn had made me happy. But did I make him happy? The thought of his big thigh pressed against mine. His dopey smile, and silly jokes. The way his face relaxed into blissed out ecstasy as I slid into him…

Fuck.My head was spinning. OfcourseFinn looked at me the same way I looked at him. Offuckingcourse. And here I was, wasting time in a quasi-therapy session with my ex.

“Sorry Lew, that’s going to have to wait. I’ve got places to be. But I promise. I will carry on this conversation. I owe you that. But when it comes to being happy? I think I’ve got to go and grab happiness by the balls.” I stood up, grabbed my coat and headed for the door. It wasn’t until I was halfway to Pontycae’s rugby ground that I realised I hadn’t paid.Fuck it. Lewis could have that one little extra bit of penance.

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