Page 50 of Lord of the Lock

“It’s hardlyEverest,” said Noel. He pointed up at the top of the hill. “It’s grassy all the way to the top, it can’t be that high.”

“Whatever you say,” Nathan countered. “I’m still going to be asking the big man to do most of the pushing.”

“Watch who you’re calling big,” I shot back. I scanned the car park at the base of the hill, but no one had turned up yet. And then I saw the familiar coach coming over the horizon.

“Oh for fucks sake,” I muttered. Nathan followed my eyeline and grinned. “I feel I’ve been invited under false pretences.”

“What, because your ex-coach has invited the entirety of the Cardiff Old Navy squad to a friendly hike? I can’t imagine why…”

The bus stopped and about twenty lads piled out, all led by Pete Grainger, Cardiff’s newest head coach. He smiled as he approached and held out a hand to shake, and then shook both Nathan and Noel’s hands too. “Ready for a climb, boys?”

“I had no idea you were bringing the whole Cardiff team,” I said. “When you asked me, you said it was a family trip you were inviting us on.”

“This team are the closest thing I’ve got to a family,” said Pete. “I wasn’t lying.”

“Sure…” I said. I watched as the last stragglers got off the bus, followed by Garrett and Bernie. “And those two?”

“These two just wanted a nice bus trip, right babe?” Bernie said, looking at Garrett.

Babe?There was definitely something going on with them. But with my own…weird start to a relationship with Nathan, I didn’t want to pry. I looked down at the ring on Nathan’s hand where it rested on the back of Noel’s wheelchair. I was waiting for him to ask me about what we did with the engagement ring now. I didn’t want him to, though. I liked looking at that ring where it sat.

“Ready to climb a mountain?” Garrett asked.

I smiled. “Noel is helping me get some strength training in, I’ll be pushing him most of the way up.”

“Nonsense. Lads!” Garrett called over to two of the boys. “Help this wonderful gentleman up the hill, will you?”

Two of the bigger rugby lads ran over and held out hands for a high-five from Noel. Within seconds, they were whisking him away from us. Bernie made a beeline for Nathan and grabbed him by the left arm. Suddenly I was in between Garrett and Pete at the rear of the pack and I realised I’d been swindled into a conversation I wasn’t sure I was ready to have.

“This better not be another intervention,” I said. “Because if you wanted to do that you should’ve invited Rhys and Callum. They’re experts now.”

“Not quite,” laughed Pete. We walked up the hill in silence for a couple of minutes. It was a warm day and my brow was getting moist, but it wasn’t all that exerting. And somehow, I could see the two lads who’d taken responsibility for Noel leading the pack ahead. Somewhere in the middle of all the rowdy rugby players was Nathan, pink hair flashing in the sun. I couldn’t imagine him being so comfortable in amongst all of that just a couple of months ago, but he always seemed at ease around Bernie.

“Are you happy, Finn?” asked Garrett after another few minutes.

“You know what? For the first time in a while, I really am,” I said. “I’m enjoying my job that pays me peanuts, I have a wonderful…” I hesitated, “…Nathan. And I’m feeling for the first time ever like I’m not playing to someone else’s fiddle.”

“Ah. Great.” Pete said from my other side. He didn’t sound totally thrilled that i was happy.

“What Pete means to say is, you’re missed,” said Garrett. “You needed your time off. We let you take it. But we know what we’re missing.”

“And we is…”

“Cardiff. And Wales. We want you back in the game.” Pete was quick and to the point, and I appreciated it.

My whole world-view as to what was important had shifted in the space of a few weeks. But I still felt the echo of hurt in what I said next. “No.”

“No?” asked Garrett. “What do you mean,No?”

“I mean…no,” I said. “I spent so long running to get away from home and fucking hell, there’s a big part of me that wants to get out in front of the crowds at the Millennium Stadium again. But I really fucking suffered out there on the field some days. And some days, it wasn’t even suffering. Rugby made me feel so high I felt indestructible. And then I got home and I drank, or I fucked, or I did something destructive just to bring me back down to Earth. High or low, rugbyfucked me up. And I’ve found something I enjoy now. I love coaching the boys. I love being an actual positive role model for the first time in my life, and I love coming home to Nathan and helping him pack figures from obscure Romanian sci-fi shows I can’t even pronounce. So it makes the thought of going out onto the field, breaking myself every week and expecting that gorgeous man to fix me every single week difficult. I have put him through enough.”

“Well that’s good,” said Garrett. “Because it makes the bigger part of our offer even easier to put to you. We’ve seen you coach and we’ve seen you play. I saw those lads on the field give you more respect than they give the ref. So maybe give some thought to the fact that we would like you to be a positive role model in Cardiff too. Come and learn from the coaching staff, get a formal coaching qualification with Cardiff. And if you want a few games to keep yourself sharp, no pressure. You can do that. But this deal is about us doing what we can for you and you doing what you want for us. And in time, if you’re half the coach we think you are…well, neither of us is going to live forever.”

I stopped, and both of them stopped with me. For a few seconds, I was just looking for that bright pink hair in amongst the crowd. I wanted to know my little fantasy man was close, to anchor me in reality. “I…need time to think,” I said. “It sounds…fucking amazing, if I’m honest. But it’s a lot. I need to talk to my…my Nathan.”

“Well…” started Pete, but Garrett put a hand out to stop him I could see why Pete had brought Garrett along. Pete wasn’t exactly diplomatic. Garrett hadn’t been either, last time he’d coached me. But I sensed that something or someone had punctured that rough exterior.

“Take all the time you need,” said Garrett. “We want you, and we can wait if that means having you fully on board.”

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