Page 38 of Brat on the Ball

I understood, but that didn’t make the heartbreak any less real. George wasn’t breaking up with me, but in giving me this time to myself, I could feel the weight of the ultimatum above my head. I needed to come out at some point, and he needed to know that it would happen.

“I will be back,” I choked out as I pulled myself away from him completely. “I will decide. And I will make you proud.”

Then I left his flat with my head held high, wondering already if I had promised too much in the name of love.

Chapter Twenty - George

It felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders again. I hadn’t realised just how much of an influence Ollie had had on my outlook on life, and it hurt to feel like I’d lost him.

I was in the training gym, and using the punch bag for the first time in years. I wore padded gloves like an MMA fighter, and the little sting on my knuckles with every hit was keeping me focused. It felt like the outlet I needed in the moment, and I knew that in Saturday’s rugby match I was going to be deadly. Woe betide any bastard who tried getting past me.

“Are you fighting that bag, or eye-fucking it?” asked Finn. I glared at him, so he walked around to stabilise it and stop it from swinging away so much. “Go on. Give it your fucking worst. Get all those feelings out.”

So I did. “Fuck…homophobia,” I said with gritted teeth between hard punches. “Fuck…love. Fuck…that people feel they need to hide.”

“Go on, big boy. Get it all out,” said Finn gently.

“I’m just…so…fucking angry about it all! Why can’t he be who he needs to be?”

“Well. That seems pretty rough, bud.” Finn let go on the bag as I stepped back, panting. “What did you do?”

“Asked him to come out,” I said.

“Woah, man. You of all people know that’s his choice.”

“I know!” I stepped forward to give the bag a good hit again. “But I know my limits, too. So I just asked that he tell me when he plans on doing it. And he doesn’t know. So I’m giving him time.”

“And you both want him to have this time?” Finn asked.

“That’s not quite how I’d put it.”

“Right. So how would you put it?”

“I’m in love with a man who has plans to come out one day, but no idea when. I need that clarity, Finn. I can’t just keep him locked in my flat forever. Now I’ve got a taste of what it is to be with someone like Ollie…I can’t keep this relationship in the closet.”

Finn hesitated before answering. “I think you did the right thing, actually.”

“Well, it’s a Christmas miracle,” I muttered. I sat back down on the hard carpet and wiped the sweat from my forehead. “So what do I do next?”

“You wait, exactly as you just said. You let him decide and get back to you. And you support him, whatever that decision is.”

“When did you get so wise?” I asked.

“My fiancé is incredibly intelligent,” said Finn. “It rubbed off on me when he rubbed against me.”

“Oh, and Finn is back in the room.” I managed to crack a smile. “What do I do in the meantime?”

“You practise. You play rugby. You keep writing and studying. You keep yourself occupied,” said Finn. “That’s not wise Nathan advice, that’s Finn-the ex-alcoholic advice. It’s easy to put yourself into a hole.”

“And say I spent the last week finishing my dissertation and building up my blog because I suddenly had a lot more free time?” I asked.

“Seriously? You go on a break and the first thing you do iswrite? You are so lame,” said Finn.

“Thanks.” I got up. “Speaking of, I need to make a phone call. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Go on then, use and abuse me. I’m just a sounding board now. What happened to friendship?” Finn was still muttering as I closed the door behind me.

I made my way to the changing room and grabbed my phone from its cubbyhole. Before making the call I needed to make, I checked my texts. Nothing from Ollie. Though I was the one who had given him space, it still felt weird to not hear from him at all.

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