Page 26 of Full Service

“Mum, Gruff is straight. You’ve got one gay son and it’s certainly not him.”

“Well, nobody’s perfect. You’d do well to get yourself a man like Hywel,” Caroline said.

The room went quiet as Macsen and I looked at one another. We certainly weren’t together, we weren’t even friends…yet if she’d known what went on just a few days prior, she might not have dared say it.

“Just going to…use the toilet,” I said. Any way to break the tension. I got up from the table and practically ran up the stairs, closing the bathroom door behind me and breathing deep. What was I doing, pretending I was still friends with Gruff at the sametime I pretend I hardly knew Macsen? It was all kinds of fucked up. I splashed my face with water and dried off with a fluffy towel before leaving the bathroom.

And running right into Gruff, who was stood at the top of the landing waiting for me. “Excuse me,” I said, but he put a hand on my chest to stop me moving.

“What the fuck is going on with my brother?” he asked.

“Nothing. He’s fixing up my car, I’m in Hiraeth for Christmas.” I lied.

“And he gave you a lift here why?”

“I have no car, he was being nice.”

“Sure.” Gruff’s voice was loaded. “You fucked things up enough for him once. You better not do it again.”

And there it was. The reason we’d fallen out so long ago. A couple of nasty words from my mouth that had seemingly reinforced that Gruff was Caroline’s favourite child. And Gruff didn’t like that for his little brother at all.

He moved his arm to let me go and walked into the bathroom like nothing had happened, and I was free.

I walked down the stairs to find Caroline by herself scrubbing plates over the sink. I took a tea towel to help her dry them off and stacked them to one side. Out of the window I could see Macsen and his father leaning over a bed of winter shrubs, Mick pointing enthusiastically at them and Macsen doing his best to look interested.

“I’m so proud of my kids,” said Caroline. “Both of them. They’ve done so well despite everything. It made all our difficulties — moving here, learning Welsh, leaving our entire lives behind — worth it.”

“Macsen doesn’t see it,” I said without thinking.

“I know that. He thinks I’m not proud of him because I said some stupid things when he was a child. And I know I shouldn’thave, now. I’ve never been a perfect mother, but he still clings on to the worst of it.”

“Have you ever apologised?” I asked.

Caroline dropped a plate into the sink, causing a splash that wet some of the plates I’d already dried. When she picked up the plate to carry on washing, her hands were shaking. “I don’t know how,” she admitted. “The biggest difference between the two of them isn’t their education, or their careers. It’s that I understand how to approach Gruff, I understand how his mind works. With Mac I don’t know how he’ll react to anything. I don’t even know if he realises how he pushes others away.”

I wanted to agree with her, but I couldn’t without giving things away. I knew exactly what she meant. The man was a mystery wrapped in an enigma. “Sometimes all you have to do is be there,” I said.

The back door opened and Macsen and his father walked into the kitchen at the exact same time that Gruff rounded the bottom of the stairs. Had he been in the bathroom that long, or listening?

“Right then, let’s get things sorted,” said Caroline. Who’s having dessert? Or I can pour more wine…” and suddenly she was the same confident and attentive mother I’d always known. I looked around at the house again, so familiar but also co completely different. She had reason to be proud of everything she had done and everything her kids had done. I just hoped she would be able to let Macsen know.

Chapter Eight

Macsen

“Bye Mum, bye Dad.” I waved as Hywel and I reached the door. To my surprise, Mum pulled me into a crushing hug before I could leave.

“I’ll come and see you this week, OK?” she said.

“That would be nice.” I pulled away from the hug before she decided not to let go and jerked my head at Hywel to come with me. “Just giving him a lift back to his hotel,” I said. I didn’t know why I was explaining myself at twenty-six years old.

Both of us walked wordlessly to the car and pulled on our seatbelts. I turned on the heating to warm it up as it was getting cold.

“Well that was…” I said. Mum had been unusually attentive toward me after dinner, offering to fill my glass, asking if I wanted second helpings of anything, and then at the end offering to come and see me at work.

“Fun?” Hywel suggested. He had slumped in his seat completely, like he was letting go of all his tension at once. “Because I am not keen to do that again.”

I chuckled. “She’s given you a standing invite for Christmas dinner. Let’s not think about it. Let’s go get wasted.”

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