Page 49 of Full Service

It was only five minutes walk to the Lloyd residence but was cold enough that I stopped to pull on the hat, scarf and gloves. That and I wanted to show off the gift immediately. How odd it was that a month before I’d have been bragging about Brian buying me a new Rolex. It seemed like a lifetime ago now.

Macsen’s car was already just off the driveway when I got to the house. I felt my heart start to thud underneath all the heavy layers, and hesitated for a second before ringing the bell.

“I’ll get it!” came that deep masculine voice, muffled by the doorway. But then Macsen opened the door and took my breathaway. His eyes sparkled blue in the December light, his auburn hair looked like it had been rumpled but his beard was resolutely groomed. We smiled at each other like idiots.

We stood there, staring at one another for a second. I felt lost more than anything else. Like after a month of steadily easier companionship, sex that blew my mind and a slow understanding of one another, we stood at a precipice now. A family dinner when I had no idea what I was to him, or how to act.

His eyebrows crumpled when he took in my expression and I guessed the smile must have fallen off my face with all the thinking. Thinking was for another day. I was sure it was illegal to think on Christmas Day.

My eyes wandered downwards, away from his beautiful blue ones and lowered below the beautifully groomed russet beard. “Is that…?” I started, pointing directly at the jumper he was wearing.

“Oh, shut up,” he said. He grabbed my hand and for a second I thought he’d kiss me, but he pulled me into the house and shut the door behind me. “It was a present from Gruff,” he said as if it explained anything.

“That’s worse!” I said, following him into the warm and cosy kitchen/diner and shedding layers as I did so.

The jumper itself was bright red and knitted. On the front readJingle My Bells, I Like It.

“Are you insulting my Christmas jumper buying skills?” asked Gruff. He was laying out Christmas crackers on the table in his own garishly coloured Christmas jumper. It had a penguin on the front, which had been stuffed so that it protruded out from the jumper itself.

It was then I noticed Caroline and Mick - each of them were wearing Christmas jumpers too. Caroline’s saidTOPand Mick’s saidBottom.

“What the fuck am I missing here?” I asked quietly.

“Language,” Caroline admonished.

“I was told we were all buying each other funny Christmas jumpers,” said Macsen. “It was all very last minute for me but I managed to keep you involved.”

He handed me a wrapped package which I tore open quickly, hiding the front of the bright red Christmas jumper inside in case it was as rude as Caroline’s or Mick’s.

On the front of mine was a big black dog. Underneath, stitched into the jumper wasI’m not a pussy kind of guy.

“You are disgusting,” I said to Macsen as I pulled off the gorgeous jumper James had given me and replaced it with the one Macsen had.

“It’s from James, actually,” said Macsen. “He’s been knitting these rude ones and selling them online since about July. Quite the money earner I hear.”

“Well I’m glad he made an exception with ours,” said Caroline. “I know it’s funny to say I’m on top of the household but it’s not exactly rude. Unless it hurts Mick’s feelings, of course.”

Ah.I had to look down at the table in order to stop myself from laughing. I could feel Macsen’s shoulders shaking in close proximity to me as he held in his own laughter. When I finally had the courage to look up, Caroline was filling the glasses of wine on the table. Mick was stirring water into the stuffing on the kitchen countertop but I could see the tops of his ears had gone red. I got the feeling he might know more than he was letting on about the jumpers.

“Sorry I couldn’t get much this year. I’ll make up for it next year, I promise.” I handed Caroline the bottle of wine I’d wrapped in snowman wallpaper.

“Next year?” Macsen muttered as I took my seat. When I looked at him, one side of his mouth had quirked upward and Ifelt my cheeks heat. Yes, I was being way too presumptuous. So shoot me, it was Christmas. I was allowed to have hope.

Caroline smiled and took the wine away. Macsen, Gruff and I were all sat around the table and other than the sound of pots bubbling on the stove there was silence for a minute. How much had Gruff forgiven me? What did he know about Macsen and I? I looked guiltily between the two brothers for a second.

“Cracker?” Gruff asked after a minute. He was looking at me with a genuine smile so I took one end of the offered cracker. On my other side Macsen held one out. I pulled hard and somehow lost both.

“Typical,” I said. Macsen pulled out the little trinkets from his cracker and stuck the paper hat on me anyway.

“It’s Christmas,” he cautioned me when I reached up to take it off. So I left it on. It had been long enough since I’d last worn a Christmas cracker hat. Last Christmas I’d been in a gorgeous restaurant with Brian, ten courses of deconstructed vegetables and celeriac desserts. I hadn’t heard from him since I’d left, but after the first week I’d hardly given him a thought anyway. If he contacted me now, he could quite frankly fuck off. As Caroline brought over the massive gravy boat and a big tub of cauliflower cheese I knew exactly what I’d prefer.

We all dug into the dinner as soon as it was available. Caroline and Mick had piled up vegetables, turkey and all the trimmings in the middle of the table to take as we pleased. By the end of the meal I was massaging my rounding stomach. A couple of rounds of Christmas crackers had us all wearing party hats. When I looked over at Macsen, a couple of wines down, I wanted to smother him hugs and kisses. It was ridiculous, being this interested in a man and unwilling to take that final step. But it was a bloody scary final step. Especially with a man who kept himself so guarded. But every time I caught him smiling back atme, or he held up his wine glass for a toast, I thought I saw the same look in his eye.

“Dessert?” Caroline asked. She pointed to the selection of Christmas pudding, pavlova and heavy chocolate fudge cake on the counter, and every single one of us groaned in unison. “Maybe later then,” she said. She sounded almost disappointed even as she rubbed at her own stomach.

“Presents,” Mick said, seemingly to himself. And then he looked up at us all. “Let’s do presents. Can’t have Christmas without good presents.”

We all trouped to the living room, glasses of wine in tow. I grabbed the small bag, feeling inadequate when I saw that everyone had a small pile each. They’d even set aside a small pile for me. I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes with the generosity everyone had shown me on Christmas Day. It felt so undeserved.

---