Page 41 of Starlight & Dark Nights

Without thinking, Jude opens the cupboard and digs around behind the cans of soup and bottles of oil, vinegar, and corn syrup. She pulls out an unlabeled bottle that’s half-full of clear liquid and holds it up to the weak light that’s coming from the hood of the oven range.

It’s vodka. Without even opening the bottle, she can smell it. She can feel the way it burns her nostrils. She can taste it. Jude can imagine the sensation of vodka burning down the back of her throat and settling in her stomach, and she’s already anticipating the way it will ease her nerves and calm her brain.

All she needs to do is open it and put the bottle to her lips. Relief will be almost instantaneous.

Jude sits on the cool tile of the kitchen floor and puts her back against the cupboard as she holds the bottle. Rather than opening it and drinking, she holds it to her chest, feeling the cold glass against the skin between her breasts.

There had been a time, one morning when she and Catherine lived in that bungalow in Los Angeles, that she’d fallen asleep on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle in her hand. Catherine had come in around five in the morning after a night spent on a movie set, and Jude had awoken to the haze of the earliest morning sunlight, her eyes opening slowly to reveal a pair of feet and ankles that were blurry and out of focus.

“My god,” Catherine had said, dropping to her knees. She turned her head sideways, hands planted on the floor, as she looked into Jude’s eyes. “What happened here, Judy?”

Jude, who had always prided herself on her ability to keep her drinking under wraps, tried to lift her head from the floor. A severe pounding sensation curbed that desire and she laid her head back on the floor and closed her eyes. She moaned to herself.

“Judith,” Catherine said, putting a hand to her roommate’s shoulder and shaking her. “Hey, Judy. You have to wake up. You can’t just be here on this floor all day. There’s no way this is comfortable.”

Jude had given in then and done what she knew she had to, letting Catherine help her to a sitting position. Her head lolled slightly to one side as Catherine put an arm around her waist and slung Jude’s arm around her shoulders.

“Let’s get you to the tub,” Catherine said in short pants as she tried to heave her slightly larger friend up and around the house. She got Jude into the bathroom and then helped her sink carefully down to the floor so that she was sitting on the bathmat.

Catherine ran a hot bath and kept up a stream of conversation as the tub filled.

“Did you drink that whole bottle? Baby, you can’t do that. It’s not good for a woman to drink like that. It’s bad for your heart and your liver, not to mention your looks.” As she talked, Catherine gently pulled pieces of clothing off of Jude, leaving her sitting on the rug in just a pair of panties. Rather than covering her bare breasts with her arms, Jude had leaned her head back against the side of the porcelain tub and looked up at Catherine: glowing, angelic, beautiful Catherine, who was still wearing a full face of makeup, with her hair pinned into perfect waves.

“How come you didn’t go out last night and meet up with someone, Judy? Staying home and drinking alone is not good for a girl. If you’re feeling sad, you need to be around people.” Catherine got down to her knees again and looked right into Jude’s eyes. “I need you to take care of yourself. I care about you, and you should too.”

At these words, Jude felt her insides crumple. “I care about you too, Catherine. A lot.”

Catherine stood up and offered both hands, pulling Jude to her feet. She completely ignored the fact that her friend was naked once she peeled off her underwear, and instead put her hands on the back of Jude’s hips and guided her into the steaming bathtub.

“Step in, Judy. There you go. You’re going to get cleaned up here, and then I’ll get you into bed.” Catherine sat down next to the tub and reached for a chipped tea cup that she kept on the basin of the sink. She dipped it into the bathwater and poured it over Jude’s head, letting it stream over her temples as Jude slipped under the water and leaned back. “Let’s wash your hair and get you warmed up, and then you need to sleep this off,” Catherine said soothingly. “This needs to never happen again, do you hear me? It’s dangerous, and it’s not good for you.”

Jude let Catherine wash her hair gently, rubbing the shampoo into a lather. She kept her eyes closed as Catherine began to sing softly.

Once her hair was rinsed and her skin felt warm to the touch, Jude opened her eyes. Catherine was right there, leaning tiredly on the side of the tub as she sat next to it. Her eyes were open as she watched Jude.

“Thank you,” Jude whispered. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Catherine smiled, but there was sadness in her soft eyes. “You’re welcome, Judy. I’d do anything for you—you know that.”

It was only when Jude was back in her own bed, wearing a cotton nightgown and tucked beneath her covers, that she could say what she really meant to say.

Catherine stood in the doorway, hand on the light switch. “Get some sleep, Judy,” she whispered as the birds began to chirp outside the window. “Close your eyes.”

“I love you, Catherine,” Jude whispered, feeling the wetness gather in the corners of her eyes. “I really love you.”

But she wasn’t sure whether Catherine heard her or not, as the door clicked shut and she didn’t say another word.

Jude is still sitting against the cabinet with her eyes closed now as she recalls that evening. She’s holding the unlabeled bottle in her hand and she finally opens it. Jude closes her eyes again and puts the bottle to her lips. The alcohol touches her tongue and then she spits it back into the bottle and stands up to dump the liquid down the sink and rinse out the empty container.

She’s come too far to let a single memory throw her. She’s worked too hard to let a little emotional vulnerability do her in.

Jude shuts off the kitchen light and goes back to bed.

CHAPTER18

Jude

Being calledinto NASA for a sit-down with Arvin North is not Jude’s dream come true. In fact, the Tuesday after her dinner with the Bookers, she’s been summoned along with Jo, Frankie, Barbie, Carrie, and a few other wives she knows only in passing.

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