Page 10 of Across the Universe

"It most certainly did." Vicki pulls her bare feet up onto the couch and lounges on the armrest and the throw pillow as she aims her smoke away from Jeanie.

Jeanie exhales loudly. "Well, I do see him there at least once a week, and...there's something I never told you." She looks at her hands and not at Vicki. "A year ago, Bill and I kissed."

"Jeanette!" Vicki chuckles, impressed. "Oh, honey. I didnotsee that one coming."

"I shouldn't have even told you, but I feel like other people know, and it's getting into my head."

"How so?"

"Well, sometimes I walk into a room and the other women go quiet, or I feel them watching me. I just get the feeling that it's not as big of a secret as I think it is."

"Do you think Bill told anyone?"

"Oh, no. No way." Jeanie is certain of this. "He would never. It happened the night of the accident at NASA, and we were in a stairwell. Completely alone. I'm not sure how anyone could know about it."

Vicki takes a long, thoughtful drag on her cigarette. "Maybe it's just conjecture. Or maybe there was someone in the stairwell when you two walked in, and they were a floor up or down. Is that possible?"

A leaden feeling spreads through Jeanie's stomach and she bends forward at the waist, letting her forehead touch her knees. She groans. “God... I'm not sure. Maybe." She lifts her head reluctantly and turns to look at Vicki. "This is my career, Vick. My life. And I'm screwing it up over a married man? Who does that?"

Vicki is taking another drag on her cigarette and she tips her head from side to side as though she's considering this. "Well, I've known a gal or two..."

"Vicki," Jeanie says forcefully. "I'm acting like a whore. Do you think I'm trash?"

"Okay." Vicki sets her cigarette in the ashtray and scoots forward on the couch so that she and Jeanie are nearly touching shoulders. "First of all, let's not assume that ladies who choose to sell their wares are 'trash.' That's not very forward-thinking of us."

"You're right. I'm sorry." Jeanie holds up both hands. "I'll retract the 'whore' comment."

"But regardless," Vicki goes on, "you are not trash, princess. You are a beautiful, young, somewhat naive girl with an enormous heart. You're a romantic, and you've gotten a bit caught up in a situation that you aren't sure how to navigate. Is that all palatable so far?"

Jeanie puts her elbows on her knees and her hands over her mouth as she nods, eyes wide. "Yeah, that sounds right."

"You are not the first nor will you be the last woman who ever falls for the wrong guy." Here, Vicki lets out a laugh that ends up sounding like she's remembering something private. "And anyhow, it takes two to tango, babe. You know that."

"Sure," Jeanie agrees. "And some would say that he's the one at fault, but I haven't stopped talking to him at work. And we've tried being friends, going to The Black Hole for casual drinks. I just feel like..."

"Like it's not casual?"

Jeanie doesn't want to admit this, but Vicki is right. "Yeah. I feel like I'm playing with fire."

"Oh, you are." Vicki reaches over and rests a hand on the younger woman's back, rubbing in small, soothing circles. "You are most definitely playing with fire. But honey… if I were young and beautiful again," she says, sounding wistful. "I have to be honest with you—I’d probably do things I shouldn't do."

Jeanie looks at her with wonder. "Like kiss married men?"

Vicki shrugs. "Maybe. But mostly I'd realize what kind of power my beauty really held. I'd take it out for a drive, put the top down, and really push it to the max. See where it took me. When we're young women, the world holds us back. It tells us we're not pretty enough. That we don't deserve the things we have. It tells us not to appreciate our own beauty, and that anything we achieve is through luck, not hard work. It makes us act smaller than we are—don’t act small, Jeanie! Live big. Love big. Let your heart run wild."

Jeanie frowns. "It sounds like you're encouraging me to pursue something with Bill."

"Not at all! Don't misunderstand me here. All I'm saying is that youth and beauty are power, and you shouldn't tuck them away so as not to tempt a man. Keep living your life, and Bill Booker will decide for himself what he needs to do. No need to go after him, but hold your head high and understand that a kiss is just a kiss. If nothing else has happened, then move on and let him wrestle with the guilt that he has—it’s not your job to hold him accountable."

"That makes sense," Jeanie says slowly, though she really likes Jo Booker, and a part of her feels entirely responsible for anything that's gone on with Bill. She had the power tonotkiss him, tonotgo to The Black Hole with him, and to not think of him at all.

"I see that look on your face," Vicki says, pushing herself off the couch and standing tall. She stretches her arms over her head. "You're second-guessing everything I just said. Don't." Vicki leans over and puts a kiss on the crown of Jeanie's warm head. "I'm going to get some sleep, princess, because I got none last night. You, however, should get some sun."

Jeanie smiles up at Vicki, but it's a half-hearted smile. "You're right," she says. "I should."

And because Vicki is going to sleep and Jeanie can no longer run the vacuum, she changes into a one-piece suit and wanders down to the giant turquoise swimming pool in the center of the Sunny Tides Condominium Resort community. She chooses a chaise lounge in the sun and puts on her sunglasses as a group of gray-haired women stands around in the shallow end of the pool, fists on hips, gossiping.

Jeanie smiles at them and opensUp the Down Staircaseby Bel Kaufman. Within minutes, she is entirely engrossed in the feeling of the warm sun on her skin, the characters in her book, and the sounds of happy chatter and splashing water.

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