Page 16 of Across the Universe

“Understandable. How about we try something this week to see if you notice any difference?”

“Okay.” Bill is amenable to this; while he isn’t a huge fan of being forced to see a psychiatrist, he’s also not a fan of wasting his own time, so if there’s something that Dr. Sheinbaum thinks he can do, he’ll at least try it.

“I want you to, very intentionally, go to sleep at the same time each night this week, and rise at the same time, no matter what day it is. If you can’t sleep, rather than tossing and turning, I want you to get up and go sit in a dimly lit room. Stay quiet, and read something that isn’t overly stimulating. A history book or a newspaper article. Give yourself twenty or thirty minutes, and then go back to bed and try to sleep. Do you think you can do that?”

Bill nods. “I can. Sounds easy enough.”

“And if you’re in a situation where you feel that you’re about to be reminded of Korea, then I want you to pause wherever you are, and maybe find a place to sit down and do some steady, even, deep breathing. Count to four as you breathe in, hold the breath for four more counts, and then release for four. Do this until your heart rate slows, and if you can, realign your thinking as you do. Rather than whatever image is troubling you, replace it with a thought of your family. With your children’s faces. With something Jo said or did that made you particularly happy.”

“Like… re-train my brain?”

“Essentially, yes.” Dr. Sheinbaum nods eagerly. “There’s a scientist at the University of Pennsylvania who is using this method to great effect. He calls itcognitive-behavioral therapy, and it’s quite new, but patients are responding well to it.”

The idea of being at the forefront of something appeals to Bill, but, more importantly, the thought that he might control his thoughts, and these episodes, appeals to him more.

“Interesting,” he says. “This is all new to me.”

A slow smile spreads across Dr. Sheinbaum’s attractive face, and between them, Bill can sense an unspoken agreement: he’ll lower his guard a bit more each time they talk, and she’ll give him whatever help she can to make this prescribed therapy more beneficial to him on a personal level. The realization that their professional relationship can actually benefit him is a new thought for Bill, and it sits well with him. It really does. He loves efficiency, he loves making the puzzle pieces fit together, and he loves the idea of possibly avoiding future situations where dark thoughts ruin his day.

“So,” Dr. Sheinbaum says, her eyes twinkling with happiness. “We’ve made some progress today, Bill, and I really appreciate your candor. This week, I want you to try the sleeping thing, and also do the measured breathing any time you feel yourself escalating internally or having dark thoughts. And then we’ll discuss it next week.”

Bill isn’t entirely sure how they got from a discussion about Jo’s dreams to him divulging something that has always felt like it needed to be locked away and not shared, but it’s happened, and with it has come a sense of relief. A release from the chokehold that he feels whenever something reminds him of the war.

“Thank you,” he says, standing. His posture is as erect as it is when he’s talking to Arvin North, and he looks at Dr. Sheinbaum with fresh eyes: she is not the enemy across the table who he must only tolerate. Instead, she is a wise doctor who might be able to help him.

And all he had to do was let her in—just a little.

What a revelation.

* * *

The buzz of the lawnmower dies down as Bill turns it off. It’s Saturday morning, and the sun isn’t high in the sky yet. Jo is hanging the bedsheets on the line near the fence, and the kids are splashing in the pool already. The scene is idyllic, and Bill pauses for a moment, taking in the peaceful tableau.

“Bill?” Jo calls to him, startling him out of his thoughts. “Do you want to go to the beach later on? Maybe do a mini bonfire and roast some hotdogs with the kids?”

This suggestion nourishes the sense of goodwill that Bill is feeling and he smiles at his wife. “That would be nice,” he says and then turns to the pool, cupping his mouth with both hands. “Hey, kiddos!”

The splashing stops and Nancy, Jimmy, and Kate look at their father expectantly. “What do you say we hit the beach later on and roast some hotdogs there?”

There are whoops of joy from the pool. Bill and Jo smile at one another and she turns back to the clothesline.

Since his meeting with Dr. Sheinbaum on Tuesday, Bill has been doing precisely what she said to do: going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time. He’s had a couple of nights where sleep eluded him, and on those nights, he’s gone out to the pool and sat there in the dark, just watching the stars. It isn’t exactly reading in a dim room as Dr. Sheinbaum had suggested, but it is peaceful, and as he looks up at the moon, he practices the deep breathing exercise she gave him.

Bill pushes the lawnmower through the side gate and around the front of the house, where he repeats the process of starting it, pushing it across the grass until he has his lawn looking like a freshly cut head of hair, and then turning it off and listening to the motor whir to a stop. He puts it back in the garage and then finds a large broom to sweep the driveway.

It could be as simple as having a task (keeping reasonable sleep hours), or it could be as momentous as having a tool in his back pocket (the breathing exercise), but the week has gone smoothly for Bill. Work can be stressful, and it’s been particularly so in the past year, given the questions and investigations into the explosions of the Gemini three-man test mission in December of 1964, but even that has gone smoothly of late. Arvin North has checked in with him once a week to make sure that Bill is attending his meetings with Dr. Sheinbaum, and with her confirmation that he’s been making progress, Bill hasn’t had his work duties scaled back in any noticeable way.

But the fight was poor form on Bill’s part, and he still regrets it. In no way should he have lost his cool enough to punch the son of a senator, and in no universe was it okay for him to come unglued around Arvin North. Those are the facts, and those are Bill’s truths, but he understands he has more going on beneath the surface than just being upset by the way Ted Mackey had spoken about Jeanie Florence. Through his talks with Dr. Sheinbaum, he’s starting to see that Margaret’s death at Desert Sage, and even his dark moods that come on whenever he thinks about Korea, are factors in his everyday dealings with others. They’re even factors in his marriage and in how he interacts with his children. Those things are worth exploring.

Bill hangs the broom back on the wall of his garage and closes the door, admiring his Corvette in the driveway as he does.

This is a pleasant life, he thinks, feeling more self-satisfied than he has in a while.I’ve given my family something to be proud of here.

And he really has; their life in Minnesota had been nothing to sneeze at, but this house, this beach town, the opportunities that have come to the entire family because of his position at NASA—those are huge to Bill. They make him feel like a man and a provider, and that feels good.

His overall sense of pleasure lasts throughout the afternoon as the kids pitch in around the house, and as he kneels on the sand late in the afternoon, watching them kick a ball around by the water. Jo is sitting next to a cooler, taking out the things they’ll need for the beach barbecue, and for a moment, Bill wonders if they should have invited friends to join them.

But then Jo stands and comes to sit next to him, and he realizes that being alone with his family during this twilight hour is a gift that he wouldn’t want to miss.

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