Page 13 of The Cruise Club

‘And speaking of houses, did you hear about the two antennas that got married?’ Dicky quipped, ‘The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!’

When the laughter died down, Dicky stood before Don and Debbie.

‘But seriously, folks, this lovely couple are on the cruise for a very special occasion. It’s their wedding anniversary, and I’d like you all to join me in acknowledging their special day.’ Dicky turned to the band, who started to play, ‘Congratulations’.

‘Congratulations,’ Dicky said and leaned forward toshake Don’s hand and, moving several snakes to one side, kissed Debbie on her cheek.

Confident that Don was unlikely to upstage his act again, Dicky continued.

Three songs and many jokes later, he had the audience in the palm of his hand. Many wiped away happy tears while others clutched their stomachs and shook their heads, almost exhausted from laughing.

‘I’m going to close the show tonight with the result of our Greek-themed fancy dress competition,’ Dicky said. ‘Your entertainment director has been observing you all and has chosen a winner.’

Peter came forward and waved an envelope.

‘Let me tell you that it has been a tough decision,’ Dicky said, ‘and those who participated are to be applauded.’ He pursed his lips and frowned. ‘However, one or two have confused the theme of the evening, and to the gentleman wearing a sack…’ Dicky scanned the audience. ‘Where are you, sir? Ah, over there, on the sofa in the corner,’ Dicky spoke to an imaginary figure, ‘you’ve got the wrong night, but thanks for being a couch potato.’

Peter, beside Dicky, clapped at the joke then handed over the envelope.

‘For the lady standing in the corner looking lonely, don’t worry,’ Dicky smiled, ‘we all know that you’ve dressed as a wi-fi signal, and I’m sure someone will connect with you soon.’

Dicky slowly undid the seal on the envelope and pulled out a card and a drum roll began. ‘And the winners are… A toga-tastic twosome – Colin and Neeta!’

A round of applause rippled throughout the theatre as Colin and Neeta, hand in hand, hurried to the stage and Dicky exchanged words about their creative costumes.

‘Congratulations!’ Dicky beamed. ‘You’ve won a soothing and relaxing couple’s massage in our onboard spa.’

Colin and Neeta stood close together, their chemistry evident as Colin, with one arm around his wife, preened and tucked a thumb in his waistband, while Neeta, thrusting out her chest, flashed a length of thigh.

‘I see you’ve both got a pineapple motif on your belts?’ Dicky raised an eyebrow and, turning to the audience, winked. ‘And if I’m not mistaken, you’re wearing the pineapple upside down?’

Colin began to answer. ‘It’s part of our lifestyle,’ he said, but before he could continue, Peter, whose complexion had paled, rushed forward and grabbed the mic from Dicky’s hand.

‘Let’s congratulate them again,’ Peter said, ‘Colin and Neeta!’ He hastily hurried the couple away.

‘So that’s it for tonight, folks,’ Dicky said, ‘why don’t you all join in with me as I close the show.’ He moved about the stage and began to sing the words of ‘Sweet Caroline’, and in no time, everyone was singing along. ‘Goodnight, everyone!’ he called out.

With a final bow, to a standing ovation, Dicky left the stage.

Chapter Eight

Dawn broke to a beautiful day in Argostoli, and Carmen was up early, having checked on Betty, who was mercifully still asleep. Dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, Carmen slipped her feet into comfy trainers and crept out of her room to take a stroll around the ship before everyone was awake for breakfast.

Early morning exercise enthusiasts jogged past Carmen, and she stared as they went by. It had been years since Carmen had jogged, and as she strolled on the exercise deck, she remembered running cross-country at school, where treks over the Cumbrian fells were as torturous as the rest of her lessons.

Whenever she felt the need to improve her health, Carmen attended aerobics sessions in the Butterly Community Centre, and she’d even tried yoga. Walks with Slipper, her dad’s labrador, had been enjoyable but Slipper ascended to doggy heaven soon after her father died, and Betty had insisted they didn’t have another dog in the house. Other exercise was in the form of swimming, and Carmen escaped to the local pool whenever she could.

That morning, as the sky lightened into soft shades of pink and gold, Carmen felt a sudden surge of determination and, removing her glasses, she broke into a slow and gentle jog.

A passing jogger scowled, while another raised an eyebrow and stared curiously. It wasn’t until she reached halfway around the deck that Carmen paused and, replacing her glasses, noticed arrows pointing to the direction she’d come from, accompanied by the wording:Joggers, please run anticlockwise around the deck.

She’d been jogging in the wrong direction! There was a cruise ship etiquette that she’d been unaware of. Carmen felt foolish. Like the wi-fi signal the comedian had joked about – alone with no one to connect to. With her hands on her hips, feeling hot and sticky, she lowered her head to catch her breath.

Suddenly, a man came rushing by and, unaware of Carmen’s presence, collided with her, knocking her off balance and sending her spinning to the floor.

‘What on earth…’ He towered over Carmen and removed earbuds from his ears.

Carmen was winded and didn’t look up as she angrily replied, ‘But what wereyoudoing, careering along, not paying attention to where you were going?’