Page 33 of The Cruise Club

Sid knew that his idol, the Irish chef Theo McCarthy, was a guest speaker on the ship and one of the reasons Sid had looked forward to the cruise. For years, Sid had been enamoured with the lives of celebrity chefs who entertained the masses. It was the reason he’d sent Fran off to a cookery school in France to learn fancy skills. Under the watchful eye of a Michelin-starred chef, she’d enriched her cooking and transformed her endeavours, ultimately leading to their own culinary awards and accolades.

‘He looks like he’s been burning the candle at both ends, too,’ Fran commented.

‘The man’s a legend.’ Sid sighed.

‘Didn’t you tell me that Theo had recently lost his partner?’ Fran’s tone was one of concern.

‘It was over a year ago, Fran, keep up,’ Sid said. ‘It was in all the papers, Ruari was an actor in one of the TV soaps. He was the love of Theo’s life, and they say the chef hasn’t recovered.’

‘Lost his restaurant not long after, if I remember,’ Fran said.

‘Closed it down,’ Sid corrected. ‘But I’m relieved to see that he’s taking gigs like this and hope his sadness is lifting.’

Fran’s heart went out to Theo. Losing a partner must be one of life’s cruellest blows, and she couldn’t imagine being without Sid. They’d been together since they were teenagers, and despite never being blessed with the babies they longed for, she prayed there were many more years to romp happily down the road to the later years of their lives.

‘I can’t wait to hear his talk,’ Sid said as he watched Theo and Dicky leave the café, engrossed in conversation. ‘I’ve followed every episode ofMcCarthy’s Kitchen Adventuresover the years.’

The show was a nationwide hit and captivated audiences as the chef travelled globally. Fans followed his escapades and passion for great ingredients and fine wines. Theo McCarthy was known for his decadent ‘slurps’ both on and off-screen.

‘Well, you won’t have long to wait,’ Fran said as she gathered her things, ‘we’ve got a sea day in a couple of days when he’s sure to be on stage.’

Dicky and Theo moved through the ship until they came to the library. The pair had met at the purser’s welcome gathering when they’d joined the ship in Kefalonia, and now chose a quiet spot by the window. There wasn’t a soul to be seen, and the ship was almost deserted as passengers, keen to go ashore, headed off to discover the delights of the island of Rhodes.

Taking a seat, Theo rubbed his fingers through his tightly curled hair and began to massage his scalp. ‘Will you be off on a jaunt today?’ he asked.

‘I need some fresh air. It’s like a cell in my cabin,’ Dicky replied and wiped his brow. He thought of the relentless hum of engines that vibrated through the wall as he returned to his bed in the early hours that morning.

‘I need to clear my head too,’ Theo blinked.

‘That was some party…’

‘It wasn’t what I expected, that’s for sure.’

‘What were you expecting?’ Dicky turned to look at Theo.

‘I have no idea. I’d had one too many cocktails during the day, and I stumbled across the cabin when an American chap opened the door and invited me in.’

‘Ah, so you hadn’t noticed the universal sign?’

‘Not a clue, but I shall never look at a pineapple in quite the same way again.’

‘On a cruise ship, if you see a pineapple sign hung upside down on a cabin door, you know you’re in the right place.’ Dicky grinned.

‘Or, in my case, the wrong place.’ Theo shook his head. ‘I know that pineapples have a history of being a sign of wealth and hospitality, even good fortune, but I’d no idea they had a seductive association. It was my misfortune to stumble into the most unusual scene I’ve witnessed in years, and I’ve travelled the world,’ Theo added, and remembered his discomfort…

Navigating the dimly lit atmosphere, Theo, clearly the worst for wear, had entered Colin and Neeta’s suite. Instead of finding guests engaged in polite conversation and passing pleasantries, Theo’s eyes popped when he realised that he was considerably overdressed in chinos and a shirt as everyone in the suite was almost naked.

A tall, well-built man with a paunch and a Yorkshire accent introduced a rotund, reticent woman whose acres of wobbling pink flesh reminded Theo of his grandmother’s blancmange.

‘Ey up,’ the man had said, ‘are you a vanilla?’

Theo hadn’t a clue what was meant and wondered if he was about to be offered an ice cream. As he’d quickly turned away from the Yorkshire couple, Neeta’s nubile body pressed against him.

‘Welcome to the Upside-Down Pineapple Pensioner Club,’ she trilled, taking Theo’s hand and stroking his wrist. ‘Or UDPPC as we like to call it. Colin and I are the founders of this exclusive club. Why don’t you join in the fun?’ Leading Theo towards another room, she reached out to unbutton his shirt.

As he tried to unscramble the scene before him, Theo wondered if he was hallucinating. Had his drink been spiked? Geriatrics in all their glory rolled around on a king-sized bed, and Theo recognised a quiff of black hair. Was that Dicky Delaney buried beneath a mound of bodies and bumps?

‘We’re oldies but naughties,’ Neeta whispered, reaching for his belt.

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