Page 8 of The Cruise Club

Dicky Delaney was not a happy man. After checking in, the entertainer was dismayed to see that his allocated cabin was in the interior and provided no natural light. To his further dismay, he realised that it was situated within a short distance of the ship’s engines, which rumbled continuously. His accommodation was described as‘a compact space for travellers who require an economical, budget-friendly option.’Dicky was furious that he would have to endure the limited living arrangement throughout the cruise and was tempted to call Clive and insist that his agent arrange an upgrade. But the comedian knew that Clive’s response was likely to be abusive and end with the word ‘off!’

Dicky’s days of wrapping Clive around his little finger had ended. If he had any hope of continuing to work for a cruise line, the comedian would have to shut up and put up, as far as Clive was concerned.

‘Let’s hope my dressing room is an improvement,’ Dicky mumbled to his reflection in the minuscule mirror as he stood in the tiny bathroom space.

Following a quick wash and liberal application of a new aftershave he’d purchased at the airport, Dicky straightened his hair and changed into a clean shirt. He hung his belongings on a rail and picked up a copy of his autobiography. Tucking his key in his pocket, Dicky slammed the door and made his way through the ship.

As Dicky ascended the floors to the duty-free shopping area, his mood brightened.

Wandering through lounges, he smiled at relaxing guests,some taking afternoon tea while others strolled out to the sun decks to sit in the sunshine. Dicky felt at home amongst theDiamond Star’s mature, well-heeled clientele, noting with pleasure that one or two women were on their own. Mostly retired, widowed and wealthy, Dicky’s familiar stomping ground looked fruitful.

He stopped to talk to a couple who recognised the comedian from theDiamond Star Daily News.

‘Ey up!’ the man said with a broad Yorkshire accent. ‘You’ll be making us laugh later, I hope?’ He introduced himself and his wife as Don and Debbie from Halifax and told Dicky that they’d just joined the ship and were celebrating their wedding anniversary.

Pleased to make their acquaintance, Dicky congratulated the couple. ‘I’m on stage for the ten o’clock show; make sure to be in the front row and I’ll give you a shout out,’ Dicky said. ‘Thirty years married and still going strong?’ he asked. ‘They say patience is a virtue, so you two must be saints by now.’

As Don and Debbie moved away, Dicky heard Don mutter that he hoped Dicky’s jokes improved for the show that night.

In the gift shop, Dicky paused at the entrance. Searching for copies of his book, he bit his lip as he realised there were none to be seen. An author by the name of Ruskin Reeve was showcased and stacks of his latest release dominated the bookshelves. The glossy covers faced outwards to catch passenger’s eyes and a large poster featuring the author’s smiling face announced:

Meet Bestselling Author Ruskin Reeve

Here on theDiamond Star!

Dicky marched over to an assistant, who was arranging a display of novelty items.

‘Can I help?’ the assistant asked and stroked the dorsal fin of Danny the Diamond Star Dolphin before placing the torpedo-shaped gift neatly on a shelf.

Noting the badge on the assistant’s jacket, Dicky said, ‘Hello, Jason.’

‘Welcome aboard.’ Jason touched his neatly styled hair as he looked Dicky up and down. ‘How can I make your shopping experience sparkle today?’ Without pausing for an answer, Jason continued. ‘I can recommend the best cruise souvenirs and accessories, advise on the best spots for sunset views and know all of the ship’s amenities.’ He wrinkled his nose and sniffed at Dicky’s aftershave. ‘I can also recommend a decent fragrance.’

Dicky stood back.

Raising a well-groomed eyebrow, Jason pursed his lips. ‘What’s your pleasure?’

‘My pleasure would be for you to find the stock of this book and make a decent display.’ He held up his copy ofMy Life in Showbusiness.

‘Ah, a comedian,’ Jason sniffed and taking the book, flicked through the pages, ‘but we already have a display for Ruskin Reeve.’

Dicky drew himself up. ‘I’m the main act on this cruise and my book needs to be on those shelves.’ He nodded and a quiff of hair fell forward. ‘Where are they?’

‘There’s boxes of them in the back but I haven’t put them out yet.’ Jason folded his arms. ‘Has anyone ever told you that you have a look of Elvis?’ he asked, then added, ‘In his later years.’

Dicky folded his arms and was tempted to return Jason’s insult but knowing that he needed the assistant on his side, remained silent.

‘Is this copy for me?’ Jason asked with a cheeky smile.

‘It might be,’ Dicky said and wondered what he had to do to get Jason to promote his book. Lowering his voice and checking that no one else was in the shop, he said, ‘How about I sign it for you, and you move Ruskin Reeve’s books to one side and put mine out. Depending on my sales, I’ll make sure it’s worth your while?’

‘You got it,’ Jason handed the book back to Dicky.

Dicky reached for a pen and signed his name.

‘Won’t you buy a Danny the Dolphin?’ Jason reached for the novelty gift.

‘Maybe later.’ Dicky shrugged and felt relieved when an elderly couple came into the shop and made a beeline for the dolphin display.

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