Page 114 of Written By a Woman

I brushed my knuckles against the back of his arm in support, because we were at work, waving bye to Jamie and Mary who continued to their departments of the building.

Zaid wrapped me in a one-arm hug, whispering, “I love you,” into my hair before he released me and made his way toward his own office, probably also preparing for his talk with Brandon about changing positions or quitting.

I inhaled a breath to calm my nerves as I settled my things at my desk, including the little snake plant that Zaid had gifted me all those months ago.

Finally, after sitting at my desk for thirty more minutes and not seeing Jacqueline walk through the elevators, I decided to bite the bullet and go to her office directly.

I knocked on Zaid’s office door twice when I saw that it was cracked open, for good luck and definitelynotto delay this conversation before I approached Jacqueline’s office next. I gently rapped my knuckles on the wood, before slowly opening her door a little wider and peeking my head in.

Jacqueline was at her desk, her earbuds in her ears as her head jerked up towards me. She sat straighter in her seat and said, “Signe.”

“Hi, Jacqueline.” I waved awkwardly, pointing to the seat in front of her desk, “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Jacqueline stood from her chair, brushing the wrinkles out of her skirt and patting her hair to ensure her bun was in place. I felt so nervous, and I hated it. I liked Jacqueline, but I was embarrassed to be this kind of person in front of her. She intimidated me.

“I was wondering, um,” I tugged on the sleeves of my sweatshirt, “If I could maybe keep my job here?”

Jacqueline was nodding her head before I even finished my sentence, making my eyes widen in surprise, “Your position is yours, Signe. Don’t worry about it.” She waved her hand away as if the issue of me writing smut about the CTO of Sun Steer wasn’t something to concern herself with.

“Oh,” I exhaled a relieved sigh, “Thank you so much. I’m so sorry about all of this. For putting you in the position I did. I…I’m just so sorry.” I shrugged and folded my arms, not knowing what else to say to her.

Jacqueline nodded once and swallowed, before turning her head to stare at one of the indoor potted trees on the side of the room. She fidgeted with her fingers, lacing them together repeatedly as she stared at the plant.

It wasn’t a dismissal, it looked like Jacqueline was working herself up to say something.

So, I waited, and within a few tense moments, it happened.

“I listen to trash music,” Jacqueline finally spoke, making me blink my eyes at her in surprise.

“What?”

“Trash music. Specifically, from the early two thousands,” Jacqueline’s shoulders dropped as she removed her glasses and rubbed her brow with her fingers, “Music you’d hear in like, a club or a rave from twenty years ago. Music with no real deep meaning, just, I don’t know, vibes.” She looked both embarrassed and defeated as she said this to me. I stared at her, giving her confession air to breathe while also wondering why this was even a confession.

“…I…like trash music too?” I ended up replying.

Jacqueline’s dark eyes turned to meet mine, and I gave her a reassuring smile.

She looked hesitant, and I realized that I had no idea who Jacqueline was or what she had to deal with to get to where she was.

“A lot of people hate on artists like Lady Gaga, Kesha, and their early music that made them popular,” I lifted a shoulder as I spoke, watching one single stray tear fall from Jacqueline’s eye as she quickly wiped it away, “But we all know the words, right? We all get that adrenaline rush when the music others deem ‘trash’ comes on.”

Jacqueline sniffed and nodded in agreement, “Nobody takes it seriously.”

“And nobody is asking them to,” I stepped towards her, “But people—mostly men—love to find any excuse to tear down and invalidate something universally loved by women, right? Especially if that woman is in a position of superiority over them.”

Jacqueline’s lip wobbled, before she inhaled a shaky breath, “I know it’s silly to be so weird about it.” Her voice shook as she tried to control herself, another tear falling, “But it’s so hard to be taken seriously in this industry, to earn the respect of my coworkers. To not be brushed off as someone just feeling emotional or ridiculous because I’m a woman.” Jacqueline dropped her head in both of her hands, a soft sob erupting from her body as her shoulders hunched, and I closed the distance between the two of us so I could wrap her up in a tight hug, feeling her body shake as she struggled to contain another sob.

“You don’t need to earn my respect, Jacqueline,” I felt my own tear fall down my cheek, my heart breaking for this woman who I have judged for being so stiff and rigid and unfeeling, “You don’t need to earn the respect of anyone. If people aren’t willing to take you seriously or appreciate every part of you, they don’t deserve your energy.”

Jacqueline sniffed, her hands wiping away at her eyes while still wrapped up in my hug, “I…I do like working here. I like how friendly everyone is with each other,” she inhaled another shaky breath, before pulling back from my hug and desperately wiping away at the mascara running down her cheeks, “I’m so sorry I went to Zaid first, Signe. I want to be your friend. I just…I’msobad at being friends with women.”

I laughed a little, wiping away my own tears because I was hopeless. If someone cried in front of me, I was going to cry in front of them, too.

“There’s no rulebook to follow, unfortunately,” I sniffed, squeezing her shoulders before brushing my thumb under her eye to wipe away a smudge of mascara that she missed.

“I wish there was,” Jacqueline’s shoulders slumped, a self-deprecating laugh escaping her lips, “It would make things easier.”

“How about, going forward,” I pulled her into a hug again, and this time she wrapped her arms around me too, “We just talk to each other when we aren’t sure where we stand with the other, yeah?”

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