Page 19 of Melted by a Man

“You’re not a problem, Jacqueline,” Mariam reminded me, “You’re a human who is learning andwillingto learn. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Now, how have things been at work since those two discussions?”

I winced, “Awkward.”

“Why?” Mariam pulled out her iPad and started jotting down notes. Or doodling. I had no idea what she did on that thing during our sessions. She could be playing games for all I knew.

“Because…” I inhaled a deep breath to get it out, “I feel like everyone’s walking on eggshells around me now. It’s been a week since Leo apologized to me and I was rude back to him. Usually, if I reprimand him for being inappropriate in the office, he bounces back and still smiles all the time and tries to joke around with me. But it’s almost like…I don’t know, he’s been avoiding me.”

Mariam nodded, giving me a thoughtful expression while she let me marinate in that for a few moments. Finally, she spoke up again.

“My job is an interesting one,” Mariam started, “Usually, I have a client in here and they tell me these stories of how everyone else around them is the problem. Everyone else around them is rude, inconsiderate, or problematic. It takes a lot of work for someone in my position to find the truth. The reality is, that there are always two sides to every story. No matter what. My clients aren’t always the most reliable narrators, because our brains instinctively try to protect ourselves from the part of us that feels shame, embarrassment, whatever else,” Mariam waved her hand in the air at the end of that sentence, before settling in and focusing back on me, “What makes you one of my favorite clients is,” my lips twitched with humor at her words, “that you’re in here, recalling conversations you had at work, and you’re doing so in a way that makes me think you are more self-aware than you give yourself credit for. You’re not afraid to admit when you’re wrong.”

I frowned, “I didn’t think I was wrong in the moment, though.”

“Fight, flight, or freeze are all normal responses, Jacqueline,” Mariam shrugged as she pushed her purple glasses up her nose, “You just happened to cycle through all three. You fought in the moment, during the conversation. Attempting to protect yourself by pointing an accusing finger at someone like Leo. But when you realized you misjudged the conversation, you froze and stayed away. Now, enough time has passed that I’d argue you’re engaging with flight through avoidance.”

I blinked at her, “I…I am?”

Mariam held back a giggle of some kind while she nodded her head at me, “Since I’ve started seeing you, you’re quicker to apologize. Admit fault and responsibility for a tense situation. Willing to go out of your way to improve…but you haven’t done that with Leo. Why?”

I frowned, “It’s weird with Leo.”

“Because you slept together?”

“Obviously.”

“Ah,” Mariam nodded, “So because you two slept together before he started working at your company, he doesn’t deserve an apology from you when you assumed the worst in him?”

I widened my eyes but kept my frown in place, “I didn’t assume theworstin him.”

Mariam gave me a look, before lifting her iPad and scrolling a bit. When she reached the part of her screen she wanted, she cleared her throat and said, “Leo asked something along the lines of ‘why would I want to embarrass you’ and you responded with ‘why does a man ever want to embarrass a woman’ and then he walked out, angrily.”

I nodded, “Yeah, that’s right.”

Mariam sighed, “If I was Leo, and I was apologizing to you for accidentally referring to our hook-up in the office, and you implied that I was lumped in with the kind of men who get off on belittling women, I would be very offended by that question.”

My frown loosened, guilt filling my stomach, “You would?”

“Yes,” Mariam set her iPad back on her lap, “Let me ask you this. Do you want to change the environment you’re feeling at work right now? The feeling that you’re being avoided or that people are walking on eggshells around you?”

I nodded, “Yes. I want things to go back to normal—well, relatively normal. I don’t think I need to be best friends with Leo or anything.”

“That’s fair,” Mariam lifted a shoulder, “You don’t need to be best friends with someone for them to deserve an apology, though.”

My eyes started to water, my nose started to burn and my throat constricted as if it was closing up. A large rock formed at the base of it, making it feel like I was about to start suffocating. I closed my eyes and focused on calming my body, just like Mariam had instructed me to do many times before.

She stayed quiet, giving me space to calm my anxious heart. The lump in my throat slowly started to shrink, and the burning in my nose was starting to simmer, able to be sniffed away. A tear escaped one of my eyes, and I wiped it off with my fingers.

Finally, I took another deep breath and asked, “How would you suggest is the best way for me to apologize to him?”

* * *

The next dayI found myself standing outside of Leo Turner’s office. I was wearing my work jeans, my canvas sneakers, and a cream button-up shirt that was a size too big for me. It was looser, and comfier this way. I needed my comfiest work clothes to prepare for this. I even wore my hair half up and half down, in an attempt to look more friendly. Non-threatening. Less like the uptight Human Resources representative that everyone saw me as.

The morning started off unusual, which didn’t help my nerves. I felt safe with routines and predictability. So when I entered the office to loud music playing on the overhead speakers and Leo Turner dancing on top of a clump of desks, needless to say, my morning routine was disrupted.

Employees from all departments of the office gathered around, laughing, cheering, and holding up their cell phones to record the CTO of Sun Steer as he twerked and sang along with the song.

It was “Club Can’t Handle Me” byFlo Rida and David Guetta.

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