Page 83 of Melted by a Man

“The brain is a sexual organ?” I asked.

“Especially for women,” Mariam nodded, “I’d argue the most important, before the clit.”

I widened my eyes, “Wow…”

“I know,” Mariam settled in her chair again, tucking one of her legs underneath herself, “Buckle up, because I’m about to get kind of preachy.”

I glanced around myself, still self-swaddled in her fuzzy throw blanket while completely sunken into the couch. I didn’t move a muscle before I looked back at her and said, “Okay.”

“Before I continue, you need to understand that I do not subscribe to traditional gender roles or any idea that men are genetically superior to women. I believe doing away with the ‘men are physical and women are emotional’ mentality would solve a lot of problems in modern society,” Mariam waited for me to nod again before continuing, “That being said, there are scientific, biological reasons why men and women’s sex drives differ.

“For example, every single time a man ejaculates, he can get a woman pregnant—don’t make that face, I’m not sayingyouare going to get pregnant,” I laughed at how quickly she called me out on my grimace, knowing how I was purposefully child-free. She waited for me to recover before continuing, “Women, however, can only get pregnant once a month. Her fertile window is mere days, during ovulation. Usually, ovulation is when women get the horniest, right?”

“Right.” I knew exactly when I ovulated. The last time I realized I was ovulating was a morning before work because I nearly whimpered at the sight of Leo dismounting his bike and removing his helmet. As he ran his fingers through his hair to fix it, I wondered if I should bail before entering the building, call in sick for the day, and go home to use my vibrator. He reminded me of every bad boy in any movie ever, even though I knew he wasn’t at all. But then I remembered how he punched Vincent in the face immediately upon meeting him, and I was a goner. I was distracted by the memories of us being intimate together all day. So, near the end of the workday, I texted him, and he came over to my apartment for the next three days in a row.

“So, knowing that, it stands to reason that women wouldn’t be fully aroused nearly as often as men, right?” Mariam asked.

“Yeah…but regardless, I’ve always been able to orgasm with Leo. He’s theonlyone I’ve been able to orgasm with, for whatever reason. I just, I don’t know…it’s been nice feeling like a normal, healthy, sexually functioning woman for the first time in my life. I don’t want to lose that.”

“I doubt you will,” Mariam raised a shoulder, “You’re stressed. You have something unsettling going on at work. You’re opening up and being more vulnerable with Leo. You’re probably not even ovulating.”

I shook my head, “My period started this morning.”

“See?” Mariam smiled, “When I’m going through my luteal phase, I’m the farthest from aroused. My wife knows I’m pretty much closed for business for that week.”

“Really?” I widened my eyes, suddenly desperate for more information. I didn’t have sisters, my mother died when I was young, and my father was never interested in his children. Once we turned eighteen, my dad started living part-time on whatever cruise struck his fancy. Marco was all I had, which was nice…but he was a man. I didn’t have women in my life to talk about this kind of stuff with.

The closest thing I had was Signe, Mary, and Jamie. But our brunch conversations never seemed like the place for me to ask, “Hey, so do any of you have difficulty orgasming? What do you do to help with that?”

“So I understand why this freaked you out,” Mariam continued, “You went from never orgasming with a partner, to suddenly becoming an orgasmingqueenwith Leo. Your confidence was up, your skin was clearer, colors were more vibrant—”

I snorted at her description, “That’s a little dramatic, but yeah, I see what you’re saying.”

“But please, please don’t get so worried prematurely. If this continues to be a problem, then maybe you can talk with your doctor to have your hormone levels tested. In the meantime, I think Leo had the right idea.”

I furrowed my brows, “What was his idea?”

Mariam smiled, “He tried to take the pressure off of you.”

Huh, “Yeah, I guess he did.”

“He didn’t make you feel bad for not finishing,” Mariam lifted her hand to start listing items off of each of her fingers, “He validated your feelings without making you feel like you had to get him off, instead. He stayed to eat dinner and watch TV with you. He didn’t try to start things up again after some time had passed, either. He respected your body’s boundaries and kissed you goodbye like normal. Have you two spoken since then?”

I nodded, “…He’s sent me some funny memes. And we’ve been sending each other songs back and forth—he always wants to know what I’m listening to at work….I guess we’ve acted how we normally act at the office.”

Mariam raised her eyebrows, “So he’s not upset with you or ghosting you over this?”

I shook my head, “No, he hasn’t given me that impression at all.”

Mariam lifted a shoulder, “All I am saying is, unfortunately—though it may have felt like that for a while—there is no such thing as a magic dick. Our brain still dictates our libido most of the time.” She lifted her pencil to point to her head of curls, “Give yourself time to be stressed over work, and try again with Leo another time. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Continue communicating your needs to Leo like the confident, sexual, badass woman you are.”

My cheeks blushed with the compliment, and a nervous smile tugged on my lips as I replied, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Mariam nodded, lowering her gaze back to her iPad as she retrieved her pencil, “…Perhaps you should let Leo know how you’re feeling about all this, too.”

I shook my head, “That’s embarrassing.”

Mariam lifted a shoulder, “You already cried with him. I’m sure talking about it more in-depth would be fine.”

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