Page 89 of Melted by a Man

I furrowed my brows, “What made you stop taking it?”

“I didn’t have the problem anymore,” Leo lifted a shoulder, “That first wank where I was able to finish felt like exhaling for the first time that year.” I laughed, and he grinned at my reaction, “But now I know that if I struggle with it again, that I can go back to my doctor and discuss getting back on testosterone to try to help.”

The next words out of my mouth didn’t feel like mine, they felt like Signe Lange’s. Something she would say. Perhaps I even heard her say it before, which was why it felt so natural for me to respond with them.

“And that’s gender-affirming care,” I smiled at my plate, dragging my fork along the outer edge of my noodles, before adding, “My therapist also suggested seeing a doctor, but she thinks that I’m just stressed about work.”

“What’s going on?” Leo’s brows pinched, and again, I was floored by the sincerity of his concern. Every time he asked me anything, it felt like a very intentional question. He asked because he was interested, and he cared.

I wasn’t sure how to deal with a man (who wasn’t my twin brother) genuinely, sincerely, caring about me and my woes.

“Brandon sent me a cryptic email about meeting with him next week and…” I frowned, “I know logically that it’s probably nothing. I understand that he has given me no reason to think that he’s disappointed in me or wants to fire me. But…my brain doesn’t care. My gut doesn’t care.”

Leo was quiet for a moment, before reaching his hand over and squeezing my thigh with his long fingers, “That would stress me out too.”

I looked up at him and did my best to give him a reassuring smile, but it wobbled.

“There was a while where I felt like I was just surviving,” his long fingers pressed into the meat of my thigh, tightening his grip, “After leaving my ex, I kind of became a shell. This person who put everything into her job, a job that I loved. I was so grateful to get hired at Sun Steer. I was slowly starting to make friends with other women in the office, which is really difficult for someone as odd as me.”

“You’re not odd,” Leo interrupted.

I shook my head once, “I’m odd. I’m cold, closed off, borderline rude, and bad at navigating social interactions the moment they’re happening. It’s okay, I’m at peace with these aspects of myself.” I lifted my eyes to lock onto his icy blue ones, “I know that it’s something I’ll actively have to struggle with the rest of my life. I know that I need to be more cautious about the expressions I make and the words I use, and I was doing well for a while.” I inhaled a shaky breath before pressuring myself to continue, “So well, that I thought it was time for me to explore my sexuality without the pressure of a boyfriend…”

Leo was silent, his eyes locked on mine as he waited for me.

“…You were the first person I felt safe and comfortable with to ask for what I wanted,” I bit my lip, “And then you got hired, as you should have. You’re great at your job. But I didn’t know how to blend those two aspects of my life. You’ve seen me at my most vulnerable moments, Leo.” I shook my head once, “I wasn’t prepared, and I handled it horribly.”

Leo shook his head, “You’ve already apologized for that.”

“Yeah, but,” I pinched the bridge of my nose, the sting of tears threatening my eyes once again, “Not being able to orgasm last time made me feel so disappointed in myself. I was embarrassed and felt ashamed. I thought I had been improving, but according to my therapist, there’s no such thing as a magic dick after all. My big fat brain will still keep me from crossing over that edge if it deems me too stressed to do so.”

Leo didn’t chuckle or laugh at the magic dick mention again, which made me lift my gaze to the ceiling, a tightening in my chest was starting again and I desperately didn’t want to cry in front of him for the second time this week.

But he didn’t care.

As soon as I squeezed my eyes closed, desperate to hold the tears in, the heat of his embrace enveloped me. His arms wrapped around my torso, tugging my body into his as if I needed to accept my fate. Leo’s mouth was on the top of my head, gently shushing and murmuring words of encouragement as I allowed a few tears to drip down my cheeks.

“You’re allowed to be stressed, Jacqueline,” Leo mumbled into my hair, squeezing me tighter as a soft sob escaped my lips, “You are not some orgasming robot. You’re a human, with a beautiful brain and a beautiful personality. I don’t need sex with completion to enjoy your company. I enjoy being with you, just like this.”

I laughed through another sob, “You don’t need to lie.”

“I’m not lying,” Leo squeezed me again, shifting his lips a little lower so they fell near my temple, “I’m here, eating dinner with you, instead of playing a new Lord of the Rings card game with Mary and Jamie. Because I would rather spend my evening talking to you, learning more about you, and discovering what is going on inside your brilliant mind.”

I sobbed a laugh again, and he pressed his lips against my head before asking, “What is it, love?”

“It’s just—” I cut myself off to swipe my hands under my eyes, still wrapped up snug in his embrace, “—you aresonerdy, oh my god.” I laughed again, and Leo scoffed.

Without warning, I was lifted off of my barstool, his arms holding me around my torso as he practically dragged me to my living room. I was laughing still, unbothered when the couch cushions hit my back and Leo’s warmth blanketed my front.

His fingers went to my sides, and I squealed.

“You think you can make fun of me, Jacqueline?” Leo was grinning wide, but it was hard to keep his joyful expression in my vision. I was very ticklish, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to focus on playfully fighting against him, “I was a Tolkien-obsessed, queer boy raised by two mums in South London. Nothing can get to me.”

I squealed as his fingers found the inside of my thighs, “Leo!”

“I’m perfectly confident with my hobbies and interests,” Leo continued, successfully trapping my legs underneath him so he could continue his playful assault, “I may be a nerd, but I’m still the one who gets to spend most of his evenings between these lovely legs of yours.”

“Jesus,” I wheezed, giggling while also feeling a flutter of anticipation from his crude words, “You have a point.” His fingers were loosening up, and I could finally catch my breath. I lay there, my chest heaving, focusing on the calmness in my body that I was starting to become more familiar with in Leo’s presence.

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