Page 56 of Pucked Up

“Why you wanted us to hate him,” Tucker supplied, sounding way too happy. But there was an undercurrent of anger and tension in his voice that I could hear almost perfectly now that I had my damn hearing aids in. I wanted to rip them out. “Was it all because he fucked you and you liked it?”

I felt a rush of anger as I looked between him and Ford. “T’es bête? Are you serious?” My chest hurt with the pain of that accusation. I was upset to learn the man I’d fucked was the able-bodied person hired to coach our team, but it had nothing to do with that. “You think I’m so petty?—”

“Yeah,” Ford interrupted, uncharacteristically unkind. “I do think you could be that petty, which is why I’m asking. Was it so bad that he didn’t want to fuck you a second time, and you decided to take it out on the whole team by having a goddamn tantrum? Did you want Tuck and I to look ridiculous by helping you, all because he?—”

“Ford!” Tucker said, his voice firm, loud, and angry. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Ford looked immediately sorry, but the damage was done. His words were more painful than anyone else’s because he was my friend. He was my…myFord.

My throat felt thick, and my eyes were hot. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Shit,” Ford said. He shook his head and started to reach for me, but I pulled back, and he dropped his hands to his lap. “I didn’t mean that. Christ, I didn’t mean that, okay? I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours, and I’m just trying to make sense of all this.”

I understood that. I did. I couldn’t judge my friends for lashing out when they were upset or exhausted. I was worse than them when my brain had bad days. I’d damn near sabotaged my entire team because of a chip on my shoulder.

I took a breath, then reached for Ford. He curled against me immediately, shoving his face in my neck. “I’m sorry I disappeared on you. I didn’t mean to.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry too. I promise I didn’t mean what I said. Fuck. I’m just so confused, and I was shit-scared something happened to you, and?—”

I stroked my fingers over the back of his neck. “Hey. I’m fine. And next time, if I’m being a dipshit and refusing to respond, just come over. That’s what your key is for.”

“Fuck you, Tucker,” Ford said, his voice still muffled against my skin. “We could have come over!”

Tucker shrugged, unrepentant. “I maintain that he needed a moment.”

“I did.”

“What happened?” Ford asked as he pulled back. He wasn’t crying but his eyes were a little red. “Didhe hurt you? Because you know we will kill him.”

“Or knock a few teeth out,” Tucker said with a shrug. “I’m good at that.”

I smiled faintly. “I hurt myself. I have rules. Important rules.”

“We know,” Tucker said, rolling his eyes.

“I broke them. After I realized who he was, I still went back for more, but I can’t—this can’t happen. You know that.”

“Uh. Do we?” Ford asked. “If you like him and he likes you?—”

“I’m trying to get into the PPHL!”

“Uh-huh,” Ford said. “I’m not seeing the problem.”

“Is it because he’s, you know, not disabled?” Tucker asked.

In truth, there was a tiny part of me that was bothered by that. I never in a million years imagined I’d feel any kind of way about a person who couldn’t at least slightly understand my reality. Able-bodied people always had moments where they couldn’t handle me. I didn’t want to live stressed about whether or not he’d plan an inaccessible date, or get irritated with me because I was slow, or embarrassed because I fell in public.

But my traitorous dick and even more traitorous heart were rebelling against me.

“There’s no guarantee that I’ll get on a team nearby,” I finally said. “And that’sifI get recruited at all. And there’s no guarantee that if I am close by, I won’t get traded in two seasons.”

Ford looked devastated. “I hadn’t thought about that. Shit.”

“This will always be my home,” I told him quickly. “But our league isn’t much different from the NHL. Trades happen. A lot. I’ll be an old rookie—not someone teams will be willing to take risks with. If I have a bad season…” I trailed off because they knew.

There were moments we all sat around waiting for Jonah or Micah or Tiago to announce they were being shipped off to the western division. I was ready for that to be my life, but also, I wasn’t. I had so much here, and it was hard knowing I might have to sacrifice my every creature comfort for my dreams of playing pro.

And I sure as shit wasn’t going to ask a partner to give anything up for me. But Hugo wasn’t my partner either. Even if he’d held me all night and made me breakfast the next morning. Even if now, whatever was between us, had been muddied by the fact that we’d been together and hadn’t done the only thing that was supposed to matter.

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