Page 63 of Icing on the Cake

I like the video and keep scrolling.

Drew’s newest fling posted a selfie of them kissing at some hipster coffee shop. They’re both wearing beanies and flannels, resembling extras in an indie rock musical. I double-tap the photo out of loyalty and make a mental note to tease Drew about it later.

As I scroll through more of my feed, I come across a post from Nathan. It’s an image of him and Alex Donovan hanging out at what looks like the Infinity Arena. Alex is holding a hockey stick, and Nathan has his arm around Alex’s shoulder. The caption reads, “Getting this guy ready for the big leagues!”

My eyes widen. Alex looks uncomfortable but also kind of happy. I can’t imagine how Kyle will react if he sees this. Probably not well.

Kyle’s always been insanely protective of Alex, even though they’re just friends. At least, that’s what they say. The rest of us have speculated for months about whether there’s something more going on between them. It would make sense—they’re basically inseparable, and Kyle is the only person Alex ever talks to.

I remember when Coach Donovan took over the team midway through my freshman year and brought Alex to practice. He was so small and fragile-looking and reminded me of a scared kitten. We all assumed he’d come out of his shell, but three years later, he’s still the same shy kid, hiding behind Kyle.

I wonder if Kyle’s protectiveness is actually holding Alex back. Maybe if he let Alex fend for himself a bit more, the kid would grow some confidence. Then again, what do I know? I’m not in their shoes.

My thoughts drift to other things I’m unsure of. Like Elliot grinding through his Monday marathon of classes.How many is he taking this semester? Six? Seven?Simply thinking about that workload makesmetired. I have no idea how he’s not a dead man walking by nightfall.

Not having time to eat would explain Elliot’s skinny appearance.The guy is a skeleton with glasses, but a cute one, like in those stop-motion Christmas specials Dad used to make me watch. It would also explain why he’s always grumpy.

I can’t imagine surviving on an empty stomach. I need to eat almost every hour to keep my energy up, and that’s not even counting the insane amount of protein I have to take in to maintain this beefy body.

What surprises me most, though, is that Jackson hasn’t stepped in to help Elliot. Jackson’s an athlete too—football, but still—so he should know how important fueling your body is.

Maybe Elliot doesn’t let him help?The guy is fiercely independent, almost to a fault. Or maybe Jackson is as swamped as Elliot and can’t spare the time.

I lean back in my chair and cross my arms over my chest.What if Elliot’s a vegetarian?Of course, the thought hits meafterI’ve ordered.If he is a vegetarian, these turkey clubs with extra bacon are going to be useless.

The girl with purple hair calls my name, and I get up to grab my order. The bag is heavy with sandwich goodness, and my mouth waters at the thought of diving into one. But these aren’t for me—well, not all of them.

Unless he doesn’t eat meat,the voice in the back of my head mutters.

I push through the deli door and head to my car. As I toss the bag onto the passenger seat, I pull out my phone one last time and look at Nathan’s post again.

Alex is lucky to have someone like Kyle looking out for him. But seeing this makes me think that maybe Nathan has a point. If Alex wants to be part of our world—hell, if he wants to be part of his dad’s world—he’s going to need more than just Kyle.

I start the car and drive back toward campus, thinking about how different things are when you have someone by your side. A best friend, a protector, a…something more.

When I get back to the Hockey House, Drew’s pickup truckpulls out of the driveway. He honks and waves, and I wave back as I park in his now vacant spot.

I kill the engine and sit for a moment, staring at the bag of food next to me. Walking and talking with Elliot as I carried his books was easier than it should have been. It felt as if we’d been friends since birth. I wonder if having lunch with him will be as easygoing.

Sittingon a bench outside of Russo Hall with the brown paper bag in my lap makes me feel like Forrest Gump. Elliot’sIntroduction to Human Sexuality andCalculus for Masochistsare next to me, and the first one calls to me like a siren’s song.

Opening it up, I run my finger down the table of contents, skimming over the various chapters until I stop on one that catches my eye: “Understanding Bisexuality.” My heart does this weird flutter thing as I note the page number and flip to it.

The first few paragraphs talk about how bisexuality is often misunderstood. People think it’s simply a phase or a stepping stone to being gay, but it’s actually more complex than that. The chapter also discusses attraction to more than one gender and how it can be fluid over time. There’s even a part about how some people can be romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to another.

I think about Elliot and how certain he seems in who he is. Then I think about myself and how confused I’ve been lately. Reading this causes the light bulb to go off in my head.

Maybe it’s okay that I don’t have all the answers right now. Maybe it’s normal to be unsure and to question things.

The book goes on to mention internalized homophobia and how societal pressures make it harder for people to accept their bisexuality. I wonder if that’s what’s going on with me.

Growing up in Elk Valley, everyone was as traditional as you’d imagine a small town to be. Mom and Dad are super supportive of everything I do, and I’ve no doubt they’d be as supportive if I brought a guy home instead of a girl. Especially considering my dad’s bisexuality.

I keep reading, finding myself intrigued by every word. The book talks about bi-erasure, where people assume you’re straight if you’re with someone of the opposite sex or gay if you’re with someone of the same sex.

That hits close to home. All this time, I’ve thought of myself as straight because I’ve only ever dated girls.But does liking Elliot mean I’m gay now? Or does it mean I’m…

My thoughts trail off as the words start to blur together. This is a lot to take in, but it’s also kind of reassuring. Like maybe there’s a roadmap for figuring this stuff out, and I’m not as lost as I thought.

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