Page 32 of Welcome to the Cornish Country Hospital

‘There’s nothing I’d like more than to take you out for dinner. Or if you want to bring Brenda over for a playdate with Maggie, I could cook dinner for you at my place instead. Oh God, that sounds cheap, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just…’ It was Charlie’s turn to be awkward and stumble over his words, and every time he did, she liked him a little bit more. ‘It’s just easier to talk than when you’re in a restaurant surrounded by other people. And I like talking to you, Danni. I really do.’

‘Me too. I like talking to you, I mean, not myself!’ They both laughed. Whatever else they did or didn’t have it common, the two of them were certainly terrible at flirting. And much to her surprise, that suddenly felt like a really good starting point.

17

Connie jumped whenever she heard footsteps coming down the ward towards her room, ever since Danni had told her that Richard had been admitted to the hospital, and that she’d given him the letter. When Danni had come up to the ward to tell her that Richard had been sent for a scan, and that she’d be staying to review the results, Connie had felt panic and relief all at the same time. She was terrified something might happen to Richard, just at the moment when she’d finally have the chance to tell him how sorry she was for keeping the secret of Charlie’s birth from him, but she’d also been relieved that it was Danni who was taking care of him and acting as the go-between, at least for now. Danni had called her again later that day, to say that Richard was doing well, but that he hadn’t had a chance to read the letter before Danni had needed to leave. She’d promised Connie that one of her colleagues would make sure Richard got all his effects back when he was moved to the clinical decisions unit, and that he’d be able to read the letter then.

Richard had every justification to be angry with Connie when he finally discovered the truth. What she’d done was unforgiveable in hindsight, despite having felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. But part of the relief was also down to the fact that she didn’t have to face that anger just yet. She hated the thought of him being ill, but it might give the news a few days to sink in. Then there might be a tiny chance that something other than anger would feature in Richard’s response. Connie could cope with him rejecting her, she deserved it, but she couldn’t bear the thought he might reject Charlie too, before he’d had the opportunity to really think about things. The idea of either of them losing out on the chance to know one another for a second time, because of her, caused her more pain than any of the after-effects of the accident.

So the last thing she’d expected, the first time she saw Richard in almost forty years, was for him to be smiling as he walked through the door towards her.

‘Rich?’ It was a question, rather than a statement, even though she’d have known him anywhere. He looked older, there was no denying that, but not much had really changed. His build was exactly as it had been, no thickening around the midriff for someone who worked as hard at farming as Richard always had. His dark hair was heavily peppered with grey now, but still thick and curly, just like his son’s. His skin was tanned from spending so much of his time outside, just as it always had been, and he had a few lines, but not as many as Connie saw when she looked in the mirror. One thing she couldn’t help noticing was how few laughter lines he had, which resulted in another stab of regret, because she’d missed out on developing as many of those as she could have too. She just hoped the lack of lines around Richard’s eyes were due to good genes, and not an absence of joy in the life he’d lived since she’d last seen him.

‘Yes, it’s me. Although I know I probably look like Old Father Time these days. But you’re exactly the same, Connie. Still the most beautiful woman in any room, and still the only person to ever call me Rich. Can I sit down?’

‘Of course you can. And I don’t know if being called the most beautiful woman in a hospital ward is everyone’s idea of a compliment, but I’ll take it.’ She smiled as he sat down next to her bed, relief flooding her body that he clearly didn’t hate her for the decisions she’d made. Even if all his feelings for her were long gone, she was suddenly desperate to tell him how she’d really felt all this time. And when she started to speak, the words came more easily than she could ever have imagined. ‘I called you Rich because I wanted to have a name for you that was never on anyone else’s lips. That way, a version of you would always be mine.’

‘It always was, even after I married Fiona.’ Despite half-expecting it, the news that he’d gone through with marrying Fiona was like someone reaching inside Connie’s chest and closing their fist around her heart. She shouldn’t have allowed herself so much hope that Danni had been right, and that Richard was still single. It was crazy to think he would be after all these years. Even if it hadn’t been Fiona, it would have been someone else. This was going to be a difficult conversation, and she was grateful she’d been moved to a private room at the end of the ward. At least no one else was going to be around to witness her tears when they came, and she knew they would sooner or later, because she was already fighting them.

‘How is she?’ It was stupid, Connie acting as if Fiona had been a friend of hers. She’d never met her, or even seen her in real life. She’d been away visiting extended family the summer that Connie had spent in Port Kara. And the only time Connie had ever seen her was in the photographs Richard had shown her.

‘She’s fine. Or at least she was the last time I spoke to Terry.’

‘Terry?’ Connie had forgotten how to breathe. She’d considered the fact that Richard might have other children, perhaps even a son. But now she was faced with the reality that he had a family with Fiona, the tears she’d known were coming were pricking her eyes. She could have had that with Richard and Charlie, but she hadn’t even given it a chance.

‘He’s Fiona’s second husband; they’ve been married ten years and he was our postman for almost twenty years before that. He only does a couple of rounds a week now, and sometimes I don’t see him for weeks on end, if I’m not about when the post is delivered. But we always have a nice chat when I do see him, and he always tells me that Fiona sends her love. I don’t know if it’s true, but I certainly don’t deserve it, because I married her knowing I was never going to be able to love her the way I loved you.’

A thousand emotions seemed to be swirling through Connie’s head. He was saying the words she’d longed to hear for four decades, things she hadn’t even dared to believe he might still feel – especially once he heard about Charlie. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure that the moment she’d dreamt about for so long was really happening. But if she said or did the wrong thing, he might disappear from her life again as quickly as he’d reappeared. Taking a deep breath, she finally found the courage to speak.

‘Oh God, I’ve been such an idiot. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving and not replying to any of the letters you sent. It was so hard when I read them not to send you a reply, but I didn’t want to jeopardise your future. I knew that one day you’d resent me for losing the farm, but I should have answered. I’m really sorry.’

‘I knew you thought you were doing the right thing, but I hoped when you read the letters you’d realise that keeping the farm didn’t mean anything if I couldn’t have you. I told myself I wouldn’t keep trying, if you didn’t reply by the time I sent the twentieth one. But then I decided it might be different if I saw you face to face, so I got into my car without telling anyone where I was going, and drove all the way up to Yorkshire to find you. I went to the university and that’s when I saw you.’

‘You came to the campus?’ Connie’s scalp prickled. If Richard had been there and had seen her, there was a chance he’d realised she was pregnant. If he had and he’d chosen to get back into his car and drive away again, she wasn’t sure how to feel, even if that did make her a hypocrite. She’d hidden it well, until she was six months gone, not wanting her colleagues to ask too many questions. But once spring had arrived, and she’d had to ditch the coats and woolly jumpers, it had been far harder to disguise.

‘It was almost five months since I’d last seen you and only a week before I was due to marry Fiona. I got it into my head that if I made some big romantic gesture I might be able to change your mind. I even had a ring. You always said how much you loved spring, especially when the cherry blossom came out. So I decided that when I found you, I was going to take you to the nearest cherry tree I could find, and propose to you right there and then. But then I saw you, and the man who had his arm around your shoulders. I knew straight away he was another lecturer; he just had that intellectual look. It was something I’d never have, and I realised then that you probably hadn’t replied because what I’d thought of as a great love affair had just been a way to pass the summer for you.’

‘That must have been Tim. I was upset a lot that term, crying all the time at the drop of a hat, which I suppose was to be expected in the circumstances. He was a great friend, always there to comfort me, and the only person I opened up to at the university about what was happening. But there was never anything between us. He was like a brother to me; he still is.’

‘Bloody hell. There was really nothing going on with him?’ Richard widened his eyes and Connie slowly shook her head.

‘He was just a shoulder to cry on and, as for the stuff about you not being intellectual enough for me, that’s rubbish and you know it. One of things I loved about you was your intelligence. You knew so many things I didn’t. You understood the value of nature and how to treat it, long before everyone else cottoned on to the need to care more about the environment. You were passionate about the things you loved, including me, and I’ve never had that before or since.’

Maybe Connie should have been taken aback that almost four decades of suppressed feelings and hidden truths were tumbling out like this, but she’d already lain so much bare in the letter, and there was no point trying to hide anything from him now. If he could take the news that he had a son as well as he clearly had, then surely nothing else she said could shock him.

‘I wish I’d known how you really felt. I thought all the stuff about not wanting me to lose the farm was just a way of letting me down gently, but when I saw you with Tim…’ Richard looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. ‘I thought I’d already lost the most important thing in the world, and if I lost the farm too, I’d have nothing. So I married Fiona, and I’ve felt like the worst person in the world ever since. I only managed to start forgiving myself when I saw how happy she was with Terry.’

‘This might be a crazy question, but the older I get, the shorter I realise life is, and I need to ask you this, even if I shouldn’t: do you think there’s any chance we could still get to have what they’ve got?’ Before Richard had walked back into her life, Connie could never have imagined herself blurting out such a bold question. Not when he was as good as a stranger to her after all this time. If someone else had told her they’d done the same, she’d have called it insanity. You couldn’t just pick up where you left off; people could change a lot in forty years. And yet, somehow, she instinctively knew he hadn’t. The man she’d fallen in love with almost four decades before was still in there, unchanged in all the ways that really mattered. If he could forgive her for concealing Charlie’s arrival, surely there had to be a chance for them, and she needed him to know what she should have said in response to every single one of his letters. ‘I came down to Cornwall to tell you that I loved you and that I always have. I know you might find it hard to hear, given that I waited until—’

‘Those words would never be hard for me to hear.’ He cut her off before she could finish, taking hold of her hands. ‘Because they’re all I’ve dreamt of hearing since you left. I don’t know if there’s any chance of us making it work this time, but I do know I want to try. You’re right, people are going to say we’re crazy for even considering it, and that we don’t know each other any more. But I was always more myself with you than I could be with anyone else, and sometimes I think you’re the only person who’s ever known me. I’ll always regret it if we just walk away again.’

‘Me too and I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but I’m sure the people closest to us will understand eventually.’ This was all happening so fast, it was almost like a dream and even in her wildest hopes, she hadn’t imagined it going like this. It was as if it had only been a week since she and Richard had seen one another, instead of half a lifetime ago. They already had a bond that time couldn’t break, a son who’d tied them together, even when they were apart. Maybe Charlie was the reason they both seemed so willing to jump back in where they’d left off. But she was still going to have to ask the question she’d been dreading, because it would bring home everything that she and Charlie had missed out on with Richard. ‘Did you and Fiona have children?’

‘It never happened. I always hoped it would and that, if it did, it might finally bring us closer. If we were a family, I thought maybe I’d grow to love Fiona at last and that she might be happier too. When we tried, and they couldn’t find a reason why it wasn’t happening, I felt like it was my punishment. I’d married Fiona to save the farm, and I wouldn’t even have anyone to pass it on to.’ Richard sighed. ‘It was no more than I deserved, and in a way I was glad fate made me pay a price for what I’d done. What about you?’

‘Not after Charlie. I never married either, I didn’t even want to try. I thought that was the punishment I deserved, after giving Charlie up, so I inflicted it on myself.’

‘Who’s Charlie?’

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