Page 21 of A Found Family at the Cornish Country Hospital

By the time they’d driven to their guest house on the Friday night, both of them had been ready to crash out after a busy week at work. When Aidan had woken up just after eight the next morning, there’d been five missed calls from his mother and a voicemail telling him that a table was booked for lunch for the whole family at their favourite local pub. It was where Aidan and all his siblings had been taken when they’d passed their Leaving Certificates at the end of school. His mother had been so proud every time, but the grades Aidan had got had been the highest of all her children, and she’d told anyone who’d listen that it had given him the pick of universities to choose from as a result. She’d never wanted him to follow his dream of going to art school, so it must have been a great relief to her when he’d been rejected. Even his father had shaken his hand, and bought him a beer on the day he’d got his Leaving Certificate. It was one of only a handful of times that Aidan could remember his parents being proud of anything he’d done, and it hadn’t happened again since then.

‘It’s lovely that they want to make a big thing of you coming home.’ Jase pulled Aidan into his arms, after he’d relayed the message from his mother, and he wished he could feel even a frisson of excitement about a lunch with his family.

‘Uh huh. She said they wanted to make up for the fact that not everyone got over for the wedding.’ It was quite possibly the understatement of the year, given that his mother had been the only one there. But his three sisters had always been daddy’s girls, and his brother was cut from exactly the same cloth as their father, they even worked together:Kennedy and Son.Every time Aidan saw one of their signs around Roscommon, or looked at the van parked on the driveway, it was like the words were taunting him. The slogan might be factually correct when it came to the business, but son in the singular was probably how Sean viewed his whole life, because Aidan had never lived up to any of his hopes in that respect.

‘That’s really nice.’ Jase was beaming at the prospect of a family lunch, but then he’d never really understand. There was no way he could, when all he’d ever had was unconditional love and support. ‘What time do we need to be there?’

‘Not until twelve.’

‘Are we going to see your family beforehand, or just meet there?’ Jase was still brimming with enthusiasm, but if he was ever going to have a hope of understanding how hard it was for Aidan to come back here, or to stop believing in the fairy tale that his family would truly accept them, there was something he needed to see.

‘There’s something I want to show you before we go for lunch. It’s a little church in a village about ten miles from here.’ Aidan fought to keep his tone level, as his head filled with images from a past he’d tried so desperately to leave behind. He should have told Jase about this years ago, but he hadn’t been ready then.

‘If you’ve arranged for a vow renewal, I’m going to need to upgrade my outfit.’ Jase circled his arms around Aidan’s waist, and all he could do was shake his head. They weren’t going to the church as a place of celebration, they were going to mourn the loss of someone who should have been there for every major milestone in Aidan’s life, but who hadn’t even made it to his twenty-first birthday party.

Every time Aidan had been back to visit the church where his best friend had been laid to rest, the sun was shining. In some ways it felt right, because Cian had a smile that could light up any room. Even the teachers couldn’t be angry with him, when he was getting into trouble for playing the class clown, the way he’d seemed to do most days. Yet it seemed wrong, too, for Aidan to feel the warmth of the sun on his back, when Cian had been lying beneath the cold, wet ground for almost twenty years.

They should never have become best friends. Aidan was serious and studious back when they’d first met, at the age of twelve. Cian was far more flamboyant, and he’d spend hours on art projects and designing his own clothes in his spare time, but was never more than a comedian during school hours. Aidan’s father had said on more than one occasion after Cian’s death, that the two boys had only ever been friends because of their ‘inclinations’. He’d also insisted, from the time they’d first met, that Cian was a bad influence on his son and had tried to stop them spending time together. It was an odd thing to do given that Cian’s father was a close friend of Sean’s, and neither statement could have been further from the truth. What the two boys had shared had been a deep friendship, that had never crossed the line into anything that might have spoilt it, despite Aidan questioning whether they were the only gay teenagers in the whole of Roscommon. At times it had certainly felt like it. Cian was the best influence Aidan could possibly have had, and he’d encouraged him to be honest about his sexuality, not just with others, but more importantly with himself.

Cian had never hidden who he was and had been the most authentic person Aidan had ever known, and he’d worn his hearton his sleeve. Yet he’d been hiding a secret of his own, a battle with depression that had been exacerbated by the rejection he’d experienced from some of his closest family. Cian had kept the pain of that to himself, and for years after his suicide, Aidan had blamed himself for his best friend’s death, for leaving to try and have a new start in England, and for not seeing the signs of just how unhappy Cian was. It had taken the journey from the guesthouse to the church, and two laps of the graveyard, for Aidan to tell Jase the full story of his friendship with Cian, whose parents had kicked him out, when they’d discovered he had a boyfriend at his university in Dublin.

Cian hadn’t seen them in the two years after that, which had led up to his death. That hadn’t stopped them playing the role of broken-hearted parents at his funeral, and Aidan had wanted to stand up in the church and scream that everything that John and Eileen were doing was just an act. Those people had turned their backs on their son, and it had killed him every bit as much as if they’d been the ones to administer the overdose he’d taken. They should have loved him unconditionally, exactly the way Chooky had said every child deserved to be loved. But they hadn’t, and the truth was Aidan was almost certain he’d never had that kind of love either. Being gay shouldn’t have been a reason for his or Cian’s parents to withhold love from their children, but they had, and it had cost Cian his life. It had also made Aidan feel less at home in the place he’d been born than he did anywhere else on earth. He hadn’t had things nearly as bad as Cian, because his mother had at least tried to accept his sexuality, while his father pretended his coming out hadn’t happened at all. But there’d been no safe space for him to return to; nowhere he felt he could go when life was at its toughest. And that was something else he was desperate to provide for his own child.

‘Oh sweetheart that must have been so hard.’ Jase put his arms around him, and Aidan breathed out. This was home now– it wasn’t a place, it was a person – and he could get through whatever the weekend back home brought, as long as he had his husband by his side.

‘I’m sorry I never told you any of this before. I try not to think about it too much, because it breaks my heart that I didn’t know Cian needed help. But I wanted you to understand why I find it so hard to be around my father.’ Aidan blinked away the tears that had filled his eyes, despite his best efforts to hold them back. ‘He saw what happened when Cian’s parents rejected him, and yet he still barely more than tolerates me. If Cian’s death wasn’t enough to make him realise that none of the things he thinks are important really matter, then nothing ever will be, not even our baby. And that kills me too.’

‘However your parents react, this baby is going to be the luckiest kid in the world, because it’s going to have you as its dad.’ Jase held his gaze and Aidan knew his husband meant every single word.

‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too.’ Jase rested his forehead against Aidan’s, and for a moment they stood in the churchyard, in the shadow of the building where Cian’s far-too-short life had been remembered, without any mention of the person he’d really been. But Aidan wasn’t going to let his best friend be forgotten, and he was more determined than ever to live his life every bit as authentically as Cian had. If that wasn’t something his parents could live with, that would be their choice, but there was no room in Aidan’s life for compromise when it came to them accepting he and Jase would be starting a family of their own. If it came to a choice, Jase and the baby would win every single time.

The lunch had gone better than Aidan had expected. It had been noisy, his siblings and their families laughing and bickering, and treating not just him, but Jase, like a part of the family, giving every indication that they’d missed seeing the two of them. His sister May had apologised again for missing the wedding, telling him how hard it was to organise a trip like that, with three under-fives, especially when money was tight, but had said how much she wished she’d been there. His other siblings had echoed her sentiment, and it was easy to believe they meant what they said. It had been on the tip of his tongue to say he might soon have a far better understanding of what life with a young child was like, but he’d decided to wait until the lunch was over. His nieces and nephews were all having so much fun, and he hadn’t spent nearly as much time with them over the years as he should have done, so the last thing he wanted to do was to spoil the meal and create a drama in front of the children, if his father reacted badly to the news. Sean had worn an enigmatic expression throughout the lunch, like someone who’d been asked to smile for a photo, but who couldn’t quite persuade his face to comply.

‘This has been such a lovely day, darlin’, hasn’t it?’ Aidan’s mother leant into him as she spoke, the two of them watching Jase showing some of the children how to play noughts and crosses, with the aid of a grid he’d drawn on a serviette.

‘It has, Mammy.’ He hadn’t imagined there’d be a time during the lunch when he’d want to freeze a moment to preserve forever. But seeing how brilliant Jase was with his nieces and nephews, and sitting so close to his mother that even their breathing was in synch, he felt as if it really could be a new start for them all. But it wouldn’t happen unless he was honest, andhe knew how they really felt about their plans to become parents. ‘Jase is great with the kids, isn’t he?’

‘He really is. You’re both of you made for a big family and I couldn’t be happier that you’re here.’ Aidan’s mother clutched his arm, and even though his father had wandered off somewhere, it was now or never.

‘Actually, we’re trying to have a baby of our own. A friend is going to donate her eggs and we’re being matched with a surrogate.’ He couldn’t take his eyes off his mother’s face as he watched her processing the information. He didn’t know what he was expecting her reaction to be, but he knew what he wanted: an expression of delight that she’d be getting another grandchild. It might be too much to ask, but he was watching her face so intently his eyes stung and the silence hanging in the air between them seemed to last forever.

‘Well, I can’t say I’m not happy for you. The pair of you’ll be grand.’ His mother was still clutching his arm. But he didn’t miss the way her eyes had darted to one side. She was looking for his father, both of them knowing what Sean’s reaction was likely to be. He couldn’t hold that against her, though, and she was saying the right things. Expecting a Hallmark moment was only asking to be hurt, and all he could do was take what she’d said at face value. His mother was trying, even if her thoughts were at least partly occupied by what her husband’s reaction was going to be. ‘Have you decided which one of you is gonna be the father?’

‘We both are.’ He’d anticipated the question, certain that his response would have a big impact on the way his mother took the news, and he held her gaze until she nodded, making him catch his breath. He’d felt sure she’d push to know about genetics, but if it bothered her as much as he’d thought it would, she was doing a good job of hiding it. All the adrenaline that had built up, as he’d waited to tell her, flooded out of his body, washing over him in a wave of relief. But his mother had alwaysbeen the more accepting, and he wished he didn’t have to ask her what he was about to. ‘What do you think Da will make of it?’

‘He’s an eejit if he can’t see what good parents you’ll make.’ She was smiling, but there was a hint of something else in her eyes that looked a lot like fear. Aidan knew only too well just how capable his father could be of ignoring the obvious, if it didn’t suit his agenda, and his mother knew it too. ‘You can ask him yourself when he comes back; he’s just at the bar.’

‘I will, I’ll be back in a minute.’ Excusing himself, Aidan hoped his mother would make the assumption that he needed the loo. That way she wouldn’t try to stop him leaving. The truth was, he wanted to speak to his father outside the confines of the function room at the back of the pub, which his mother had reserved for their family lunch. When he told Sean about his plans to start a family, he didn’t want it to be under his mother’s watchful eye. No doubt she’d warned her husband not to do or say anything that might upset Aidan, but he wanted honesty more than anything else. If his father couldn’t be happy for him and Jase, Aidan would rather know the truth.

‘Do you want one?’ Sean gestured to a half-drunk pint in front of him, as Aidan joined him at the bar.

‘No, thanks. Are you coming back in?’ It was blatantly obvious his father was more comfortable out in the bar than back in the function room, and that should have told Aidan all he needed to know.

‘I said I’d have a drink with Jimmy. He’ll be back in a minute.’ Even as his father spoke, his best friend of more than fifty years, Jimmy Doyle, opened the door of the gents’ toilets and crossed the bar towards them.

‘Well there, and aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?’ Jimmy gave Aidan a rough hug, thumping him on the back in what probably passed for a show of affection in his world. ‘And to what do we owe the honour of your visit home?’

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