Page 31 of A Found Family at the Cornish Country Hospital

‘We went to the deli for a bit and sat in the garden; she just needed some time to process it all. But after that she looked done in, and she said she just wanted to sleep. I don’t think she’s been getting much lately.’

‘That poor kid.’ It was obvious Jase wasn’t thinking about himself in any of this, and another stab of guilt twisted Aidan’sinsides. ‘What did they say about treatment? The thought of chemo must be terrifying.’

‘The type of leukaemia she’s got is chronic, rather than acute. It progresses more slowly and can often be managed in a way that could give her the same life expectancy as anyone else. It means the first-line treatments are far less aggressive than chemo, but they won’t cure it. That will mean living with the illness, and the risk of it one day progressing, for the rest of her life. After what happened with her dad, that’s understandably something she’s struggling to get her head around.’

‘I don’t even know what to think about whether that counts as good news or not, so God knows how Isla is coping with it.’ Jase ran a hand through his hair. ‘I mean it’s positive that it’s not aggressive, but facing the fact that it will always be there must be overwhelming. I just wish you’d told me you were going with her. I’d never have kept messaging you, and I could have told Ellen that now wasn’t the right time to meet.’

‘Did you go on your own?’ If someone had held a gun to Aidan’s head and asked him what he wanted Jase’s answer to be, he still wasn’t sure he could have told them.

‘Yes.’

‘And have I blown it for us?’

‘Do you want to have?’ Jase held his gaze, and Aidan had no idea how to answer that question either, but he didn’t need to and his husband’s eyes had filled with tears. ‘You don’t want to do this any more, do you?’

‘I don’t know.’ His uncertainty was the first thing he’d been sure of in days, but watching Jase wipe away tears with the back of his hand made Aidan feel like the worst person in the world.

‘Is it because of Isla? Because you can’t imagine doing this without her as our egg donor?’ Tears were streaming down Jase’s face now, and it would have been so easy for Aidan to tell his husband that was the reason. But using Isla like that wouldhave been even more unforgiveable, and he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he didn’t tell Jase the truth.

‘She still wants to be our donor, and according to the consultant there’s no risk of passing anything on to the baby. But I told her not to even think about that right now.’ He was delaying, playing for time, but he couldn’t keep doing it. ‘The truth is, I don’t know any more. What if I’m like my father?’

‘You’re nothing like him.’ Jase made a move towards Aidan, but he took a step back. He had to get the words out and say everything that needed to be said.

‘Even if I’m not, what if my relationship with him means I don’t know what a healthy relationship between a father and child should look like? I don’t want to ruin our baby’s life and make them feel the way I have.’

‘Aidan Kennedy, I’ve heard you talk your fair share of utter bollocks in my time, but this is something else.’ Jase was too quick for him this time, and he wrapped his arms around Aidan’s waist before he could get away. ‘Rube adored you from the moment you came into his life, because you knew how to listen to him –reallylisten – when none of the rest of us did. You understood when his feelings about his dad got conflicted, and you were able to put yourself in his shoes precisely because of what you’ve been through. All I’ll be any good for with our kid, is if life all goes swimmingly. Okay, I had the challenges with my hearing and got a bit of bullying at school, but I’ve had such an easy ride, being loved and supported by Mum and Dad like I was the best thing since sliced bread. And then to top it all, I found someone like you. No one is supposed to get that lucky in life, and the chances are that our kid will one day come up against stuff that’s tougher than anything I’ve been through. They’ll need to talk to someone who’s had to be resilient and still been able to care for others, even when I know there were times when it felt like no one really cared about you. That’s something youcan offer our child. You’ve done it for Isla today, even though you’ve obviously been wrestling with how to talk to me about this. But I bet if you asked Isla, she’d have had no idea you had your own stuff going on too.’

‘My stuff is nothing compared to hers,’ Aidan tried to protest, but Jase held him even more tightly.

‘Yes, it’s different to what’s going on with Isla, but every child deserves unconditional love. And there’s no point pretending it doesn’t hurt like hell when you don’t get it. But you’ve got it now. There are times when you drive me mad. Today’s been a case in point.’ Jase put a hand under his chin. ‘But I honestly don’t believe there’s anything you could do that would stop me loving you. If you ever cheat on me, I’ll hate your guts, and if I get the chance, I’ll chop your balls off and have them made into earmuffs, but deep down I won’t be able to stop myself from loving you.’

‘Earmuffs?’ Aidan was laughing now, and crying too, as his husband pulled him closer still.

‘In a minute I’m going to kiss you, just to shut you up.’ Jase grinned. ‘But before I do, I need to tell you something. Ellen was great. I used a little white lie that an emergency had come up for you at work and she was so understanding. She really wants to help us, and I’m pretty damn sure she’s the right person to do it. You must know there’s no one else in the world I’d want to do parenthood with, but I’m not going to force you into anything either. All I need you to do is nod if you want me to set up a second meeting with Ellen.’

Aidan looked at his husband, and before he even realised he was doing it, he started to nod. Standing in front of him was his person, the one he wanted to share everything with. And if Jase believed in him, half as much as he said he did, that was enough to convince Aidan he was right, because there was no one in the world he trusted more.

‘I need a glow up.’ Wendy plonked herself down on the seat next to Aidan and Jase, in Danni and Charlie’s back garden. ‘And I feel like you two are just the guys to help me.’

‘I think she thinks I’m Gok Wan and you’re Tan France.’ Jase looked at Aidan and winked.

‘Or she thinks we’re Trinny and Susannah. And with my inability to stick to the pre-baby diet, I’m certainly in danger of getting the boobs.’ Aidan laughed, but turning towards Wendy, he could see she was deadly serious. ‘What’s up, my darling? You don’t look like your usual self at all.’

‘I feel like a bag lady. Look at me, I tried to make an effort, but I just look a state.’ Wendy pulled at the ‘cold shoulder’ top she was wearing, which had sleeves with cut out sections. It was the kind of thing Aidan’s mother had always seemed to favour on what she described as ‘fancy occasions’, for reasons he’d never quite been able to fathom, because they did nothing for her, but he wasn’t about to confess to Wendy how much he disliked what she was wearing.

‘You always look grand. You’ve got the biggest smile and?—’

‘That’s exactly the sort of thing people say to someone whose got nothing else going for them.’ Wendy sighed. ‘I don’t want to have the biggest smile. I want to have a banging figure and look ten years younger than I am. I want everyone to say Gary’s punching above his weight, instead of wondering what he’s doing with an old frump like me.’

‘Right, what’s going on?’ Aidan put down his drink, signalling he meant business. ‘Gary’s over there at the barbecue with Charlie and Joe, laughing his head off and looking very much as though he feels like the luckiest fella in the world. And from whathe’s said ever since the two of you got together, I know that’s true.’

‘He told me he’s happier than he’s even been.’ Jase leant forward in his chair. ‘So whatever it is you’re concerned about, you definitely don’t need to worry about Gary not realising that all his Christmases have come at once.’

‘It’s just…’ Wendy shook her head. ‘Oh, ignore me, I’m being stupid.’

‘Anyone need another top up?’ Danni suddenly appeared behind Wendy, who thrust out her glass in response.

‘Always.’

---