Page 30 of Lessons in Love at the Cornish Country Hospital

‘So, you wanted children then?’ Danni couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. She’d often wondered if Joe had come along by mistake, and then her mother had thought she might as well have a second, as much as anything to take the pressure off having to provide companionship for Joe. Or whether they’d both been mistakes. It was hard to believe Nicola had actively planned to become a parent, but she was nodding.

‘I wanted children because your father did, and because it was what everyone did back then. Both families assumed we would, and I lost count of how many times I was asked on our wedding day whether we’d be trying for a baby straight away. Even before I met your dad, and realised how desperate he was to be a father, I knew I’d have children at some point, because I didn’t think I had a choice. It’s not like now. Yes, there were a few people who were career driven and adamant they didn’t want kids, but I didn’t even have that reason. I just didn’t have those maternal feelings you were supposed to have. The few women who were honest about not wanting children were told they’d regret it, or that there must be something wrong with them. So, I went with the flow and hoped the feelings would come once you arrived.’

‘And did they?’ Danni was willing her mother to give even the slightest hint of a nod, but instead she shook her head, and the space in her chest that her mother’s love should have filled felt emptier than ever.

‘No.’ For a moment Nicola looked down at the floor, and then she met Danni’s gaze. ‘But I could see how incredibly happy being a father made your dad, and that made me happy in return. He was my world, and you two were his. I didn’t feel guilty about not feeling the way I should, because you had all the love you needed from him. And because of that I knew we’d muddle through okay, but then, when he died… I had no idea what to do with you.’

‘So, you sent us off to boarding school and tried to forget you even had us?’ Danni wrapped her arms around her bump. She couldn’t imagine anything happening that would ever make her send her child away. And as much as it hurt to hear her mother admitting how easy it had been for her, Danni wanted to at least try to understand.

‘I knew it would be better for you than staying with me. With your dad gone, I couldn’t keep up the pretence that I knew what I was doing, or that I was one day going to wake up and be the mother of the year.’ Nicola sounded as though she meant every word, and maybe she was right. Maybe the distance between her and her children really had been the best thing for all of them, despite how much they’d longed to go home. But there was something else Danni had to ask.

‘Do you regret having children?’ Danni had instigated the conversation, so she only had herself to blame for the way it was going, but once she’d started, she couldn’t stop. It was like a barely healed over scar that she didn’t seem able to resist ripping open.

‘Yes and no. I don’t regret having you, because you brought your father so much joy, and you’ve done a lot of good things that make the world a better place.’ Her mother’s eyes had gone glassy. It was like seeing a mannequin suddenly expressing emotion and Danni had to rub her own eyes to make sure she wasn’t imagining it. ‘But I regret becoming a mother; I was never up to the job. Mothers are supposed to love their children more than they love anything, or anyone, else. But I could never prioritise you in that way. Your father was always the most important person to me, and now it’s Paul. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something missing in me. Or maybe it’s just that there are some people, like me, who aren’t meant to be parents because they don’t want to be. That would have been fine if I’d followed my gut, but I didn’t. I should never have assumed those feelings would suddenly develop out of nowhere. If I was young now, I’d be honest with myself and everyone else, and say I don’t want to have children, because I’m not prepared to put them ahead of myself, or my partner. Choosing to become a parent, when I knew that, meant I dealt you and Joe a bad hand in life. I wasn’t a proper mother, in any true sense of the word, but Idon’t regret having you, because raising two such accomplished children is probably the best thing I never did.’

It was a mic-drop moment and, if it had been a movie, the two of them would have hugged and cried, and told each other that this was the start of a whole new era in their relationship. Except Port Kara was a long way from Hollywood, and all Nicola did was give a small nod of her head, before turning her back on Danni and walking away. There were no promises to come and visit the baby, or to use his impending arrival as the chance to try again, and for Nicola to be a far better grandmother than she had been a mother. Yet somehow it was still enough. Knowing that Nicola’s parenting hadn’t been a reflection on her children, only on herself, turned out to be all Danni had needed to hear. And, even without the Hollywood ending, it was a life-changing moment.

It had been a beautiful wedding, but Wendy still found herself looking at her watch far more than she should have done. It had nothing to do with her being bored, and everything to do with worrying about how long she’d left Chloe on her own. Both of the girls were away in the camper at another music festival, which had been arranged months before, when the idea of Chloe coming to stay with them indefinitely would have felt as unlikely as Wendy being asked to join an astronaut training programme. She’d kept herself shut up in the spare room for the majority of time since leaving the hospital with Stan, Gary’s Border Terrier, the only company she seemed able to tolerate. But even though Chloe wasn’t interacting with them in a way that offered any reassurance that she was eventually going to be okay, at least Wendy could check on her. She was terrifiedshe might do something stupid, and that included responding to Mike’s attempts to contact her. She’d been adamant at first that it was over, convinced that Mike had only ever proposed because she was pregnant. But the hurt and the loneliness made her vulnerable, something Wendy knew Mike was skilled at spotting. If he got through to Chloe at the right moment, there was a chance he could change her mind, and the thought of her going back to him made Wendy’s blood run cold.

‘Do you want to leave?’ Gary asked the question when he caught Wendy looking at her watch for the second time in the space of about two minutes.

‘No, don’t be silly, you’re having a great time.’

‘I’ve already had my great time. I’ve seen my two wonderful friends get married, eaten a fantastic meal, had a laugh with my mates, and best of all I’ve danced with the most beautiful woman in the room.’ Gary leant forward and kissed her briefly. ‘I’m ready to go home and I know you are. You’re not going to relax until you know Chloe is okay.’

‘I’m sorry, I must be driving you mad.’

‘It makes me love you even more. I’m not sure I could be nearly so charitable if Rachel’s new husband needed help.’ Gary pulled a face.

‘Me neither.’ Wendy had met him once, at Albert’s birthday party, and Rachel had definitely downgraded. He’d spent the whole afternoon talking about how much bonus he was going to earn, and what kind of car he was going to buy as a result. He was a boring arse, and she’d caught Rachel watching Gary a couple of times, the look of regret on her face painfully obvious. But Wendy never once had cause to wonder if Gary felt the same way that day. It was strange, having been cheated on by Mike, that her thoughts hadn’t immediately gone there. It was probably because Gary was so good at making her feel secure in his feelings for her, and it was another reason she found iteasy to care about Chloe. Mike’s actions would have undermined whatever self-esteem she might once have had – Wendy knew that because she’d been there, and Chloe had no family support to help her build that back up. It had made Wendy realise just how lucky she was. ‘It’s different with Chloe, though, isn’t it? She didn’t get involved with Mike until long after we’d separated, and she’s been through a lot in life.’

‘I know, but she’s going to be okay.’ Gary squeezed her hand.

‘How can you be so sure?’ Wendy held her breath, hoping that whatever he said next would be able to convince her of that, because she really wanted it to be true.

‘Because she’s got you now.’ Taking hold of her hand, he stood up, gently pulling Wendy to her feet. ‘Let’s go home.’

‘You’ve got no idea how much I love you.’ She took a step towards him, holding his gaze.

‘If it’s even half as much as I love you, I’ll consider myself far luckier than I deserve to be.’ Gary smiled. ‘But today has made me realise something.’

‘What’s that?’

‘That I can’t wait for us to get married.’

‘Me neither.’ Wendy didn’t have a shred of doubt that it was what she wanted, but she also knew she couldn’t even think about it until Chloe was more settled. Luckily, she was engaged to the kindest and most patient man she’d ever met, and she was almost certain he’d understand. But getting Chloe to start taking steps towards a new life was a problem for another day. For now, Gary was right, all she wanted to do was get home and check on the young woman they’d taken into their home, and she was praying that the sense of foreboding that had plagued her all day would come to nothing.

18

Danni’s last job before going on maternity leave was to glue together the eyebrow of a boy who’d had a somewhat over-enthusiastic conker fight with his sister. According to their mother, it had started off in a fairly civilised way but when Poppy had accidentally glanced the side of Roman’s face with her conker, he’d retaliated, and from that point on, an all-out war had ensued. The truce had only arrived when there was too much blood pouring into Roman’s eye for them to continue.

‘You’d imagine that at eight and ten I could take my eyes off them for a moment, wouldn’t you?’ Roman’s mother, Maxine, pulled a face. ‘I thought the days of me having to watch them like a hawk were over, but oh no, they can still get themselves into all kinds of trouble. You must think I’m a terrible mother.’

‘Far from it. You can’t watch them every second and, even if you did, accidents still happen.’ Danni had learnt not to judge most situations a long time ago. The majority of the time she could put herself in the shoes of the people she was helping. Only the week before she’d had a distraught couple in, new parents of a very colicky baby who barely seemed to sleep. The mum had already been up three times with the baby in the night, so herpartner got up the fourth time and had taken the baby into the sitting room. He’d been up at 4a.m. the morning before, to start his shift as a delivery driver, so it was hardly a surprise that he’d dropped off with the baby in his arms. At some point the baby had slipped from his grip, sliding down his body and on to the floor, waking both of them up with an almighty scream. They’d been terrified at the harm that might have been caused to their little girl, and blaming themselves for something that could so easily happen in a tough situation, when exhaustion made it hard to think straight and the decision to just sit down on the sofa with the baby for a while seemed so obvious.

Danni did everything she could to reassure people in those sorts of situations that what had happened could happen to anyone. There were times when Danni did judge, however, and none more so than when parents deliberately hurt or neglected their children. It had always got to her, partly because without her father there was a chance her mother might have strayed from indifference to neglect. As much as Danni had hated boarding school, she suspected it was what had saved her and Joe from that. But the hardest part about dealing with cases like that was because innocent children had put their trust in someone who had let them down in the worst possible way. She’d wondered whether having a child of her own might heighten those already intense feelings, or if that might affect the way she did her job, but she couldn’t know that until it happened.

Thankfully the baby who’d slipped on to the floor had been absolutely fine. Her parents had taken her home after saying thank you about a hundred times, and pledging that they’d never, ever take the risk of falling asleep with her like that again, despite Danni’s reassurances that exhaustion was to blame and not them. She wouldn’t judge Maxine for her son having sustained an injury when the play fighting with his sister gotout of hand either. This was parenting and she was going into it knowing there’d be hard bits and that she would undoubtedly make mistakes, but she still couldn’t wait for the biggest adventure of her life to start with Charlie by her side.

---