Page 24 of Together Again at the Cornish Country Hospital

When Gwen had got up for work, she’d felt as though she was wearing one of those old-fashioned diver’s suits that helped the wearer to sink to the bottom of the ocean. Her limbs were heavy and her movements slow, like she was struggling to recover from a bad bout of flu. The spring dance show with the Port Agnes Quicksteppers was usually one of the highlights of her year, but she had to drag herself on to stage for the two numbers she was involved in, half-heartedly swaying her hips and hiding at the back, hoping no one would notice how much she was slowing down. When she’d performed a foxtrot with Barry, she’d been like a ragdoll.

‘Is everything okay?’ Nicky Kirby, who ran the dance group, was one of the loveliest women Gwen had ever met, so she’d never have come out and asked directly what the hell was wrong with her, but it had been clear something was.

‘Just a few aches and pains that’s all.’ Gwen had seen the look on Nicky’s face, and the faces of two of her friends from the dance group, Isobel and Maureen, who she’d persuaded to attend, promising them that you were never too old to follow a passion, even if you thought your dancing days were over. Everyone relied on Gwen to be the cheerleader for older women, and to dismiss age as a just a number. She couldn’t admit she felt every single second of her seventy-two years and that a rocking chair and slippers suddenly held far more appeal than a sequinned dress. She’d be letting the side down if she told anyone that, and it might make her friends doubt their own abilities, so she’d painted on a smile instead, dropped a wink and made the sort of comment she was famous for. ‘I’ll have to start making Barry do more of the work in the bedroom!’

The only activity of any kind she wanted to do in the bedroom these days was to sleep. The irony was that despite her exhaustion she was having trouble sleeping, but when Barry reached out to her and brushed a hand against her thigh, she did something she’d never had to do with her husband and had faked it. It wasn’t the kind of faking that involved over-exaggerated moans of pleasure, but a pretence of snoring that was so convincing it would have given Meryl Streep a run for her money.

The antibiotics for her water infection hadn’t been the miracle cure she’d hoped for. There was still a fogginess that hadn’t lifted, the like of which she hadn’t experienced since the menopause, but if she was honest with herself it was even worse this time. There were a host of other symptoms too, a general loss of interest in everything from food to life in general. It was as though the sunshine had gone behind the clouds forever, and the woman who stared back at her in the mirror as she got ready for work looked so much like her mother had in the early stages of her illness.

Gwen had watched Alys slip slowly away into the same kind of fog she was experiencing now, never to return, and she felt as though she was clinging on by her fingertips or she’d follow her mother into that abyss. For now, she was faking other things too, trying to pretend to everyone, even Barry, that she was the same old Gwen, cracking jokes and weighing in with advice whenever she felt it was needed. But it was if she was putting on a show, an actor in her own life story. She was terrified that if she stopped acting, the tenuous grip she had on her old self would slip completely. She couldn’t let that happen.

Heading into the hospital and opening the shop, she greeted everyone she encountered with her usual enthusiasm. No one would have guessed she was nursing a secret fear. Over her years she’d got used to hiding her own emotions in order to still be able to do her job. She’d had to do it all the time when her mother was entering the latter stages of aphasia, and again when her daughter had been left devastated by her fiancé cheating with one of her closest friends, just three months before their wedding. Her heart had broken for her daughter, who’d been so distraught she’d just wanted to curl up and hide from the world. Gwen had given the advice she always did in those kinds of situations and told Sally that the best thing she could do was go out and grab life by the short and curlies, and show her arsehole of an ex-fiancé just what he was missing.

‘I don’t want to meet someone new. I just want my old life back,’ Sally had sobbed in response to her mother’s suggestion.

‘I’m not talking about finding a new partner, at least not a permanent one. You need to road test a few this time around. You wouldn’t buy the first pair of shoes you saw, just because they fit would you? It’s the same with men, especially when your last pair of shoes ended up leaving your feet covered in blisters. You need to make sure the next ones are a perfect fit, not an okay fit. I never thought Dean was anywhere near good enough for you anyway.’ Gwen had laughed when her daughter had widened her eyes in response. ‘But that’s not why I want you to get out there. You wanted to travel before you met Dean, but you didn’t do it because he liked his job and the fact that all his drinking buddies lived nearby. You’ve got nothing holding you back now sweetheart, go out and do what you want to do.’

It had taken another two weeks of sobbing before Sally had started to take on board any of her mother’s advice, and during that time Gwen had felt almost as miserable as her daughter, hating to see how the light had gone out inside the girl who’d always been so full of life. But Gwen had continued to go to work every day, smiling at her colleagues and the women she was supporting through pregnancy and labour. They didn’t want to hear about Gwen’s worries, or feel that her focus was on anything but them and their babies at such a special time. No one would have guessed how worried Gwen was that her daughter might allow an idiot like Dean to ruin her life.

In the end, she needn’t have worried. By the time the date of the wedding came around, Sally had applied to spend the summer as a guidance counsellor for a children’s holiday camp in one of the American national parks. It had been just the start of what had turned in to almost three years of globetrotting and adventure, during which time Sally had met a lovely new partner, with whom she now had three children. She’d told Gwen later that her mother’s positivity had helped convince her that things really would be okay in the end. If Gwen had shown Sally just how hurt she was for her, she might have wallowed in her grief for far longer. It had been proof, if she ever needed it, that a brave face was sometimes all that was needed to carry someone through to better days. And it was the same now. She’d rather maintain the façade that life was all sunshine until she was forced to accept that it wasn’t, and she hoped to God that there really would be better days ahead.

‘Hi Drew.’ Gwen held her hand up in greeting to the man with sandy blond hair, who gave her a shy smile in response. Drew was a pathologist, working in a part of the hospital most people didn’t know anything about, and which they wanted to pretend didn’t exist. No one wanted to think about the morgue, or the people who worked there, but Drew was a lovely man. He was quiet and shy, and he bought the same thing every day, two newspapers – one broadsheet and one tabloid – a packet of wine gums, and a bottle of sparking water. She’d tried tempting him when they’d had special offers on Fruitellas or Chewits, but he never wavered.

‘Just the usual thanks, Gwen.’ He set his purchases down on the counter, and something about the dependability of his routine lifted her heart. Surely she couldn’t be about to face a terrifying diagnosis when life was ticking by the way it always did, with Drew turning up to make his daily purchases. It felt reassuring and safe, even though there was absolutely nothing logical about her thought process.

‘How are you?’ She asked him the same question every time she saw him, and he always give the same answer.

‘Nothing to complain about, how about you?’

She’d been about to respond and tell him she was doing great, the same lie she trotted out to everyone who asked, but her response was cut off by the arrival of Esther and her husband Joe, a consultant psychiatrist.

‘Have you heard the news?’ Esther was beaming, not seeming to realise that she’d cut into Gwen and Drew’s conversation, and Drew was far too polite to say anything. Esther didn’t wait for Gwen to respond either. ‘Aidan and Jase’s baby girl was born last night, in St Piran’s.’

‘How wonderful, but that’s early, isn’t it?’ Gwen was trying to do the calculations in her head, but she just couldn’t shift the fuzziness.

‘Yes, Ellen was hit by a car. It must have been terrifying and it could have been so much worse! She had a badly broken leg and the impact damaged her placenta, so they had to deliver the baby early. They’re both okay, but Ellen’s had surgery and the baby’s in special care. We’re all desperate to meet her, but she can’t have visitors yet, apart from Aidan and Jase. He’s coming down at ten to show us some photos and tell us the baby’s name. Can you get someone to cover the shop, so you can come down?’

‘I’m so glad they’re both okay, although it sounds as if it was really scary for all of them. I wouldn’t miss seeing Aidan’s photos for the world and I’m doing rounds this morning, once Caroline gets in. I’ll make sure I time it so I’m in the emergency department at ten.’ Just the thought of seeing Aidan and witnessing his joy at the arrival of his daughter, lifted Gwen’s mood a bit more. It was a reminder that anything was possible. There was a time when Aidan and Jase had doubted they’d ever be parents, and Ellen’s accident must have been terrifying. She knew Aidan wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from imagining the worst, and she was thrilled it had all worked out okay. She desperately wanted to believe that everything might still be okay for her too.

‘Brilliant, we’ll see you at ten then.’ Esther turned towards Drew, suddenly seeming to notice him for the first time. ‘Sorry for interrupting, I’m just so excited!’

‘No problem. It’s always good to hear happy news.’ Drew smiled and not for the first time Gwen found herself wondering about his life, but he was already halfway out of the shop. ‘See you tomorrow, Gwen.’

‘See you tomorrow.’ She raised her hand in response, wishing everything was as predictable as Drew and the purchases he made at the shop. She wasn’t asking for much, just to be allowed to live her life the way she always had, and she couldn’t bear the thought of letting any aspect of it go.

* * *

Amy hadn’t come down from the high she’d been on since the delivery of Aidan’s daughter, but as overjoyed as she was for her friend, it wasn’t the only reason she had to smile. The kiss she’d had with Lijah had been even better than she’d remembered. He’d been the first person she’d ever kissed. When she’d first started thinking about who her first kiss might be with she’d always pictured it being Justin Timberlake, and she’d practised quite a lot on his poster, but once her friendship with Lijah had deepened, she’d only ever imagined kissing him. Darcy, her best friend at school, had warned Amy that her first kiss – when it eventually happened – probably wouldn’t be up to much.

‘When I kissed Jake Stanford in Year 8, it was like he was trying to take my tonsils out with his tongue.’ Darcy had pulled a face. ‘And there was spit.So much spit.’

Amy had shuddered in response, suddenly wondering if she really wanted to kiss anyone at all, but when she and Lijah had finally moved beyond friendship, she’d realised she was willing to risk a DIY tonsillectomy, as long as he was the one performing it. As it turned out, the kiss had been good, really good, probably made even more so by her low expectations. She tried not to think about just how much experience he might have had to perfect his technique. It probably hadn’t meant anywhere near as much to him, but that first kiss was a pivotal moment for her, a rite of passage she’d known even then would reserve a place in her heart for Lijah Byrne. She hadn’t anticipated just how big a space in her heart he’d end up occupying.

By the time they’d been dating for a few months, she’d allowed herself to hope that although she’d never be his first kiss, she could be his last first kiss. It had been stupid to think that a couple of teenagers could make it, and she’d grieved for the loss of that dream for a long time after they’d split up.

When they’d kissed the night before, she’d realised that a part of her had never stopped grieving for it, because she’d never felt that way about anyone else. She had no idea where this was going, or if the kiss was a one-off, but she was determined not to turn herself inside out trying to work out what it meant. Even if it did turn out to be just one perfect kiss, she was glad it had happened. It had reminded her what it felt like to be with someone she was hugely attracted to. And she knew for certain it was something she hadn’t experienced since Lijah. She also knew she didn’t want to settle for anything less.

Amy wasn’t sure she believed in soul mates, the world was just too big for that. But what she did believe in was the potential to find ‘her person’. She wanted the kind of relationship Gwen and Barry had, still sharing adventures in their seventies. Even though she knew for sure now that Lijah leaving would break her heart again, she was grateful, because it had reminded her that some things were worth risking that kind of pain for.

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