Page 29 of Together Again at the Cornish Country Hospital

‘Now that your plans to become a porter have been derailed, maybe you should consider getting a food truck selling these toasties, although we both know you were born to be a musician. I remember your mum telling me that when she was pregnant, you used to kick like mad as soon as she put some music on.’

‘I love that you know those stories.’ He sounded genuinely touched and as she finally raised her gaze to meet his, her stupid, rebellious body reacted again. ‘No one else I meet from now on is ever going to hear those stories from Mum, or know her like you do. I don’t want to lose touch with you again, Ames. Promise me we won’t do that.’

‘I could make that promise, but once you’re back out on the road…’ It was her turn to shrug, even if the gesture felt anything but casual. ‘You’ll forget all about me.’

‘I could never do that.’ His voice was low, and she had to press her body into the bench, to stop herself edging closer to him.

‘How long are you planning on staying anyway?’ Her words sounded sharp, as if she couldn’t wait to see the back of him and in a way that was true, but not for the reasons he might think.

‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ Amy had expected a smile to accompany his words, but she realised he was frowning. She might be desperate to protect herself, but that didn’t mean she wanted to hurt Lijah in the process.

‘Of course not.’ She bit her lip. She couldn’t tell him the reason she wanted him to leave, not without giving herself away.

‘I know you probably think Port Kara will be a worse place with me here. The press have a way of turning everything into a circus.’ Lijah sounded exhausted and her heart seemed to constrict, as if she could feel his pain in a physical way.

Suddenly she wanted him to know that what he’d done today had made a difference to people. ‘Port Kara isn’t worse for having you around. You might not be cut out for a career in medicine, but it was so lovely that you helped Brenda and Gwen.’

‘Anyone would have done that.’

‘No, they wouldn’t.’ This time she couldn’t stop herself from lifting off her bag and sliding down the bench towards him. ‘I only met Brenda today, but she’s a real character and she’s got a very soft spot for you now. I’ve known Gwen a long time, she volunteers at the hospital and is normally a firecracker too, but there’s something going on that she clearly isn’t ready to tell me about. Today, when she and Brenda were talking about you was the first time I’ve seen her looking anything like her old self in a while. I think the sight of you leaping six feet into the air gave them both a reason to smile.’

‘I’m glad to be of service.’ Lijah laughed, the melancholy that had seemed to cloak him disappearing. ‘To be honest it felt good, helping someone out. I wish I could do more stuff like that. Not just donating money, or promoting a charity, but helping in a practical way.’

‘Why don’t you then?’ Amy was almost certain she knew the answer to her question, but she couldn’t help hoping there was a solution that would allow Lijah to lead some kind of normal life. Then maybe, just maybe, he might be able to stay after all.

‘Without wanting to sound like a total dick, it’s hard when people just see a celebrity and not a person. They’re not interested in the real me.’ Lijah pulled a face. ‘God, that really does make me sound like a dick, doesn’t it? But I just want to get stuck in and do something that really helps, like everyone else.’

‘Brenda didn’t recognise you and I suspect a lot of people of her generation wouldn’t know who you are.’ Amy took a deep breath, wondering if what she was about to suggest was ridiculous, but if Lijah meant what he’d said, maybe it wasn’t so crazy after all. ‘Aidan has decided he wants to do something as a way of saying thank you for the baby’s safe arrival. We came up with this idea of a kind of all-year-round version ofA Christmas Carol.But our version of focusing on the past, the present and the future is to create projects to help those in need across at least three generations. There are so many elderly people who need support, anything from practical help in their homes, to combating loneliness. So if you really want to, you could get involved with that. But I know you’re busy with the album, not to mention helping out with Monty so…’

She’d given him a get-out-of-jail-free card, but he was already nodding. ‘I’m not too busy and I’d love to help, if I can.’

‘That’s great.’ She couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and taking his hand, squeezing it hard to try and counter what felt like the jolt of electricity passing through her body.

‘It would be nice to meet some new people who I know for certain like me for me. I haven’t had that in a long time.’ Lijah grinned suddenly. ‘Or maybe they’ll hate my guts, but at least I’ll know it’s real.’

‘It must be hard having to question people’s motivations all the time.’ Even as Amy thought how much safer it would be if she let go of his hand, she found herself stroking her thumb across his palm instead. It was hardly fifty shades of grey, barely even one shade of vanilla, but there was something so intimate about it and, when their eyes met again, she knew she’d lost the battle.

‘I hate that I have to doubt everyone I meet and I’ve missed this,us, more than I could ever explain.’ Lijah was still looking at her, but Amy couldn’t trust herself to answer. If she did, she was going to blurt out that she’d missed this more than she’d ever have believed possible. She needed to act as if she’d accepted that this thing between them would eventually end, that it was just a fling to be enjoyed while it lasted, to prove to themselves they’d never have gone the distance. That way she might stand a tiny chance of believing her own act and, when whatever this was ended – which it undoubtedly would – it might not completely destroy her. Leaning forward, she kissed Lijah hard, letting her actions do the talking. Suddenly she knew she was willing to pay the price she’d inevitably have to pay, because doing anything else would have meant walking away from Lijah for good, right now, and that was the one thing she just couldn’t do.

18

Lijah had spent three days at Amy’s place, supposedly keeping an eye on Monty, even though the little dog was already zooming around as if nothing had happened. Amy lived in a lovely sunny garden flat in a converted Georgian house. She had a walled garden and the interior of the flat was exactly as Lijah would have imagined it. There was a big squashy sofa, with brightly patterned cushions, and a huge colourful painting that dominated one wall, facing a set of oak shelves with collections of books, plants and quirky ornaments arranged haphazardly. It felt warm and welcoming, and a little bit chaotic, but in the most charming way. It was so like Amy herself, but Lijah suspected she had no idea just what a beautiful space she’d created, just like she had no idea how beautiful she was, but then she’d never been able to see herself the way he could. His breakout hit had been written about her inability to recognise how wonderful she was, and nothing had changed in the past decade.

The attraction between them was as strong as ever, but when he’d tried to talk to her about where they went from here, she’d shut down the promises he’d wanted to make about doing whatever it took to give them a proper chance this time around.

‘Let’s not talk about the future. We just need to enjoy the moment. You don’t know what you’ll be doing in three months’ time, let alone a year from now. Coming back to Port Kara must make it easy to remember all the good times, but it was never enough for you.’ She’d fixed him with a serious look when he’d tried to protest. ‘My life is here and I love it, but you’ve always needed more than that and I doubt very much that’s changed. So let’s just take it a day at a time, and not promise each other anything we might have to go back on.’

In the end he’d found himself agreeing, because he needed to be sure the things he was feeling for Amy were as real as they seemed. Nick had warned him that trying to go back would never work and he desperately wanted to believe that his best friend was wrong, because right now he couldn’t imagine wanting to go anywhere Amy wasn’t. But the truth was he’d left Port Kara and Amy behind once before, despite how much he’d loved her then, and he needed to be sure he wasn’t going to let her down again. He hadn’t felt as if he belonged in Port Kara back then, but the truth was he hadn’t found anywhere since where he’d felt he belonged either. He could just imagine what a therapist would make of that, but he wasn’t going to give them another chance to go poking around inside his head. He’d drawn a veil over that when one of them had advised him to write a letter to his inner child about how his relationship with his father made him feel. If he was going to put pen to paper, he’d rather just channel all of that into writing a song. Lijah had done everything he could to leave that hurt little boy he’d been behind, the one who’d sobbed his heart out on his tenth birthday when his father had decided that his latest girlfriend was worth more than his son. He had absolutely no desire to reignite those feelings again.

It was different for Amy. He could see how much she loved the life she’d built for herself in the time they’d been apart. In so many ways she was the same girl he’d fallen in love with, but different too, stronger and more self-assured. She’d always had this crazy idea that he was out of her league, which he’d never understood. But even if she still didn’t realise how beautiful she was, she seemed to have much more of an idea of her true worth these days. It was easy to see how good Amy was at her job and how much a part of the community she was too. He couldn’t drag her into the life he’d been so desperate to escape, even if she’d been willing to leave; it was too toxic. But as much as he’d loved being back in Port Kara since reconnecting with Amy, he couldn’t pretend the years in between hadn’t happened and so much had changed in the place he’d once called home. All of that meant he still had no idea where he really belonged, and Amy was right, they couldn’t promise each other anything until he worked that out.

Resisting the urge to go snooping while he was at her flat had taken all of Lijah’s self-control. There didn’t seem to be any evidence of Amy having had someone special in her life, not if the photographs that lined the hallway were anything to go by. There were photos of visits to some romantic destinations, including Paris and Vienna, but they featured landmarks, not the kind of selfies couples took to mark a memorable trip together. So, if she’d been with someone on those trips, she clearly didn’t want to remember them. There were lots of photographs of her with friends, some of whom Lijah recognised from the hospital. There were family photographs too, including some of her brother, Nathan, and Lijah couldn’t help the involuntary curl of his lip. He’d witnessed how often Nathan had put Amy down, feeding into the mass of insecurities she’d already had back then. He knew Nathan had issues, and that Amy and the rest of the family had always excused his behaviour as a result, but he had a feeling Nathan used that to get away with being deliberately cruel. Lijah had been forced to walk away on several occasions to stop himself from giving Nathan a few home truths of his own.

He’d just caught sight of a couple of pictures in the hallway that made him catch his breath, when the front door suddenly opened. If Amy was annoyed to find him looking at her photographs, she didn’t show it.

‘That was a good night.’ She gestured towards a picture of the two of them, alongside his mum and Claire, all dressed up for an eighties-themed night that Maria had got them tickets for. They were wearing bright neon outfits with back-combed hair and all four of them were laughing, capturing the kind of genuine joy that photographs often missed.

‘It was brilliant.’ He couldn’t help smiling as he looked at it again. His mum had often joked that she might have ended up marrying Andrew Ridgely, one half of her favourite band when she was growing up, but she’d never even managed to see Wham! in concert, let alone meet her teenage pin-up. She’d always added the caveat that she wouldn’t have swapped any of that for the chance of being Lijah’s mum, but she’d sacrificed so much to bring him up with almost no support from his father. Having the chance to relive the carefree days of her youth always made Maria so happy, and sharing in that had resulted in some of the best memories of Lijah’s life too. Knowing that Amy had been a part of that made him feel even closer to her, and whatever happened between them this time around, it was something they’d always have.

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