Page 81 of Just This Once

“I…” She shakes her head as if to clear it. “I hate that he’s in my life forever. That my kids have to witness that. I always promised myself I wouldn’t put my kids through what I went through, and…”

I sit on the edge of the chair across from her. “You are an amazing mom, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.”

Her throat bobs on a swallow, and I can tell she’s really trying not to cry. I wish she would. I wish she’d give me her tears.

But she doesn’t. Instead, she lets me in on her innermost thoughts, “I want to be a good example for Maddie. I want her to see what a strong woman looks like.”

“You are a force to be reckoned with. You might not feel like it right now, but I can promise you that Maddie knows you fight for her.” I am sure of that because I know what it feels like when your mother doesn’t.

“I want Jake to know what it is to be a good man.” After a moment, she meets my gaze. Her eyes are clear, and her voice is even. “Like you.”

Her words hit me square in the chest, and I press one hand to my heart, the other on my knee when I bend over to catch my breath, all the air knocked from my lungs.

“And I feel like I’m fucking it all up,” she says, another wallop. This time to the gut. Because she’s vocalized that sentiment before, but she’s not fucking it up. She’s doing everything she can, all while convincing herself that it’s not enough.

Thatsheisn’t enough.

“How can I help you?” I ask, standing up, and she licks her lips, sawing her teeth into her bottom one in thought.

“Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing I can do either. I can’t protect my own children because a piece of paper says I have to send them with him. I can’t protect Maddie from hurting. I can’t keep Jake from potential trauma. I am completely powerless.”

“You’re not. You’re resilient and caring and the best mom for your kids, and you should be proud that you’re here. I’m sure it feels like shit sometimes, but you have proven to everyone how strong you are. You are powerful, Taryn.” I take two steps toward her, hoping she’ll finally allow me to comfort her. “What can I do? Make you coffee? Get you candy? Put onI Love Lucy?”

She sniffles, picking at the blanket next to her. “I don’t know.”

It kills me that she feels this way. Her heartache is physical. A visceral thing. Every atom in my body screams to help. To take all of her pain away. She could ask me for anything right now, and I’d do it. Go drive to Barrett’s house and dig his eyes out with a spoon? Absolutely. Build her a castle with a moat where no one would ever be able to get to her? Immediately. Hand over my own heart to her? Yes, please.

“Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

“I told you, there’s nothing you can do. I feel like I failed as a mom, and I need to sit in that for a while.”

But I can’t simply sit here while she’s in distress, so I find her candy stash and then start a pot of coffee. According toher, it’s never too late for caffeine or sugar, and it’s one of the reasons I love her. When I have a mug and some chocolates in hand, I head back to her, depositing them on the side table.

“You didn’t?—”

“I know.” I cut her off. “I didn’t have to, but I always will. If there is only one thing you understand about us, I will alwaysdofor you, Taryn.”

After she’s had a few sips of coffee and eaten one of the chocolates, I take a seat in the chair, mindlessly scrolling on my phone. If she needs to “sit in that for a while,” I will too.

After about fifteen minutes, she squeaks out a noise, and I lift my attention to her, where she’s tapping out something on her cell phone. Without my having to ask, she informs me, “Jake texted. They got to his house, and he said Craig ordered them a pizza, but he pretty much hasn’t said anything else to them.”

“How’s Maddie?”

“According to Jake, she won’t leave his side and it’s, quote ‘bugging the shit out of me.’”

I laugh. “Good.”

Tension visibly seeps out of her as she messages for another minute with her son, and when she finally raises her eyes to me, I smile. “Feeling better?”

She shrugs.

“What else can I do?”

Another shrug.

“I mean right now, duchess. Let me make you feel better right now. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. You have all the power here, so tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”

I don’t think she understands at first, but I can see the change in her posture and the flicker of heat in her gaze when itclicks.

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