Page 47 of Stand By Me

"Sit down, I'll make us some tea."

Clay nodded and did just that, rubbing his hands on his thighs as he burrowed into the familiar cushions.

Then they had another awkward moment when Jake came back with the mugs and sat sideways on the other end of the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest. Clay busied himself with trying to drink tea that he knew was too hot, and from the looks of it, so did Jake. The silence stretched on.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," Clay finally started, ready to admit to his part of this mess. "I needed to think things through, and meanwhile other things happened, and it's been—a lot."

Jake straightened in his seat. "I'm sorry for what I said. I really am. I'm sorry for all of it. I didn't listen to what you were trying to tell me, and I should've. I was too focused on my own feelings." He grimaced. "I thought I was making progress, and I had been, kind of, but then this happened and I went back to being a self-centered jerk."

"Hey, don't do this," Clay chastised him. "I don't need you to call yourself names, and you don't need that, either. You've done a lot of work since we've been back."

"Yeah, well, I needed to do some more after our talk, that's for sure. Because that shitty dig about the job is merely a part of what I'm sorry for, okay? You told me you were trying to build your life anew and I didn't listen. I should've been cheering you on and giving you space, like you had done for me, and I failed at that. I'm sorry."

"Thanks, I appreciate it." Clay relaxed back into the cushions. "I could've been better at texting and all that, but it's not like I know what I'm doing, either, you know?"

Jake shook his head. "I didn't, that's the thing. I came to realize it afterwards, but… I expect you to always know the answers, always know what's best, even if I don't want to hear it. And that's not something I should expect from anyone! That's too much for any person to bear and it's a recipe for disaster."

Clay inhaled deeply as something started to slowly uncurl in his chest.

"Yeah, it's a recipe for disaster, but you're not the only one at fault, here. I've been expecting this from myself as well, and it's been messing with my head for a while now. Because Ilikebeing the guy with the answers. I like coming in and fixing things, and we both know I'm a control freak in some ways—"

"Some ways," Jake whispered, barely audible, but they both chuckled at that, and it cracked the tension in the room, allowing Clay to breathe in a little easier.

"Yeah, well. I appreciate a controlled environment. And we had that in Switzerland for a long time. I got used to it. I guess I forgot how many things I can't really control, so it's been an adjustment. Before you say it, yes, I'm glad we're back. I don't regret it, at all. It's simply that—an adjustment."

"I should've realized that just because things fell into place for me, it didn't mean they did for you," Jake said with a shake of his head. "You were telling me about it in different ways, but it didn't hit me until it was too late."

"To be fair, it didn't hit me, either, until I said it out loud. I was mostly focused on the job search for a while, and only once that was done, I started thinking about other things. Hell, I didn't start thinking more seriously about finding a partner until after—"meeting Mario.

Damn. Another thing Clay had figured out by talking out loud.

"After what?" Jake asked with a tilt of his head.

Clay cleared his throat and took a sip of his tea.

"I'll tell you later. Anyway, it didn't hit me for the longest time, either. All I knew was that I was floundering, and while I tried to do my best, things weren't clicking into place. Finding the job at KRK was actually the first real click, you know?"

"Yeah. The offer at Smithsonian was like that for me, too."

Clay nodded. "And once you got that, other things had slowly fallen into place. I hope it will be like that for me, too, but I'm not there yet. I'm making progress, but there's a lot still in the air and it needs my attention. I don't want you to feel like I'm neglecting you, but I also can't focus on you the way I could before."

"I understand," Jake said. "I really do, now. As your friend, I don't really want you to pause your entire life to be available for me, that's… That's awful, and I behaved like a jerk."

"We were both used to things being different," Clay offered. "And as good as it is to be back, it's also important to acknowledge that many things were easier, back then. Not better, but definitely easier."

Jake ran a hand through his hair. "I needed that for a while, but I don't need—or want—that now."

"Yeah. Same."

The quiet admission echoed inside Clay's head after he said it. He thought about his family and the life he'd left behind when he'd followed Jake abroad. His brother had already hated him, his longest relationship recently ended, and there was no telling where the Secret Service would send him next, if he'd stayed.

He'd needed a change almost as much as Jake had, back then. But not anymore.

"I still don't think limiting our texts is the way to go, though," Jake said, pulling Clay back to here and now. "And not only for me, but for the both of us. I want to be your support system, too. That's how it's supposed to go, right? You're not a guy with all the answers and I'm not a needy man child anymore." He paused, making a face. "Well, most of the time."

"Stop that." Clay kicked him lightly. "But you're right about the rest. It's good for me, too. Erasing you from my life or replacing you was never my intention."

"It better not," Jake told him, but then grew serious again." You could lean on me more, you know?"

---