Page 63 of Stand By Me

"So you knew and did it anyway?"

Clay met his brother's gaze straight on. "Yeah. It's—It's Mario. I'm not joking around, I'm not with him to piss you off. I want him. I want a real thing with him. I'm sorry that it does piss you off, but that's not something I'm going to apologize for. We're all grown-ups, we should start acting like it."

Ben huffed, but it didn't sound as angry as usual. "You mean me. I should start acting like a grown man."

Duh, Clay thought but didn't say.

"I know you have your issues with me, and I'm sure me being with Mario doesn't help. But you and Mario…" He shook his head. "You've had each other's backs for almost twenty years. Who he dates should not be something that makes or breaks you."

"It's easy for you to say," Ben said into the cup in his hands.

Clay thought about his friendship with Jake and how hard it was to figure themselves out.

"Nothing about this is easy," he told his brother. "Grown-up friendships, and relationships in general, aren't always easy, at least from my experience."

"What, you and Jake had problems like that?"

Clay immediately tensed, but then realized Ben wasn't antagonizing him this time. He was genuinely asking.

"Yeah," Clay finally admitted, trying to choose words carefully. "Not about who we date or anything, but… Yeah, we've had our issues. We worked through some and we're working through others. Just like you and Mario, I'm sure. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it doesn't mean it's bad." He paused and forced himself to meet Ben's gaze. "And you and me… I know it's far from easy, but I think we could get to 'easier', you know? If you ever want to talk to me—not antagonize me, like you've been doing—but actually talk to me, I'm here. I'll listen. I'll do my part. I promise you that."

"Why?"

The question came out so quiet that Clay wasn't sure he was supposed to hear it, but he did.

He swallowed hard, wishing this whole thing didn't hurt so much.

But at least he knew, now, how they'd ended up here.

"Because you're my brother and I love you." Clay stared at Ben's bent head as he forced the rest out. "I know I made mistakes with you, I know I messed up, but I was trying my best, you know? I was trying to keep my head above water and help out Mom as much as I could. I guess somewhere along the line I became the annoying, unwanted quasi-parent. That wasn't my intention. All I ever wanted from you was to be your brother. Not your father, not your warden, definitely not your enemy."

Ben ran a hand over his face, but didn't look up.

"You left, though. You chose—" He cut himself off. "You left for over a decade."

Clay sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. We can talk about that at some point, too, if you want, but that's a longer conversation, and we can't do that, honestly, if you're not ready to accept two things. One, I wasn't choosing Jake over you—or Mom, for that matter. That had never been a competition. And two, our relationship was messed up before I left. Me taking that job wasn't what caused the mess—it made it worse, I'll give you that one, but it didn't cause it. And I didn't know it would go like that."

He'd actually thought it might do them some good, but Ben wasn't ready to hear it, and Clay needed to think it over, too. Apparently, he hadn't noticed things that were right under his nose, so he had his own work to do, here, as well.

"How could you not—" Ben started, glancing up, then paused as their gazes met. His eyes were obviously red, but Clay knew he had to pretend not to notice it or Ben would clam up again. "It's hard to see it from your perspective," he finally said with a huff, sagging against the cushions.

"Yeah." Clay straightened in his seat. "I bet. It's been hard trying to see it from your perspective, too, actually, so I know the feeling. I'm not expecting you to agree with me on everything, by the way. I'm honestly willing to have a real conversation about this whole thing. But I need you to meet me half-way, otherwise we'll be both shouting into the void."

When Ben didn't say anything to that, Clay went on.

"You could start with believing that I'm not out to get you, and that I'm not trying to steal Mario from you—I couldn't if I tried, but I wouldn't, period."

Ben made a face, then squared his shoulders.

"It's not easy to be a grown-up when my impulse is to shout 'Go away, he's mine, he's all mine!'," Ben admitted with a sour expression that lightened up a bit when Clay laughed.

Years ago, when they were kids and only fought about regular kid stuff, Clay tried to fend off his younger brother exactly like that every time Ben wanted to take his toys right when Clay was playing with them.

Now, that little joke was enough to ease up some tension, and Clay found himself relaxing a bit. He appreciated Ben making an effort, too.

"You're a doctor now, man. I'm sure you can pull off a grown-up act from time to time."

Ben chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. "With anyone but you, it looks like."

---