Page 17 of Find Me Again

Neil snorted. What kind of a question was that?

"Are you serious? How could I not go?"

"Chicago wasn't even on your list," Ryan pointed out. "Imean, I get it, it must have been cool to get a call—"

"Yes, it's freaking 'cool' when one of the best coaches in college hockey calls you!"

"But why didn't you tell me? What the hell?" Ryan grimaced and shook his head, as if Neil was a ten-year-old who disappointed him by not studying for a test or something. "Why didn't you talk to me about it and—"

"It wasn't your decision to make!" Neil erupted, suddenly no longer tired but angry instead, desperately searching for a way out. He didn't want to have this conversation or make any plans other than leaving this town behind and playing hockey somewhere where his dreams could come true.

Ryan reared back, leaning away from Neil so much he almost dropped his balance.

"It wasn'tmydecision, but we talked about—"

"You wanted this!" Neil jumped out of the back of the truck and faced Ryan. "You wanted to plan this whole thing out, as if we could predict everything! We couldn't! I didn't expect this, sure, but I'd be damned if I said no to this offer becauseyoudon't like it."

"It's true, then." Ryan curled his hands on the edge of the truck and lifted his chin. "You've already decided."

Yes. No.

Shit, maybe he'd decided the second he'd gotten that call.

"This is all I ever wanted!" And the stricken look on Ryan's face should've probably stopped him right there, but it didn't, because his heart was racing, he wanted to jump out of his skin, and Ryan just didn't get it. He'dnevergotten it. "You know I want to play in the NHL, and in Chicago I have an actual shot at it, not a pipe dream about some lucky shot about being in the right place at the right time! What would you want me to do, give it up to, what? Go to Boston? Or Richmond? They aren't even in the same league!"

Neil had been the one to put them on the list, and they weren't bad or anything, but they weren't Chicago, that was for sure.

"Does it even matter what I think, now?" Ryan asked quietly, and he was trying to be calm, but his hands were clenched so hard around the edge of the truck and his shoulders so hunched that Neil knew better.

Still, he crossed his arms against his chest and didn't say anything.

What could he possibly say, anyway? Ryan's opinion had always mattered, but in this, Neil couldn't let it overrule his.

"So that's it, huh?" Ryan turned his head away until Neil couldn't see his face anymore. "You've got your dream shot, and you're taking it, and to hell with everything else?"

It wasn't fair. Ryan didn't understand, because he didn't know what to do with his life yet, but Neil did. Was that so bad? That he actually had something to lose here and couldn't solely focus on his high school boyfriend he couldn't even kiss in public and who, most likely, wouldn't want to stay in the closet forever, not like Neil would have to?

Maybe it had all been heading to this point, anyway. Maybe they had been doomed from the start, but neither had wanted to say it before now. Before there was something bigger at stake, a real shot at something.

"I'm sorry," he finally offered, calm now, in that weird, dull way it sometimes got when he was tired of being angry and had to resign himself to reality.

And hewassorry. He hadn't planned on any of this, he hadn't planned on Chicago, he hadn't planned on… dumping Ryan.

Because that was what was happening here.Shit.

His stomach hurt, and the sun was shining right into his eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to go home, crawl intohis bed, and not deal with any of this.

It seemed like forever before Ryan turned back, but even then he didn't meet Neil's gaze. He only nodded, a sharp tilt of his head, before he gestured towards the passenger door of the truck.

"I'll get you home," he said, voice tight and hollow, and Neil swallowed, wanting to fix this and knowing that he couldn't.

Not anymore.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Back to now

Ryan held his breath until he no longer saw Neil's rental in his rearview mirror.

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