Page 18 of Find Me Again

Damn. What was he thinking?

He should've driven away the moment he'd seen Neil. Or maybe after they'd exchanged nods, like two polite people who kind of knew each other and were passing each other on their way.

He shouldn't have stayed and talked with Neil as if everything was fine. As if his stupid, greedy heart had actually learned better.

But he didn't leave, and they did talk, and now Ryan was in deep trouble.

You can't do this to yourself, not again, he kept repeating in his head as he drove off. Neil might have the charisma Ryan found hard to resist—both back then and now—but Ryan was smarter these days.

Hopefully.

He'd better be, because in a few weeks, he was getting on a plane back to DC, to return to his regular life that definitely didn't have Neil Hopkins in it. And Neil Hopkins had his own glamorous life in Georgia, one that had nothing to do with Ryan's. They'd met, they'd talked, and now they were moving on. It could take another twelve years for them to meet again.

Or not, the traitorous voice in the back of his mind suggested. Maybe it didn't have to be like this, maybe they could…

That was a dangerous road to go down, though. Ryan couldn't help the curiosity—a part of him was, had been, andwould forever be curious about the first boy he'd ever loved. But he didn't have to give into it. He didn't need to know more, hear more, or talk to Neil more.

He had his own life, his people, his job. He hadn't found love yet, but he had time, still. He would keep searching, keep hoping, and, with any luck, it was going to happen.

He didn't need to drag old skeletons out of the closet—or into it, as it were.

He didn't.

He just needed to remember that.

* * *

With a sigh, Ryan put the book away and stared at the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room.

Adjusting to extended time off was always weird, but this time, it felt even weirder. For one, he wasn't at his parents' house with the family, but here, at his brother's place, which meant he was alone way more than usual during his visits. Normally, he would have glimpses of alone time here and there, and even those would often be accompanied by the voices coming from down the hall or interrupted by somebody asking for his attention.

Here, like this, it was only him, in a fairly unfamiliar place, left to do whatever he wanted and struggling to figure out what it meant at any given moment.

He read. He watched TV. He texted with James, and Clay, and hung out on the company's internal group chat for a bit. He looked through the photo albums displayed on the shelves, because he hardly ever saw one these days and there was something special about seeing his brother's family grow. He'd never wanted kids for himself, but he loved his nieces a lot, so seeing their journey from being a few hours old to a couple ofweeks ago was amazing. As was seeing his brother and Sally, George's high school sweetheart, still so happy together after all that time.

It hurt a bit, too, of course, but still. High school couples rarely stayed together for the long haul, so it was nice to see George getting his happy ending. Statistically, it was no wonder Ryan hadn't, even without taking into account the whole secret and gay part of his first relationship.

Determined not to wallow in his feelings, he rolled off the couch to go for a run and clear his head. Later, he would drive to his parents again, but getting some exercise before stuffing himself full was definitely the right idea.

The nearby park was a great space for people with kids, with play areas for children of different ages and picnic tables where whole families could spend time outside when it was warmer. There was also a path circling the entire park, though, and a few laps should give Ryan a nice workout. He hadn't ran outdoors in a long while, since he usually worked out in the gym facilities at the company's HQ, which were more convenient and often came with other team members there to keep him in check.

He smiled at the thought of their group at KRK. Not even back in the service had he had a team that gelled so well together. While the guys from his unit were fine, and he would still trust them with his life, there was something that elevated the KRK's bunch to another level. Ryan had never thought that being gay or bi was an important characteristic of a friend, but now that he was a part of a group that had similar life experience as him and knew what it was like to be queer in a military environment, things were different. He felt safe and settled, like he was in the right place for himself.

That feeling hadn't changed even after his field partner had finally started dating Eddie, their comms specialist. Ryan had been rooting for them for a long time—which included trying topush James into finally making a move—but it was still a relief that nothing much had changed in their little group dynamic, since his friends never made him feel excluded.

Even if it might have taken Ryan a while to find his place in the world, he was happy to have it now. And no matter what happened during this break, no matter the nostalgia or whatever this was, he had a home to come back to.

His life wasn't here anymore. He was going to be fine.

* * *

Tonight, the dinner at his parents' house was a quiet affair, with just the three of them, since his grandparents and aunt had gone out to see a movie. As Ryan relaxed into the cushions with a contented sigh, stuffed with two servings of the green bean casserole, he reminded himself for probably the fifth time since he'd gotten here that he should take the home cooking more seriously back in DC. Each time he visited, he always left with a resolution to try harder at this, but then it all fell apart soon after between his job and other stuff.

And yet, he kept hoping that the lesson would finally stick at some point.

"I've talked basically through the entire dinner." His mom sat down next to him on the couch, tucking one foot underneath her as she faced him. "Now it's your turn to entertain me."

Ryan chuckled, but shifted to see her better as well.

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