Page 20 of Find Me Again

"I never asked about it after he left," she said, sending him that parentalwatch itlook. "Or when you came out to us."

Ryan had to focus hard on not freezing up. Too obvious a reaction and she'd have it confirmed whether he liked it or not.

"Or at any point after that. But I'm wondering if you'd ever gotten a chance to… settle things."

"Today was the first time we've talked in over a decade, Mom. We're not even acquaintances these days, so it was simply a polite conversation of two people who probably won't see each other for another however many years. That's it. There's nothing more to say about it, entertaining or not," he added at the end, trying for humor, but she didn't even crack a smile, instead reaching out and squeezing his hand.

"Well, if there ever is—about any of it, past or present—I'll listen to you, okay? Always."

"Okay." He put his free hand on top of hers. "I love you. Always."

This, at least, was easy to say.

CHAPTER NINE

The night after seeing Ryan, Neil slept better than he had in weeks. He didn't know why, it wasn't like there was some kind of a breakthrough or anything, they'd had a normal conversation—

Which, to be fair, could be considered a breakthrough, since they hadn't had one of those in twelve years.

Twelve years. It felt like a lifetime, especially yesterday, when he looked at Ryan and saw both a man he had become and traces of the boy Neil had known and… loved.

Rolling over, Neil hid his face in the pillow. Of course he'd loved Ryan. Of course. Ryan had been his best friend, his secret boyfriend… his first everything. Over the years, Neil had sometimes doubted that love, questioned whether it could've been that, if it had all fallen apart like it had. He'd done it as a way to make it easier for himself, to justify that impossible choice he'd made years ago when he left, but in the end, it was all bullshit. No matter how it had ended, Neil had loved Ryan to a stupid degree.

What was worse, a part of him always would. There was no Neil without Ryan in his past, in some of the things he'd done and choices he'd made.

Seeing him yesterday felt like having a rug pulled out from under him and, at the same time, like being given an unexpected gift. Whatever happened from here on out, their break-up fight wouldn't be the last thing they'd ever said to each other anymore.

And maybe that was the breakthrough that allowed him to sleep so well. Neil didn't have to wonder anymore what it would be like to face Ryan, what he would say or do when it happened.Now he knew. He could question, analyze, and beat himself up over it, but he knew.

Was it any surprise, then, that he also wished he could see Ryan again?

Pushing away that thought, Neil got up and headed to take a shower, where he stared at the tiles and resolutely did not think about anything specific while dealing with his morning erection. After that, he dressed in his comfiest sweatpants and an old hoodie, and went down to the kitchen, only to see his parents still enjoying breakfast, and Ken raising his head from his place near the oven and thumping his tail at the sight of Neil.

"We waited for you for a bit, but then we were too hungry," his mom said, and he waved her off as he paused to rub Ken's belly.

"Don't worry, I didn't expect you to wait, what with my weird sleep schedule and all." He squeezed her shoulder on his way to the coffee pot. "I thought you'd be finished by now, actually."

His dad shrugged. "Yeah, well, sometimes we have a late start as well. We don't have much on our plates for today, so why hurry."

Neil smiled and toasted him with his coffee mug before sitting down and digging into the bread basket. His parents went back to talking about the holiday fair, which required only minimal input on his part, letting him eat his breakfast in peace.

When he was about done with his food, his phone pinged with a text message notification. Without thinking, he took it out and unlocked it, only to inhale sharply at the sight of a message from Josh.

I heard you left town very mature If you think it changes ath youre wrong youre running out of time but enjoy your fucking holiday while you can

"Neil?" he heard his father as if he was in a tunnel. "Are youokay?"

For several seconds, all he could do was blink. Slowly, he put his phone away and slid his hand under the table so his parents wouldn't see it trembling.

"Neil, what is it?" His mom leaned closer, but he couldn't say anything, his throat too tight.

Then his father curled his hand around Neil's wrist and tightened his grip, snapping him to attention.

"Breathe, Son. Come on, just breathe."

He met his father's gaze and tried to listen, tried to match the rhythm of his breathing to his father's, until he finally got it. Relaxing a fraction, Neil took another shaking inhale.

"I'm good," he said, but it came out more like a croak.

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