Page 28 of Find Me Again

But Neil was starting to realize that he'd been kidding himself, thinking that the two of them could manage a conversation—especially one on something as important as this—and nothing else. They'd exchanged mostly pleasantries up on the hill, and yet Neil could barely stop thinking about it. How could he expect that this talk would be better, not worse?

Once again, he hadn't done enough thinking on the issue.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Still, they were here, the tea was ready, and it was time to get them back on track. A wobbly track, Neil could readily admit now, but still, a track.

When he turned, a mug in each hand, Ryan caught his gaze and slowly untangled himself from Ken.

"I'm sorry," he murmured at the unhappy huff from Ken. "I'm not going far, you see? You can totally come with me, if you want. I promise to pet you some more later on."

As Ryan sat down on the closest chair, Ken huffed one more time, but then pushed himself up on all fours and took those few steps to lean against Ryan's legs. Since he wasn't strong enough to stay in a sitting position for long, he would probably end up lying down at Ryan's feet soon.

And Neil wouldn't blame him.

Fuck. He put the mugs down on the table too hard, but thankfully didn't spill anything.Get it together.

"Okay," Ryan said, prompting Neil to look up. "Let's get to it. What did you want to talk about?"

Neil curled his hands around his too-hot mug.

This was it. This was what he wanted. Now he just needed to open his damn mouth and speak.

He took a deep breath.

Here goes nothing.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Coming to the Hopkins' house had been harder than Ryan had expected, so after taking in everything that had changed and everything that hadn't, he was enormously grateful for Ken's presence. He definitely needed the support, and in turn, was willing to give Ken all the cuddles.

Ryan also needed to push things along, though. He wanted answers, and he wanted them now.

Unfortunately, Neil only tensed further at his prompting. The silence stretched between them again, and Ryan rubbed his free hand over his thigh, unable to sit still.

"What's it like?" Neil finally blurted out, glancing between Ryan and the mug he was holding. "Being out, I mean."

Ryan's heart skipped a beat, then quickened his rhythm right after.

That was… not what Ryan had expected. He'd had some ideas, earlier, about what it could've been about, but he'd clearly guessed wrong.

As his nostrils flared, he needed to consciously relax his grip on Ken before he could hurt him by accident.

"That's what you wanted to talk about?" Ryan slumped back in his chair. He had so many questions, but he also didn't know if he wanted to hear the answers now. "You wanted me to be your fucking coming out buddy?"

Swallowing hard, Neil looked to the side, and Ryan was tempted to call him a coward, to get in his face and remind him that no matter his fame, this, right here, was still something he had no idea how to do.

But it would be stupid, and childish, and Ryan expected more from himself than to lash out when hurt.

He'd grown up. If he could take any solace in this situation, it was the fact that he wasn't the boy he'd been twelve years ago in many ways, including the one where his emotions and self-worth weren't so dependent on the man in front of him anymore.

"No, I— I'm sorry." Neil shook his head before meeting Ryan's gaze. "I should've started with that, but I freaked out." He paused to take a deep breath. "First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what just happened, but I'm also sorry for the way I behaved twelve years ago."

"What exactly are you sorry for from back then?"

Ryan could hear that his tone was harsher than before, but it was too late to change it now.

Neil snorted humorlessly. "Yeah, that's fair. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for handling all of what happened so badly."

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