Page 29 of Find Me Again

"But you're not sorry for going," Ryan said, because he needed to hear it.

Neil tightened his grip on the mug and looked away again.

"No," he finally said. "I'm not sorry for that."

Ryan closed his eyes for a moment, the rush of anger leaving him as quickly as it had come.

"Okay," he whispered.

A second passed, then another, and when Ryan opened his eyes, Neil was staring right at him with a frown.

"Okay?"

"Yeah." Ryan shrugged. "I always knew you weren't sorry for that part. There was a time when I hoped you'd be, but I still knew better."

"Then why ask now?"

"Because I wanted to see if you're being honest with me. About the rest, I mean."

Neil sat back at that. "You didn't believe I was sorry for hurting you?"

"What I believe doesn't really matter, because I've been wrong about trusting you before." Ryan crossed his arms as he rested them on the table. "I learned that it was better safe than sorry."

"That's—" Neil ran a hand through his hair and leaned forward again. "I can't even argue that, can I? That's completely fair. For what it's worth, I am sorry. I was never proud of the way I acted back then. That was a shitty thing to do, not only to my boyfriend but also to my best friend."

Something unraveled in Ryan's chest, an old, tight knot loosening at last, and the hitch in his breath told him he better change the subject soon or this would become embarrassing.

"I believe your apology now. We can—" He unwound himself and grasped his mug, letting the heat from it slowly spread through his body. "—move on from that."

Can we, really?he wondered a moment later, and the similar sentiment was there on Neil's face, but neither of them said it out loud.

Only time would tell, after all.

What Ryan was sure about, however, was that he didn't want to hold onto that grudge or that pain forever. He definitely didn't want to feel like he was that eighteen-year-old again, wondering why he'd been so easily discarded by the one person who was supposed to never do that.

"So," he finally said when it didn't seem like Neil would. "Are you thinking about coming out?"

He wished he didn't immediately assume there was a man Neil was doing it for, someone who made him happy and safe enough to be open about who he was. But they weren't living in a perfect world, not by a long shot, so Ryan was stuck with the reality in which he assumed exactly that.

"Yeah, it's… complicated. And sudden." Neil pursed his lips. "I wasn't planning on it, not for a long while yet, but I haveno choice now, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it. I didn't want to blurt that out, though, honestly."

"Someone is forcing you to do this?" Ryan sat up straighter. Ken grumbled at that, then lay down at his feet, but Ryan hardly noticed.

It was one thing to want your partner to come out, but to force them—

"Not in that way! I'm not… There's no one…" Neil hung his head and stared at his mug. "I didn't want to get into this, but I guess I can't escape it. There's a guy I slept with who is threatening to out me if I don't do what he wants."

Ryan inhaled sharply.

"No, wait," Neil hurried, looking up again. "It's not, like, dangerous or anything. It's just his Hail Mary for the shit he's gotten himself into. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I decided to come out myself, so he can't touch me."

"It doesn't matter."

As if.

"It does matter, Neil! This shit isn't legal, someone is threatening you—"

"And what am I going to do, go to the police?" Neil snorted. "They won't do anything other than leak the story themselves, and I'm screwed either way. If I do this, at least I have a say in it."

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