Page 30 of Find Me Again

"Not enough say," Ryan grumbled, but he leaned against the table and took a sip of his tea.

"I thought you were all for coming out," Neil said, then grimaced immediately. "Sorry. Sorry, that was uncalled for."

Ryan rubbed his forehead, forcing down the flare of irritation.

"I'm all for coming out when it's a personal decision a person makes for themselves."

"I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't… I'm stressed out, and I keep saying stupid shit."

"I can imagine." Ryan paused. Could he, really? He wasn't so sure. "I mean, I know how stressful it is to come out when you want to do it, so this has to be ten times worse."

Neil stared down at his mug again before taking a sip of his tea.

"It's not like I've never thought about it. I have. But I've always pushed it far into the future, after I retire and the fallout can't hurt me much. There's no pushing it off anymore, though. While I may lose my career over this either way, him coming forward first would be way worse, so I guess I'm salvaging what I can. If it's the end, I want to at least be prepared and do it right. And if it's somehow not the end, I need to be prepared even more, because everyone's eyes will be on me."

Ryan grimaced. Progress had been made in many different ways, but professional hockey was still a bastion of silence. There were a few guys who came out young or after they retired, but as far as he knew, there had never been a player who came out at the height of his career. Ryan purposefully didn't follow hockey news, but he would certainly hear about it, if it happened.

"What do you want to know, then?" he asked, returning to Neil's first question.

Over the years, Ryan had talked to a few people about his experience of coming out, but he'd never expected to do it with Neil. Still, no matter how angry he'd been earlier, he would never say no this. He couldn't.

Well, okay, he wasn't a saint. He might have said no if he'd known Neil was doing this for another guy, but only because it would hurt too much. He'd worked hard over the years to learn how not to disregard his own boundaries for other people, after all.

"I'm not sure, actually," Neil admitted after a long stretch of silence, during which Ryan drank his tea and enjoyed theweight of Ken on his feet, even though he knew he'd pay for not moving them for so long later on. "Whatever you want to tell me, I guess."

Since that didn't narrow it down at all, Ryan decided to switch it up a little.

"Okay. Have you ever come out to anybody close to you? Not a sexual partner, but a friend, a family member, a colleague? I'm not judging," he added quickly. "I'm only trying to figure out where to start."

Neil nodded. "I told my parents a few days ago."

Ryan smiled at that. Neil's parents were good people and they loved their son a lot, so that was a good start.

"However, that's not duplicable," Neil went on, "because it turns out they'd figured it out already, and I didn't have to explain much."

Ryan would have happily heard the details of the story—had they known back in high school? Had they suspected what his own parents suspected about the two of them?—but he pushed it away. This wasn't about him and his curiosity, after all.

"It's still important that they reacted well," he pointed out.

"Yeah, of course. Of course it matters. I can't imagine what I would've done if they reacted badly." Neil looked down at his mug again. "It was… It was good."

"My parents and my brother were the first ones I told in person. It was right before I left for the boot camp, and it really helped to have them be supportive. They were worried, of course, but it was more about me potentially being harassed because of it than anything else."

Neil tilted his head. "Wait, in person? Have you told someone not in person first?"

"Yeah." Ryan ran his teeth over his lower lip. "During the last months of high school, I got involved in an on-line community, and we talked about a bunch of stuff. It turned outquite a few people there were either gay, or bi, or trans, so it was easier to admit that I was gay as well. Their support meant a lot."

And they helped him deal with the heartbreak and the loneliness even more than with the issue of wanting to come out but not knowing how, especially without accidentally outing Neil as well.

Neil opened his mouth, then paused and took another sip of his tea.

Maybe he, too, wanted to ask questions they had no right to ask each other anymore.

Or maybe Ryan was projecting.

"After that, I kept it pretty quiet, since I was on active duty," he went on. "With time, some of my friends found out, too, but mostly by accident or due to their observation skills, not any real plan to share on my part. Then I told my grandparents on Christmas break four years ago, and it went well. I wouldn't say they'd known, but they weren't shocked or anything. After that, I allowed my parents and grandparents to tell other family members, and the news spread quickly. I didn't mind people knowing anymore, I simply didn't want to be the one having to tell everybody and answer questions they might have. From what I heard, there was only a little grumbling and the culprit, my uncle, was quickly shut down by my grandpa."

"It sounds smooth enough," Neil offered quietly.

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