Page 31 of Find Me Again

"Yeah, I definitely didn't have it bad or anything. Still, it weighs on you. It's stressful. You may think you know how people would react, but until you're going through this, you don't actually know for certain. And it's… I don't know, sometimes I got angry that I had to do it in the first place, just so they were prepared in case I ever brought a guy home or whatever."

Neil frowned briefly, but Ryan only shrugged.

"In the end, I didn't realize how stressful it all really was until I started working at my current job and found out that mostof my coworkers were queer, too," he went on and chuckled at Neil's incredulous expression. "I know, right? I didn't expect it, either, but it's true. And it's not, like, a prerequisite to getting the job or anything, but I do believe it's self-selecting on some level. If someone has a problem with it, they don't last long, and those who might need it, hear about the company through the grapevine. At this point, I think the whole industry knows."

"And the clients?"

"I don't know. Either way, they can't argue with our track record. KRK Security is relatively small, and yet we're one of the most sought-after private security companies in DC. I'm sure there are people who would never work with us in a million years, but that's fine, because we wouldn't want to, either. Any prospective client can take us or leave us, and we'll be fine. While there's certain freedom in that, of course, for me the most freedom comes from the company culture. With a bunch of my male friends having boyfriends or partners, nobody cares that I want one as well. Even better, they'll cheer me on." He smiled down at the mug. "I didn't realize how important it would be to have my own little gay tribe, but I love it."

Ryan looked up, only to lose his smile when he took Neil in—he was staring at the table with hunched shoulders and a frown.

Damn it.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Hearing Ryan describe his work environment was like hearing something out of a fairytale. Neil had absolutely zero chance for something even remotely similar and the gnawing in his stomach only grew bigger.

"Hey, don't overthink it," Ryan said, prompting Neil to meet his gaze. "I get that you're not going to have that, and that's not your goal. I was trying to share my story, but maybe I focused too much on the good parts. If you want to hear more about the struggles of a closeted gay soldier, I can talk about that, too."

He was almost flippant about it, but there was an undercurrent of sincerity in his words. Yeah, he might have it good now, but he hadn't always. And Neil pretending as if he was the only one who struggled was honestly stupid.

"No, don't worry about it," he told Ryan. "I'm happy for you, I really am. It seems like you found your tribe twice, one on-line and one off. That's cool."

That earned him a big grin.

"I haven't thought about the similarities, but you're right. I've been lucky like that. I'm serious about knowing a thing or two about the darker side of things, too, though. Since most of my friends are former military, we all have shitty stories from our past, so I'm not trying to sugar-coat it for you. Some people are going to be the absolute worst and throw some horrid shit your way, stuff you have never heard before, even after losing a big game. But that's the assholes out there, and you have little control over that. I'd focus on what's closer—your team, both the players and the management. How do you think they're going to react? Do any of them know?"

"Well, it's in the Vault," Neil said with a grimace, then caught Ryan's frown and quickly explained. "The Vault is where any scandal that a player may cause goes. After signing anyone up, the team's PR people sit him down and ask whether or not he has any shit that needs to be handled or monitored, because they want to be ready—it can be anything from drug or gambling problems, ex-wives or girlfriends, to, well, ex-boyfriends, I guess." He drank the rest of the tea. "It's like 'tell us now, and it's fine, but don't let us find out later' kind of a situation. Then, every once in a while, they ask if there's anything they need to be made aware of, but mostly they expect us to fess up by ourselves."

Ryan stared at him for so long that Neil had to stop himself from squirming in place.

"What?" he finally asked.

"I don't know if that's the safest strategy or the most dangerous one."

Neil snorted. "It can be both, I guess."

"And you— And people really tell them stuff? Without worrying that they'd cut you from the team or bench you or whatever?"

"Well, it is by no means a perfect system. But from what I've seen, it truly is much better when the team already knows than when something blows up and they had no idea."

"So that's why you told them?"

"That, and the fact that I had no intention of coming out which, frankly put, worked in my favor. If they wanted to keep all the gay or bi guys out of the league, they would have to cut too many players out from their prospects and they know it. Since I planned to stay in the closet until I retire, I was a relatively safe bet, because they knew I'd be careful about my private life for my own good as well."

Neil glanced towards the windows and saw it was snowingagain and getting dark already.

"Mostly, though," he went on, "it was that 'better safe than sorry' strategy. I knew there was no way somebody from the team wouldn't find out about me sooner or later. Even if I wanted to remain completely celibate—which I didn't—there was a possibility of me sharing too much while drunk or sleep-deprived. In the end, the management keeps a close eye on us. They know things about us that the other players don't." He shrugged. "All I had to do was prove myself on the ice, day after day, so they'd want to keep me around, closet or not."

Ryan looked only slightly less perplexed than before, but finally he downed the rest of his tea and met Neil's gaze.

"Okay, so if I understand correctly, your parents know and are fine with it, your team knows and is civil about it—at least the higher-ups, the ones making decisions. So, what are you most afraid of?"

"Not being able to play anymore."

The answer had been right there all along, at the tip of his tongue, and he did nothing to stop it. What would be the point, after all?

"Figured," Ryan said with a nod. "So, your main problem is how to keep the bosses happy enough so they let you keep playing."

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