Page 36 of Find Me Again

"We both know it stopped me at least once," he said, forcing himself not to look away.

He was rewarded with seeing Ryan's eyes widen, but then they dimmed.

"Yeah, well."

And it was the first time ever that he'd seen Ryan dismissing what they had, pushing it aside. Back then, he wouldnever do that and would never let Neil do it, either.

Not that Neil had tried to, at least until the very end. They'd both always made sure they could fitthemaround everything else, the school, hockey, other friends.

It felt wrong to hear Ryan like this now, an echo of that defeated tone Neil had heard only once before, when Ryan had realized what Neil picking Chicago had meant.

"You know I loved you, right?" Neil asked now, the words falling out of his mouth in a desperate rush, because he needed Ryan to know, needed him to understand that it had never been lack of love that had led him to make that decision back then.

Ryan quickly turned his face away.

"I know," he whispered. "I had my doubts at various points over the years, but—I know. I do."

"Good." Neil's voice was gritty, raspy, and he felt hopeless in the face of it all, once again. How could he explain that while he hadn't regretted leaving, it was still a heartbreaking choice to make? "It's the truth."

Ryan nodded but didn't say anything, and it didn't feel like enough.

Neil got up and rounded on him then, brazenly taking Ryan's face in his hands and slotting between his legs like he'd used to. He held his breath as he did so, half-expecting to be pushed away. Ryan only looked at him, though, his eyes bright and clear—not crying, and yet broken open in a way Neil hadn't realized that he'd missed, but he had.

Hehad.

Never, not once in the twelve years they'd been apart, had Neil experienced a connection like this with anyone else, never felt the trust ingrained in it to its very core. To be allowed to see someone like that was both scary and beautiful beyond measure.

Ryan had always been beautiful to him, but never more so than in moments like this, even if Neil had never voiced that.

Hell, he'd barely acknowledged it before.

And yet, he felt like a man starving, now. The forgotten hunger reared its head and almost knocked him off his feet.

"Can I—" Neil whispered, glancing from Ryan's eyes to his mouth and back. "Do you want this? I do."

"Yeah," Ryan breathed out almost soundlessly in the small space between them, but it was all Neil needed to lean forward and brush his lips against Ryan's.

It could never have been simply a kiss, even with chapped lips and all the winter clothes getting in the way. And yet, Neil hadn't been prepared for any of this—the want that rushed through him at the first touch of skin to skin, the sound that escaped Ryan's lips, or the weight of Ryan's hands on his sides making Neil weak like a kid who'd never done this before.

He'd forgotten how it could be between them. He'd figured part of it must have been the teenage hormones, the way they'd wanted it so badly and anything could get them going. But at thirty years old, the chemistry was still off the charts and the desire headier than ever.

"Jesus," he muttered against Ryan's lips when they paused to take a breath.

Tightening his grip on Neil's sides, Ryan tried to pull him even closer, but there were way too many layers between them. As Neil nosed at Ryan's neck and inhaled the warm scent of cardamom and something earthy underneath, he wanted to taste the skin there, run his mouth along the edge of the scarf, but he was also content to simply stay like this and breathe.

At least until Ryan didn't press a kiss right under Neil's ear, adding a hint of teeth that felt more like a promise, a tease, than a bite.

It was like a match that caught fire.

Neil tilted his head and pressed their lips together again, licking inside a moment later and letting it overwhelm him.

He didn't need air. He didn't need anything but this, right here.

Ryan was the one who finally pulled back and chuckled warmly when Neil tried to follow.

"Let's get into the car. Backseat, come on," he whispered, breathing fast and blushing. His lips were red and full, and Neil was already picturing taking them between his teeth.

Then the words registered.Backseat.Yes.

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