Page 43 of Find Me Again

Flipping the pancakes when necessary, he let his brain move between topics, never staying on anything for long—Neil, Ryan's parents, their possible trip to DC, then Neil again, as Ryan wondered if he would be up for making the trip as well.

Finally, all the pancakes were ready, and as he slid them onto the plate, adding to the stack, it was time to move.

Neil, who was apparently paying attention after all, slowly stepped back before heading to the fridge, so Ryan took the plate with all the pancakes to the table where he'd set everything else earlier.

Since he still didn't feel the need to say anything, he started on the pancakes for real after pouring an extravagant amount of maple syrup on his plate.

He wasn't going to his parents until dinner tonight, after all. He could indulge a little.

"I think I'm going to do it over Christmas."

Ryan was grabbing another pancake when Neil spoke up, and he almost dropped his fork as his heartbeat sped up, unsure what that meant.

"It?"

"My agent talked it over with the team's PR again, and they'd prefer not to make it into a big thing coming from them, which I agree with. If I have to talk about something this private, I'd prefer to do it in a casual setting."

Neil paused to put a pancake on his plate, but he didn't start eating it.

"I thought I'd have to do a big press conference, because that's what I'm used to whenever we talk to the press, but apparently everyone said that a small one-on-one interview is more than fine. And it fits with me wanting to… minimize the splash, so to speak." He grimaced. "I know it's not going to work for long, but I much prefer when the reporters lose their shit in their studios than in the room with me."

Since Ryan was all for whatever solution would make Neil more comfortable, he nodded.

"And you would do it over Christmas?" he asked after swallowing another piece of the pancake.

"On Boxing Day, I think." Neil picked up the bottle of maple syrup and poured some of it onto his plate. "A small station from my hometown getting the scoop is a nod towards local journalism, but also a way to break the news slowly and gently, if there's even such a thing these days. It will hit national news on the same day, no doubt about it, but it's not going to bethestory for the entire day."

"And maybe the fans will be high up on the Christmas spirit, too."

Neil shrugged. "It's likely they're going to lose their good spirits pretty fast, but maybe not as fast as they otherwise would. Or not all of them, at least."

"And you'll be here for a few more days after that, right? Staying out of the spotlight."

"We'll see. If anybody comes after me here, I'll probably go back to Savannah, because I don't want my family to get dragged into it. But I'm hoping nobody would do that, if I promise some more interviews later on."

"Will you?" Ryan took a sip of water, trying to squash the flash of disappointment at the idea of Neil leaving town sooner."Do more interviews, I mean."

"That's pretty much a given. Like you said, the first NHL player coming out at the peak of his career will garner a lot of attention, and that includes various media outlets I'll have to play nice with. Still, we have games to play and the Stanley Cup finals to win, so the sooner I'll get it done, the better—both for myself and the team."

Ryan stared at Neil—the man who had spent his entire life in the closet and who was only getting out of it now because he had no choice—sitting here, in this kitchen, telling him"the sooner, the better".

What a turn.

Still, Ryan was by no means a PR expert, so he only cared that Neil would have a final say in whatever decision was ultimately made. If this was what Neil wanted, Ryan would support him.

There was nothing else for him to do here, after all, other than to sit back and watch, even as his heart was making a racket in his chest.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

When Neil had arrived in Pennsylvania earlier in the month, he'd resigned himself to spending the entire break stressed, anxious, and overthinking everything he had to lose. He'd felt more like a cornered animal than a son visiting his parents for the holidays.

And sure, there was still some of that, since he'd spent way too many hours envisioning the end of his career for that fear to go away completely.

But, at the same time, he'd come to terms with that whole situation, too. He was even starting to see the good in it— most notably, the opportunity to start living openly and his parents' acceptance and support that he wouldn't have known about if he'd stayed quiet. Also, while Neil didn't consider becoming a poster boy for gay rights an upside in any way, he could at least acknowledge that for some people, especially young queer kids who dreamed of being where he was, seeing someone like him would be validating.

Years ago, it would've been validating for him.

At some point over the last two weeks, this whole thing had stopped being so black and white and instead started to feel like another challenge he had to overcome. If he got to keep hockey at the end of it, he would be fine.

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