Page 49 of Find Me Again

"Okay," he said again, but this time it came out quiet and raw. He cleared his throat. "I appreciate it more than I can express."

Bednarski chuckled. "Yeah, well, you can pay us back by winning another Cup. Just saying."

Neil snorted. "Yes, sir."

"That's what I like to hear. Okay, I'm not keeping you any longer. Go do your thing, but please message me once you decide, so I know where we stand."

"I will."

And that was it. The call ended, leaving Neil to make one of the biggest decisions of his life. Again.

No pressure or anything.

When he'd gotten into this car earlier, the decision had already been made, for better or worse. And now, without the blackmail hanging over his head, he was free to make a different one.

Or not.

Two weeks ago, Neil would've given anything to get that phone call, a solution that magically appeared and took care of everything, leaving him to enjoy his life as always.

But now, he'd grown used to the idea. He'd come out to hisparents, he'd reconnected with Ryan…

God, Ryan.

The mere idea of going back home and telling Ryan that he hadn't come out after all made the knots in Neil's stomach tighten even more. His parents, they would stand by him no matter what, but Ryan… Ryan would say all the right things and be supportive of Neil making choices for himself, but then he would disappear from Neil's life and never come back. Neil was sure of it.

He couldn't make this decision based solely on Ryan, though, given that they still hadn't even had a conversation about what would happen after the holidays. With Ryan in DC and Neil in Savannah, it would be nearly impossible to make a real go at something between them.

And yet…

And yet, it felt like a second chance. Twelve years ago, Neil had made an impossible decision, and now he was faced with another one. Circumstances were different, his experience was different, but that one part hadn't changed—it was once again about him and Ryan, and whether or not Neil could live with the choice he'd made.

Closing his eyes, he rested his forehead over his hands on the steering wheel.

In a bizarre way, he was almost angry about the team handing the choice back to him. He'd gotten used to the idea of having the hardest part decided for him, and now here he was, more than half-way down the path of coming out, only to be given an escape route.

He wished it wasn't so tempting. He wished he was as certain of his choice now as he'd been half an hour ago. He wished—

Well, if wishes were horses, and all that.

Neil had only ever had to deal with the real world.

He sat up and rolled his shoulders. He briefly thought of calling his parents, or Ryan, or even his agent, but he dismissed it all. At the end of the day, just like twelve years ago, it was his decision to make. Nobody else's.

He took a deep breath and started the car.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Ryan was in his parents' kitchen, making coffee and tea for everybody, when he got a call from Neil. Ignoring the way his heart skipped a beat—they were usually texting, not calling each other—he picked up right away.

"Hey."

He almost asked if Neil was okay, but it didn't feel right. Neil had probably answered a bunch of questions today already, so the least Ryan could do was to give him space.

"Hey, I'm about to drive back and thought… Are you busy?"

From the sounds of it, Neil had him on a speaker phone in his car, and Ryan pictured him sitting there, alone and still reeling from the interview, no matter how it went. As Ryan glanced around the kitchen, the question must have hung between them for too long, because Neil spoke up again.

"Shit, sorry, of course you're busy, it's Boxing Day, for fuck's sake, and I'm— Sorry. I guess I'm—"

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