Page 52 of Find Me Again

"Thanks," Neil whispered. "It's the truth, if not the entire truth."

Over the radio the host tried to dig a little deeper into why Neil was doing it now.

"Because now is the time," came Neil's reply. "I understand it's probably cryptic for everybody else, but it's true for me. Over the years, I heard so many times that everyone has their own timeline for coming out, and I wasn't so sure about that, but now I can finally say that I agree. I'm as ready as I could be, in ways that I weren't before."

"You said that your decision to stay in the closet was dictated by you knowing there would be backlash. Do you not worry about that anymore?"

"Of course I worry. I love hockey, I love the game, my team, and the fans. However, I'm also aware that there are people out there who won't be happy to cheer for or play against a gay man. This is the world we live in, unfortunately, and it will be a challenging time for me. But I figured I can face it like I've faced any other challenge in my career—with the tenacity I bring to every game, and also with the incredible support of my team, my family, and, I hope, the vast majority of our fans. What I want people to understand is, I was always a gay hockey player. Every win and every loss, that's me winning and losing as a gay man. I'm not going to play any differently from now on, because I'm not becoming somebody else. This is who I've always been. So if some people see me differently after today, that's on them, not on me."

"I think that's a perfect place to end for today—"

The host was still talking, but Ryan stopped listening, too busy pulling Neil in for a kiss. There was a rush flowing through him, buzzing under his skin, and he didn't know what to do with it other than channel it into this, right here—the connection that cracked him open all over again, healing most of the woundshe'd still carried, and making room for something new.

"That was amazing," he whispered against Neil's lips, then leaning away to see him grinning.

"The interview or the kiss?"

They both laughed, all the joy and the pent-up stress needing a release.

"Both, of course," Ryan said after they calmed down, and Neil offered him a softer smile.

"I agree about the kiss, at least. The interview… could have been much worse."

"The host seemed okay, especially caught off guard like that. He avoided the most cringe-worthy questions."

"Well, I have a general list of topics the interviewers aren't supposed to ask me about, so that helps. And with how vague that list is, I didn't have to add anything to it for today. It's more 'don't ask about any romantic and/or sexual relationships', not 'don't ask me if I have a gay lover'."

Gay lover. Breath caught, Ryan turned away to stare at the valley below them, his emotions all over the place.

"Or a boyfriend," Neil added, unsure, and Ryan had to look back at him. "Listen, this is probably…" Neil ran a hand through his hair. "We should probably talk. About things. Us. What we're doing."

A small part of Ryan expected Neil to jump out of the car trying to escape this conversation, not to actually initiate it.

Now Ryan was the one caught completely off guard.

"Okay," he finally said, but didn't add anything else, wanting Neil to speak on that first.

Which might not be fair, given that Neil had already gone through one very difficult conversation today, but Ryan felt like he deserved not to be the one doing the harder work here.

"I—" Neil stared at the steering wheel. "Fuck, how does anyone actually do these things?" he muttered, which prompteda small laugh out of Ryan, breaking some of the tension in the car.

"How about you tell me what you want and we'll go from there," Ryan offered gently.

As if his own heart wasn't trying to escape through his chest.

"What I want and what is actually possible may be two very different things," Neil said, letting go of the steering wheel and curling his hands in his lap.

Ryan stared ahead, his heart sinking. He'd heard this song before. He could already tell what came next.

"I guess it depends on whether or not you still want me on the other side of the blowout that's about to happen," Neil continued, and Ryan turned back to him so fast, his neck protested painfully. "I don't even know what I can offer you right now, let alone later."

Neil wasn't looking at him, but Ryan heard the sincerity in his voice and the words that were an invitation—to the unknown, yes, but still an invitation.

"Your call," Ryan told him quietly, and when Neil glanced up, Ryan gave him a half-smile. "It's not really about the wanting part, I think we have that covered. But it's one thing when we take a Christmas trip down the memory line, and another when it's real life. And I can't afford to confuse the two."Or hope for too much. "So what I need is for you to figure out what you can—and want to—give me, and we can go from there. It doesn't have to be today," he added quickly, when Neil opened his mouth. "I know you have a million things to do and a million people to talk to. I'm sure your phone is going to explode any second now. But I can't say yes or no when I don't know what we're talking about, here."

Neil swallowed hard.

"But you're not… completely against it."

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